My best friend of nearly 20 years and I have fallen out

[Mondura]

a long one..

My friend and I have known each other for 17 years. We both live in the UK. We’ve had a wider friendship circle since our twenties when we met but ppl move away and their lives end up going in different directions so it's not a strong group of friends anymore. I’d say she’s been a constant, supportive presence in my life throughout these years and we’ve never fallen out until a couple of months ago. I’m not even sure how things got to this point. She is turning 40 soon (a few months before me) and together with a third friend we were trying to organise something to celebrate her birthday. We all had some ideas, put them in the group chat but she decided she just wanted something simple, like going away to a cottage, just the three of us, have a few drinks, dinner, stay a night or two and just chat, laugh relax, etc. Great, nothing complicated or so I thought. Our third friend and I suggested a country pub with rooms which we’ve both been very impressed by previously, it had other locations in the UK, great service, lovely atmosphere, we were very keen to make the most of it. Our third friend sent some links and she highlighted some of the rooms have two beds, she’ll try and find maybe a family room, but can’t see a cottage on the grounds with multiple rooms. Fine, nothing has been decided and I said I’m happy to take a separate room maybe next to them and don’t mind the extra cost if they prefer sharing the two-bed one. We’ve known each other for a long time, all three of us know that I can afford a bit more in life in general. It hasn’t always been the case, we worked hard for the money we have, run a business, take risks etc. that’s not to say, they are poor, they can both afford luxury holidays, meals out, lovely clothes etc, so none of these things have ever really been an issue. My friend, the birthday girl, didn’t reply to my suggestion to book two rooms, we were all in a rush to do things that morning anyway, we knew it wasn’t going to be finalised so just left it. She then sent another link to the chat a few days later with an Airbnb link for another, cheaper cottage. We all liked it, lovely place, location, great! I was going away a few days later but was keen to finalise something for my friend so we'd have it locked in the calendar and had this short getaway to look forward to so instead of packing and getting myself organised, I prioritised this trip and started my morning looking into booking this. I told them that I’m happy to advance the payment and they can just transfer it later, I just wanted to look through the listing again to make sure it’s all to our liking and needs and I’m ready to book it. My friend messaged back that it’s fine and if it’s ok if she transfers her share the following month. I said ok. Then I was looking for the room configuration on the listing which was a bit hard to figure out, but I found it and it was a cottage with two double bedrooms and a living room with a sofa (not pull out). I sent in a screenshot with the caption “this one only has two bedrooms”. This is where things kicked off. She seemed to have gotten really upset and replied that I should just find another one then. I didn’t reply as I sensed that she was upset. We generally text or call each other almost every day, often multiple times a day, so I can read between the lines, she was not happy. I said I can look for something else, but not until I come back from my upcoming trip a week later so we can park this for now if that’s what she wants. She then messaged again saying it’s best to cancel the whole thing, all of us have different needs, she doesn’t want to go away any more, just a simple dinner is fine. I didn’t reply, because I was busy getting myself ready, I was already short on sleep and had a lot to do, I didn’t want to engage in discussing it further. It was clear that the booking wasn’t going to go ahead then. So I didn’t respond, she then private messaged me and said the same thing that it’s best to not go ahead at all with the plans. It’s her call of course, but then I replied saying I don’t understand and I don’t think it’s fair to now just shut it all down when we’ve all planned so much and looked forward to this ( took forever to find dates that suited us all). We were ready to book and it sounded like the ‘everyone has different needs’ is aimed at me as if my needs were too much. I said I don’t mind looking for a bigger cottage and I’ll just pay the difference for the third room if that’s the issue as it’s no problem for me. I was very polite and I tried to come up with a solution though I didn’t really understand why she got so agitated so suddenly. She then became pretty abusive saying she knows I can afford it, I rub this under their noses all the time. Last time when our other friend sent a link, I also told them I can afford a separate room for myself and that’s it’s not cool and I should really have a think about how I communicate because I come across entitled. I was shocked and started crying. I was totally oblivious to this if it was the case and really I thought I'm just booking a trip for my best friend and doing my best to be flexible.I scrolled back in the messages to see if I was rude or what exactly I said but I genuinely just stated that I don’t mind going for an extra room for myself. She knows I’m an awful sleeper, I send her screenshots of my sleep stats often and we analyse it together, I usually need a dark, quiet room and although we have shared rooms and even bed together in the past, I’d rather pay for my comfort levels approaching our 40s if we can afford it. Clearly her main issue was not me wanting a separate room, but it was deeper than that. It just seems she never expressed these to me. I stopped responding. I saw her last message later on where she says I’ve been the one person who is closest to her in the past 20 years and that she loves me, sort of like a half-assed apology where she probably realised how overboard she went. But I just couldn’t continue writing anything after all this and I had a lot to do that day anyway. I shouldn't have started the day with this booking as I had a lot on. She then tried to ring me in the afternoon and again in the evening, but I was on the school run in the afternoon, then took a sedative for the night (I don't often do this), but I had to calm down somehow and it was important that I had a good night's sleep before an early start to my flight. Over a week went past and I didn't contact her. In fact I muted her chat and the other chat too, which had all three of us in originally as I just couldn't deal with the drama plus I was away with my daughter, I didn't really have time to myself to dive into this whole 'who said what and why' saga.I also didn't want this to ruin my time away with my daughter though it definitely overshadowed it. I cried a lot at night or when she couldn't see me. I also didn't really know what to write tbh. I don't often post on social media, so whenever I snap pictures of what I do, where I am, what I eat etc, I just send a few to some selected friends and my husband. So this friend would've in normal circumstances received a lot of pics from my trip away, but I just had such a block in me. She said I rub things under her nose, so I didn't want to send her a pic of us sitting at the airport lounge. On arrival we went out of dinner to a new spot she actually specifically talked about before. I didn't want to send pics of the food. What if we spent too much? Would that be rubbing it under her nose? Suddenly everything I did felt like I was in the wrong and I was no longer able to share my life with her, because who knows what else I'd done in the past which was too much for her to handle? So I basically just parked this whole thing in my mind to deal with later and tried to enjoy my time away. A few days after getting back home, she messaged me again asking if I cared to discuss what happened at all. I replied politely and told her that I don't really know what to say and it still hasn't settled enough in me plus I'm busy catching up on life and work after returning from my trip (which she knew the length of) She said we should meet in person to discuss, but I told her I genuinely don't have time to know go out in the evening for this as I've only just got back and my other daughter terribly missed me and I just generally have a lot on. She became very accusatory again especially about the fact that I didn't respond at all for nearly two weeks (she said two weeks, it was a week and a half) and somehow I ended up reading more of how I did something wrong and how bad she felt during this time and that I shouldn't have just disappeared like that. I tried not to take offence, but it seemed a bit harsh from someone who was trying to mend things. So I told her I felt bad too, I just couldn't bring myself dealing with what she said as I feel like I can't be myself with her anymore. We try to text now regularly, but it's somewhat forced. It feels very awkward and I don't enjoy sharing anything with her. We got our car stolen a few months back and we recently got a brand new, better car and she was very interested in it previously. The car arrived after our fall out and she casually asked what it's like to drive it. I told her I think it's best not to analyse it as the new car is too expensive and I don't want to rub anything under her nose. She then stopped replying for a few days. I reached out afterwards to meet in person finally in the hope that I'd feel differently about her or I don't really know what I expected really. We met and I don't think we discussed anything in more detail or better just because we were face to face. There was some crying, but mostly we just both tried to make the other one understand why we are hurt. We left, I texted her again the next day and we messaged since, but it's not the same. It's awful actually. I'm only texting out of some obligatory feeling. I lost a very good friend over such a stupid thing and I can't believe it's happening. We have a few things in the calendar lined up, which we haven't discussed. We take turns spending Christmas lunch at each others every year and it's their turn to host this year. We have shows booked and our children are similar ages, they are good friends and we always maintained that they see each other regularly. I think she wants the friendship to continue, but something has broken between us and I guess I can keep going like this; in a forced, uncomfortable manner but I'm looking for advice on how to get past it and feel free and comfortable again spending time with her. Right now I always just feel like any moment I can say or do something that constitutes entitled and will cross her boundaries over what is or isn't allowed. If she wasn't important to me, I could just let this all go, but I'm really struggling to let my hurt and anger, but mostly sadness go away so we can just be happy friends again planning our next adventure.

Gosh, I popped to the shops and my phone blew up. Sorry about lack of paragraphs, I wrote this in two sittings, had to save it elsewhere and then copy pasted it. I can’t figure out how to edit it now. And shorten it as some of you kindly suggested.

Yabu, you have taken extreme offence at something she has expressed and rebuffed all her attempts since to resolve it, you had time on holiday to cry every night but not to message/ speak with your close friend of 20 years?
It sounds like you were being pushy about getting it booked in the first place as your time is so precious.
I think you have a lot of humble pie to eat if this can be resolved and snidey comments like your one about the car won’t do it

I was suggested this book by Alex Holder, 'Open Up: the power of talking about money' in another context, and I think you would benefit from it too. Differences in income levels between friends can cause issues like this, and need to be addressed head on.

I too had trouble getting through your post, but two things stood out: your friend is trying to make amends, and second, your comment about your new car sounds snippy and unhelpful. You might want to read this book, and think through your relationship with money and how that is affecting your friendships. Good luck - good friends are hard to come by. Hope this proves to be a growing experience for you both and your friendship, and not the end of it.

Jesus. I skim read it. But with no paras its very difficult

My sense is that you're controlling and like to be Lady Bountiful but you do it in a manipulative way so you THINK you come across as adorable

You don't

Apologise to your friend and stop trying to take over and spend money .....this is all down to you imo

Also please learn how to create a piece of writing.

Then I was looking for the room configuration on the listing which was a bit hard to figure out, but I found it and it was a cottage with two double bedrooms and a living room with a sofa (not pull out). I sent in a screenshot with the caption “this one only has two bedrooms”. This is where things kicked off.

This is where you messed up, OP. Your two friends were clearly OK with sharing a room, so why didn't you just ask if you could have the second bedroom to yourself? Attaching a screenshot with an abrupt statement is of course going to upset them.

The car arrived after our fall out and she casually asked what it's like to drive it. I told her I think it's best not to analyse it as the new car is too expensive and I don't want to rub anything under her nose. She then stopped replying for a few days.

I would not want to be friends with anyone who talked like that to me, that's just nasty.

Yabu

She was possibly a bit sensitive as it was her birthday and she took a swipe at you. Granted this wasn't nice.

But you then punished her by not responding, muting the chat, not accepting her apologies and most of all the pas-ag reply about your car.

You are refusing to drop it and I feel very sorry for her if she's reliant on you for friendship.

Too much OP. Half the details on your post are irrelevant, who cares if you own a business/took risks, what does that have to do with your friends birthday?
On balance YABU. Sounds like the friendship is over. Enjoy your new car 🙄

It sounds like your friend is kind and tolerant but she got irritated and let you know she was pissed. So what? She’s human, your human - we all fuck up every now and again. Just make up and forget it and in a year or so you’ll laugh about it.

Think you're both in the wrong and have failed to communicate properly with each other. OP, you're also being a smidge unforgiving. Yes, she shouldn't have said anything about you being better off (as we are supposed to accept our friends as they are, be it poor or rich, it doesn't matter) but you also shouldn't have said it to anyone, even if the intent was just to solve a problem with a room etc. You don't need to keep reminding her that's what she said when it comes to being on holiday, eating out or the new car.

Just give yourselves a breather. Not lost a friend but perhaps both need to cool off. Time is a great healer and with any luck you'll be giggling about it later on.

You shouldn’t have blocked her. She apologised nicely imo after admittedly going overboard about you going on about being able to spend more than she can.

My limited punctuation is revenge

Apologies, just saw it was NOT a pull-out. Were both rooms double/single then? If one was double and one was twin I can see why she thought it was appropriate. I don't know your normal set-up but if it was affordable and two doubles we would just share.

That really was hard work to read but I am afraid that what I got from it was her attempting to keep in touch and you being passive aggressive.

God bless you because I just couldn't😫. Sounds like OP is being a little stubborn. this is definitely not something to end a friendship over. Just call and sort it out together.

YABVU - she said something in frustration which you have taken to heart and are carrying around like a deadweight. Listen to the Beatle's song and Let it Be. You are the only barrier to this friendship continuing, she seems to be trying hard to make amends. If you care about her, rise above it.

This is a very good summing up.
You need to accept that neither of you are without blame and you definitely handled things badly. Please don't lose a close friendship because you want to try to take the moral high ground. There isn't one in this instance.

You are the one turning a slightly snappy comment from a great friend into a friendship-ending drama. At worst, your friend is guilty of being slighly envious of your financial position, and considering that I'm reading the story from your perspective, it's quite possible even that's not the case. Maybe consider that you actually might be a bit more difficult or highly strung that you had realised.

Your response to the car question was really shitty and to prolong the rift and potentially throw away a genuinely good friendship over something like this reflects really badly on you.

If they are happy to share then what was the problem?

Unless both rooms were a double bed & they wouldn't have wanted to share a bed?

I don’t get the problem with the house in the first place, two bedrooms and a sofa bed is fine for 3 people isn’t it? As to the rest of the post, if you conduct your personal relationships anything like you post on MN your friends are probably exhausted!

Best not to analyze it.

Well, I’ve read it all. There seems an awful lot of drama and crying. I do feel you’re coming across as very me me me though OP. You seem to have a lot of excuses as to why you can’t do this, do that, speak, text, whatever.

If you want to stay friends then contact her, meet up and hug it out. No point going over the ins and outs (you are not blameless in all this - why didn't you just send her a holding message instead of blanking her?!). Have a hug and a cry and then learn from it. If you don't want to stay friends then let her know - be very careful how you phrase it though.

I’m sorry but your whole post is full of how well off you are. I can completely see your friend’s perspective. Read it again & you’ll see. And you’ve worked hard - poor people work hard too.

I also stopped. reading halfway through.

First impressions - stop texting. You need to have an actual conversation. Call her or arrange to meet face to face. Tell her you miss her and you like if you could both put this behind you. Be prepared to own some responsibility for the falling out. No one is an innocent party. There are always two sides. If you can't do that then the continued drama is all of your own making.