My best friend of nearly 20 years and I have fallen out

[Mondura]

a long one..

My friend and I have known each other for 17 years. We both live in the UK. We’ve had a wider friendship circle since our twenties when we met but ppl move away and their lives end up going in different directions so it's not a strong group of friends anymore. I’d say she’s been a constant, supportive presence in my life throughout these years and we’ve never fallen out until a couple of months ago. I’m not even sure how things got to this point. She is turning 40 soon (a few months before me) and together with a third friend we were trying to organise something to celebrate her birthday. We all had some ideas, put them in the group chat but she decided she just wanted something simple, like going away to a cottage, just the three of us, have a few drinks, dinner, stay a night or two and just chat, laugh relax, etc. Great, nothing complicated or so I thought. Our third friend and I suggested a country pub with rooms which we’ve both been very impressed by previously, it had other locations in the UK, great service, lovely atmosphere, we were very keen to make the most of it. Our third friend sent some links and she highlighted some of the rooms have two beds, she’ll try and find maybe a family room, but can’t see a cottage on the grounds with multiple rooms. Fine, nothing has been decided and I said I’m happy to take a separate room maybe next to them and don’t mind the extra cost if they prefer sharing the two-bed one. We’ve known each other for a long time, all three of us know that I can afford a bit more in life in general. It hasn’t always been the case, we worked hard for the money we have, run a business, take risks etc. that’s not to say, they are poor, they can both afford luxury holidays, meals out, lovely clothes etc, so none of these things have ever really been an issue. My friend, the birthday girl, didn’t reply to my suggestion to book two rooms, we were all in a rush to do things that morning anyway, we knew it wasn’t going to be finalised so just left it. She then sent another link to the chat a few days later with an Airbnb link for another, cheaper cottage. We all liked it, lovely place, location, great! I was going away a few days later but was keen to finalise something for my friend so we'd have it locked in the calendar and had this short getaway to look forward to so instead of packing and getting myself organised, I prioritised this trip and started my morning looking into booking this. I told them that I’m happy to advance the payment and they can just transfer it later, I just wanted to look through the listing again to make sure it’s all to our liking and needs and I’m ready to book it. My friend messaged back that it’s fine and if it’s ok if she transfers her share the following month. I said ok. Then I was looking for the room configuration on the listing which was a bit hard to figure out, but I found it and it was a cottage with two double bedrooms and a living room with a sofa (not pull out). I sent in a screenshot with the caption “this one only has two bedrooms”. This is where things kicked off. She seemed to have gotten really upset and replied that I should just find another one then. I didn’t reply as I sensed that she was upset. We generally text or call each other almost every day, often multiple times a day, so I can read between the lines, she was not happy. I said I can look for something else, but not until I come back from my upcoming trip a week later so we can park this for now if that’s what she wants. She then messaged again saying it’s best to cancel the whole thing, all of us have different needs, she doesn’t want to go away any more, just a simple dinner is fine. I didn’t reply, because I was busy getting myself ready, I was already short on sleep and had a lot to do, I didn’t want to engage in discussing it further. It was clear that the booking wasn’t going to go ahead then. So I didn’t respond, she then private messaged me and said the same thing that it’s best to not go ahead at all with the plans. It’s her call of course, but then I replied saying I don’t understand and I don’t think it’s fair to now just shut it all down when we’ve all planned so much and looked forward to this ( took forever to find dates that suited us all). We were ready to book and it sounded like the ‘everyone has different needs’ is aimed at me as if my needs were too much. I said I don’t mind looking for a bigger cottage and I’ll just pay the difference for the third room if that’s the issue as it’s no problem for me. I was very polite and I tried to come up with a solution though I didn’t really understand why she got so agitated so suddenly. She then became pretty abusive saying she knows I can afford it, I rub this under their noses all the time. Last time when our other friend sent a link, I also told them I can afford a separate room for myself and that’s it’s not cool and I should really have a think about how I communicate because I come across entitled. I was shocked and started crying. I was totally oblivious to this if it was the case and really I thought I'm just booking a trip for my best friend and doing my best to be flexible.I scrolled back in the messages to see if I was rude or what exactly I said but I genuinely just stated that I don’t mind going for an extra room for myself. She knows I’m an awful sleeper, I send her screenshots of my sleep stats often and we analyse it together, I usually need a dark, quiet room and although we have shared rooms and even bed together in the past, I’d rather pay for my comfort levels approaching our 40s if we can afford it. Clearly her main issue was not me wanting a separate room, but it was deeper than that. It just seems she never expressed these to me. I stopped responding. I saw her last message later on where she says I’ve been the one person who is closest to her in the past 20 years and that she loves me, sort of like a half-assed apology where she probably realised how overboard she went. But I just couldn’t continue writing anything after all this and I had a lot to do that day anyway. I shouldn't have started the day with this booking as I had a lot on. She then tried to ring me in the afternoon and again in the evening, but I was on the school run in the afternoon, then took a sedative for the night (I don't often do this), but I had to calm down somehow and it was important that I had a good night's sleep before an early start to my flight. Over a week went past and I didn't contact her. In fact I muted her chat and the other chat too, which had all three of us in originally as I just couldn't deal with the drama plus I was away with my daughter, I didn't really have time to myself to dive into this whole 'who said what and why' saga.I also didn't want this to ruin my time away with my daughter though it definitely overshadowed it. I cried a lot at night or when she couldn't see me. I also didn't really know what to write tbh. I don't often post on social media, so whenever I snap pictures of what I do, where I am, what I eat etc, I just send a few to some selected friends and my husband. So this friend would've in normal circumstances received a lot of pics from my trip away, but I just had such a block in me. She said I rub things under her nose, so I didn't want to send her a pic of us sitting at the airport lounge. On arrival we went out of dinner to a new spot she actually specifically talked about before. I didn't want to send pics of the food. What if we spent too much? Would that be rubbing it under her nose? Suddenly everything I did felt like I was in the wrong and I was no longer able to share my life with her, because who knows what else I'd done in the past which was too much for her to handle? So I basically just parked this whole thing in my mind to deal with later and tried to enjoy my time away. A few days after getting back home, she messaged me again asking if I cared to discuss what happened at all. I replied politely and told her that I don't really know what to say and it still hasn't settled enough in me plus I'm busy catching up on life and work after returning from my trip (which she knew the length of) She said we should meet in person to discuss, but I told her I genuinely don't have time to know go out in the evening for this as I've only just got back and my other daughter terribly missed me and I just generally have a lot on. She became very accusatory again especially about the fact that I didn't respond at all for nearly two weeks (she said two weeks, it was a week and a half) and somehow I ended up reading more of how I did something wrong and how bad she felt during this time and that I shouldn't have just disappeared like that. I tried not to take offence, but it seemed a bit harsh from someone who was trying to mend things. So I told her I felt bad too, I just couldn't bring myself dealing with what she said as I feel like I can't be myself with her anymore. We try to text now regularly, but it's somewhat forced. It feels very awkward and I don't enjoy sharing anything with her. We got our car stolen a few months back and we recently got a brand new, better car and she was very interested in it previously. The car arrived after our fall out and she casually asked what it's like to drive it. I told her I think it's best not to analyse it as the new car is too expensive and I don't want to rub anything under her nose. She then stopped replying for a few days. I reached out afterwards to meet in person finally in the hope that I'd feel differently about her or I don't really know what I expected really. We met and I don't think we discussed anything in more detail or better just because we were face to face. There was some crying, but mostly we just both tried to make the other one understand why we are hurt. We left, I texted her again the next day and we messaged since, but it's not the same. It's awful actually. I'm only texting out of some obligatory feeling. I lost a very good friend over such a stupid thing and I can't believe it's happening. We have a few things in the calendar lined up, which we haven't discussed. We take turns spending Christmas lunch at each others every year and it's their turn to host this year. We have shows booked and our children are similar ages, they are good friends and we always maintained that they see each other regularly. I think she wants the friendship to continue, but something has broken between us and I guess I can keep going like this; in a forced, uncomfortable manner but I'm looking for advice on how to get past it and feel free and comfortable again spending time with her. Right now I always just feel like any moment I can say or do something that constitutes entitled and will cross her boundaries over what is or isn't allowed. If she wasn't important to me, I could just let this all go, but I'm really struggling to let my hurt and anger, but mostly sadness go away so we can just be happy friends again planning our next adventure.

I did actually take one for the team and read that whole post 😴

OP, YABVU. How many times did you say "I'LL PAY EXTRA!", and "I DON'T MIND PAYING EXTRA!", etc etc etc.

As as for the totally unnecessariy snitty comment to her about your new car...

You need to look to yourself, OP. And then just give it some time. Don't expect it all to be perfect immediately, but why not use some of your introspection on yourself, not on her.

She said we should meet in person to discuss, but I told her I genuinely don't have time to know go out in the evening for this as I've only just got back and my other daughter terribly missed me and I just generally have a lot on.

Yes. This sticks out to me as a list of weak-ass excuses. I know they did eventually meet but I'm sure her daughter would have survived for an hour.

Gosh that was a hard read.

YABU.

Your constant comments about you willing to pay more can actually be quite patronising. I’m the higher earner in my friend groups. If there’s a situation where something is expensive, I pay more discretely and without anyone knowing because I don’t need the credit and don’t need to bring attention to it. I can imagine it must be quite exhausting for your friends for you to always mention that you have more disposable income than them, so I imagine your friend has finally had enough.

And then you go off on a strop for nearly two weeks (1.5 weeks is nearly two weeks), and claim you were on holiday so not dealing with it but at the same time crying every night. Be honest, you were ghosting your friend.

She has tried to reach out and you’re dragging it on. Was that comment about the car being expensive really necessary?

It’s obvious that you’re lacking tact and discretion when it comes to wealth. Your friends can see that you have more, you don’t need to keep bringing it up and clearly, after years of it, she’s had enough.

And it is your own version of events that is making posters say YABU, and it’s natural for people to tone that issues to make themselves look better. If your version makes you look like this, I wonder what it’s really been like.

I think you need to try and gain some perspective here. You’ve been really good friends for half your lives.

From an outsider looking in. It sounds like everyone was excited for the 40th trip, most of all (I imagine, the birthday girl). You like your own room, fair enough, but perhaps the back and forth with trying to sort out accommodating this was seen as prioritising your ‘wants’ versus the birthday girls? I appreciate this wasn’t the case from your perspective, but can see how someone might see it like that.

i can see why the ‘rubbing it in people’s faces’ comment is hurtful to you, but again, i can see it from the other side a bit too. It’s easy to make casual comments about what you’re buying or can afford without much thought, but it can smart a bit if the person you’re talking to isn’t in the same position. It’s obviously been something that she’s noticed, but because you’re friends hasn’t mentioned… until this little blip.

And it is a blip in the scheme of things.

You're obviously hurt, and I understand why, but instead of reflecting on what she said and trying to see her perspective, you’ve got defensive and now essentially ‘punishing’ her by telling her you can no longer be yourself in case you ‘run her nose in it’ - which is passive aggressive and not going to help mend things.

I think in situations like this it can be helpful to think about your friendship as a 20 year journey, and all the lovely thing you've shared, the love and support you’ve given each other. It sounds like the good far outweighs the bad and it’s worth making every effort to repair things. It sounds like that’s what she wants and I think you do to, or you wouldn’t be posting.

Good friends are hard to find and to certainly to make as you get older. I don’t think any of what has happened is enough to throw it away.

It’s hard to tell if you are too quick to remind her that you can afford more. We have no way of knowing that. But you were unreasonable to avoid contact for so long. Unkind, unnecessary and inflammatory. You make a lot of excuses for yourself.

Maybe she thought you might offer her the bedroom on its own as its her birthday treat and felt annoyed that you want it as you have more spare money. Maybe offer that to calm the situation down.

If you value the friendship apologise and move on and ask her to mention if you are ever inadvertently showing off about materialistic things so you are more aware, it doesn't bother me if some people have more but lots of people get jealous.

Quite a reach there. Jealous, upset about money? I think she's just upset that her so called "friend" ignored her.

Are you the OP? Your spelling and grammar suggest you are.

Are you always this hard work OP? Why couldn't you have gone without your precious night's sleep for just one night away with friends?

I have read it but then again I read " Moby Dick." At least I knew how to catch a whale after MD.
Apologise for throwing a spanner in the works of the birthday girl's event and move on.

Well, she started it by being unreasonable but you continued it by not contacting her for a week and a half. You just needed to send her an holding text.

I think that your friendship has probably run its course. All good things come to an end.

It's a shame about your children, but there is nothing much you can do about that.

Perfect! Please read this OP and learn. I do get why you were offering to pay to better the trip each time but it does come across as 'i've got more money'. And believe me, you probably don't think about it in your situation but when you don't have much, it really does get highlighted.
I think you should be the bigger person and reach out properly and apologise.

Unless she has form for this type of behaviour, it is unlikely your friend just suddenly went off on one out of nowhere. There will have been some sort of precursor or slowly evolving build up. She has clearly run out of patience/tolerance/energy (delete as appropriate) and the clues are there if you look for them. Whose fault it is will be a problem to solve between you.

You and your friend are very enmeshed. Multiple messages every day, sending her your sleep stats and analysing them together is a bit OTT. You can repair this but suspect her if you can see the wood for the trees as you’re too far immersed in all the tiny details of each other’s lives.

you need to apologise to her for your approach and start a clean slate with perhaps a bit less intensity around all the communications.

Hi OP,
I sympathise as I went through a similar thing with family (who were also my best friends).

It’s really rough when you feel like you can no longer share any moments or details of your life for fear of judgement or offence.

Personally, I took a step back from these people and focused on relationships that were easier and where I felt I could speak freely.

It’s been over 2 years now, and after very little contact, we are starting to see each other more frequently now (for the kids). I’m not sure if I will ever stop feeling guarded around them.

Perhaps you just need a little space to come to terms with the change in dynamic.

So basically she's been trying to do HER birthday trip on a budget and you keep picking fault with all the suggestions because they aren't meeting YOUR criteria, this is where you fucked up:

I sent in a screenshot with the caption “this one only has two bedrooms”. This is where things kicked off. She seemed to have gotten really upset and replied that I should just find another one then.

Where did you expect her to go from there? You've basically just said, "nope, not good enough for me, keep looking until I'm happy". She was not wrong to tell you to do it instead and to be honest I think she is right in her assessment that you come across as entitled, as you are putting YOUR needs above hers without even a second thought. To which you said you can't even look at it for a week??

So instead of understanding her frustration you decided to punish her by ghosting her for weeks, and now you STILL don't understand her position, so instead of accepting it was said in frustration, and she was perfectly entitled to be frustrated with your judgement and lack of meaningful contribution, you're now bashing her over the head with it at every opportunity.

Honestly OP, you sound like a thoroughly shit friend.

I read it.

Youre in the wrong I'm afraid. Instead of ignoring her for 2 weeks you should have discussed things with her. You probably don't mean it, but I reckon you've been insensitive to her situation but I don't think you have capacity to reflect. Reading your post, I think you're the type of person who does not take any sort of criticism well/ being called out. As soon as you are, you shut the person down and ignore them, say you don't want to be friends. If you care about this person speak to her and try to figure out what's gone wrong.
my guess is you don't have any other friends like this and this one is worth saving

I don't think the friend was unreasonable. As a PP said, if this is the OP's version, which will obvs paint her in a better light, I'd love to hear the friend's version!

"Every suggestion we came up with, @Mondura turned her nose up at it and kept banging on about wanting to pay more for her own room, even when we found something that I liked. She kept going on about her sleep and how she wanted to pay more, like what we had chosen wasn't good enough for her. We all know she's got more money than us, but she really has a cloth ear for this."

Agreed.

You come across as a total drama queen. All the 'I had to take a sedative to sleep...shouldn't have prioritised this trip...couldn't think about it...cried at night' etc etc.

This is a problem of your making. You clearly think you are better off than them, and feel like the victim here. However to pretty much everyone here reading, you have exploded this by basically ghosting her for a fortnight.

How hard is it to send a text? "Sorry, I'm away at the mo and can't do anything about booking. I'm sorry we were out of sorts at each other, love you a d happy to holiday wherever."

Done.

She must’ve been a good friend to analyse your sleep data with you!

I don’t really see what the post is about? She has tried to reconnect and you’ve been some what immature and difficult.

Ok. I read your entire post. Things get misrepresented over text. It’s best to actually talk. And you’ve also (or given the impression) given her the silent treatment. And your response to her question about your new car comes across unnecessarily snarky/sarcastic. “Yeah, it’s really nice to drive” would have been fine.

There have been many posts that have summed it up but this one sticks out.

This is the sum of it OP.

I understand that you feel hurt, but you haven't considered your part in it all.

None of us is perfect. Try a bit of humility as you move into your 5th decade. It really is freeing.

Sounds like you always position yourself as the victim.

Sounds like you've refused to engage with her even though she has tried.

Sounds like you basically ghosted your "best friend" for nearly two weeks because you felt hard done to.

It also does sound like you mention money and indirectly mention how much better off you are a lot.

I think it probably started innocently enough but your behaviour has made it all blow out of proportion.

I read it not knowing how long it was. I genuinely have a mild headache now!

You made the situation much worse by going quiet, is my conclusion. A quick “I’m really busy but please don’t worry, we’ll sort something out!” and some reassuring emojis would have taken 30 seconds.