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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That if we are not good enough for Christmas Day, then also not good enough for Boxing Day?

272 replies

ChristmasFakeOff · 02/12/2025 09:15

A pattern has emerged with my in-laws.

"MIL/ FiL would you like to come to our house/ go out for dinner for Christmas Day/ Easter Sunday/ your birthday?" We always ask early e.g. in Sept for this Christmas.

Their response is always "Oh, we don't know what we are doing yet. We will wait to see if XXXX (their DD) invites us, our wants to do something with us. We will let you know". So, if DD offers, they go there, if they don't they either go away, or spend it with us.

FYI I know not of any issue, or anything we have done wrong, except that they massively favour their DD over my DH. DH pretends not to notice, but I do and it enrages me.

So, they are spending a few days with their DD, and then have said they will come to us on Boxing Day. SIL and boyfriend are going to his family on Boxing Day, otherwise we'd get the 27th/ 28th.

Well, what if Boxing Day is not convenient with ME? My traditions are that we go out and do an activity and then out for dinner on Christmas Eve, then home in time for snuggles on the sofa and a movie and choccies, and get ready for Santa (OK it's evolved as my DC are a bit older). Christmas Day is the mother of all roasts, a walk, eat your body weight in choccies, and play games. Boxing Day is chill out on the sofa, watch movies, and chuck all the leftovers on the dining room table to graze on all day with a few extras on top. Since I've done most of the woman work, Boxing Day is chill for me. A bottle of wine, movies and grazing our buffet in my onesie. My in-laws are invited to all the above.

This Christmas we will have extra people (they don't know this) and so it is going to be a lot of work. DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

AIBU to say that if you are constantly asked to join us on Christmas Day, and decline for a better offer, then you can't expect us to host you at that level on another day or Boxing Day?

OP posts:
80smonster · 02/12/2025 14:21

Irritating, who expects a full on christmas feast two days in a row? Whoever does should expect to cook one themselves. Bloody cheek. Tell them you can’t do BD, maybe next year - you will let them know.

Soonenough · 02/12/2025 14:27

My in-laws didn't have any DD but they definitely preferred to come to mine . My DIL was a crap hostess. Couldn't cook and what she did have was never enough for the amount of people there. Because of this my SIL was more than happy to also come to my house . We were just different , SIL hadn't been brought up with a great background so it her fault . If she had felt strongly about it then she needed to step up her game . Not excusing her DH who should have known better as well.

I prefer invitations to some people's houses than others .
Why care so much about your in laws , they are your DH problem . The family dynamics of SIL and him were established long before you came along .

CoraLea · 02/12/2025 14:31

I'd stop inviting them and not be available on boxing day.

Pinkyhere · 02/12/2025 14:31

We had a wait-for-a-better-offer friend. Even at that level it was frustrating and upsetting but from parents it's awful.
Sorry for your husband who is used to being thrown the scraps of love from them.

skyeisthelimit · 02/12/2025 14:34

DH needs to make it clear to them that if they come over, there will be other guests and no cooked dinner. They can take it or leave it

TonTonMacoute · 02/12/2025 14:49

If they come to you on Boxing Day, they fit in with your plans for that day!

Anonanonay · 02/12/2025 14:51

BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 12:19

Really? They don’t sound vile to me. I automatically thought that they have a different relationship with their daughter than their son. I realise it is probably quite an assumption but my experience is that daughters are more involved with their parents even after they marry and that men become more immersed in their own families. So it felt quite natural to me that they prioritised their daughter’s plans.

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Not very nice for the grandkids though, is it?

FestiveYoni · 02/12/2025 15:00

@grumpygrape oh my lord..

Their self invitation to her

Needspaceforlego · 02/12/2025 15:10

Anonanonay · 02/12/2025 14:51

Not very nice for the grandkids though, is it?

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Its horrible for the DGC when the second they walk in the door they get told everything their cousins have been up to.
But never asked about them and what they have been doing.

NetZeroZealot · 02/12/2025 15:11

Most people would expect to eat leftovers on Boxing Day, so it should be low impact.

PolkaDotPorridge · 02/12/2025 15:16

YANBU and we go through the exact same thing. I said to DH, we are not asking this year. MIL always says what yours says, oh we don’t know what DD is doing yet. My reply in my head is good, I hope they don’t invite you and you and FIL spend it alone . It’s so incredibly rude!

nomas · 02/12/2025 15:27

grumpygrape · 02/12/2025 14:19

What invitation ? The in laws have turned down OP's invitation to Christmas Day and invited themselves to Boxing Day

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Exactly, quite cunning of them really. They get roast beef at OP's on Boxing Day and what do they get on Christmas Day at SIL's, a turkey or or a goose I wonder. And they have to do none of the work, just show and be served.

bevm72yellow · 02/12/2025 15:30

In law daughters have their own rules and boundaries whereas daughters have their rules and boundaries.....and mothers tend to relax in daughters houses and be themselves e.g. " you've put on weight", " " i don't like these new curtains" or " you could have got better turkey in ....." If mum in law said that in daughter in laws home she would be executed....quickly.

nomas · 02/12/2025 15:32

bevm72yellow · 02/12/2025 15:30

In law daughters have their own rules and boundaries whereas daughters have their rules and boundaries.....and mothers tend to relax in daughters houses and be themselves e.g. " you've put on weight", " " i don't like these new curtains" or " you could have got better turkey in ....." If mum in law said that in daughter in laws home she would be executed....quickly.

Still doesn't mean you invite yourself to your DIL's on Boxing Day and expect a roast with all the trimmings, the day after she's cooked a Christmas Day meal.

Junenights · 02/12/2025 15:35

Banaghergirl · 02/12/2025 11:43

"No problem, some other time" is a great reply, it let's them know, in a nice way, that the invite is now off the table for that particular day. The thing that annoyed me was having to keep that date available for them, just in case they didn't get a better offer and the uncertainty of not knowing, right up until the last minute, whether they were coming or not. I'm going to use that reply from now on!

Agree! Or you could say, 'oh that's a shame you can't make xmas day. We are busy on Boxing day, so that won't work for us. See you in the new year!'

Stop chasing after people. if they want ro see you they will make the effort.

StewkeyBlue · 02/12/2025 15:53

I would be saying, or strongly suggest DH says “We’ll miss you for the full works Christmas Dinner but Great you can come Boxing Day. It’ll be a a glass of fizz, buffet lunch with the leftovers and flaking out in front of the TV. No turkey curry! Xx”

EndorsingPRActice · 02/12/2025 15:59

I have some family over nearly every Boxing Day and they have always been quite happy to eat cold meat, quiche (bought) and salad. There's always loads to give them. No way would I do christmas day dinner twice in a row and no reasonable person would expect that. YANBU OP.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/12/2025 16:05

So your issue really is not that you don't want them over at all, but that you are not going to a rerun of Christmas day.
Surely everyone knows that Boxing day is the day for leftovers and slumming around laying games and watching TV. They can expect all they want, but you don't have to fall in with their expectations. If you are being generous enough to include them, you could just say "Of course you are welcome on Boxing Day, and just so you know, there will be a buffet rather than a hot meal. Feel free to bring a contribution, maybe some of that special cheese that DH likes and some puddings! "
Do not give in to their "expectations". If you are hosting, you get to choose how the day goes.

TidyCyan · 02/12/2025 16:07

Thinking about it, I'm not sure you need to "pre-warn" them there will be none of MiL's expected roast beef if she hasn't specifically asked. You serve what you serve.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 02/12/2025 16:13

Is there a reason why you don't invite the sister and why she isn't invited to yours?

My DGran did this, was very put out when I managed it by inviting my DUncles family (her son).and not telling her he was also invited when she turned it down 🤣

Otherwise I think as pp say, stop inviting them to the big event and when they do turn up don't go out of your way to facilitate it.

StressedLP1 · 02/12/2025 16:27

bevm72yellow · 02/12/2025 15:30

In law daughters have their own rules and boundaries whereas daughters have their rules and boundaries.....and mothers tend to relax in daughters houses and be themselves e.g. " you've put on weight", " " i don't like these new curtains" or " you could have got better turkey in ....." If mum in law said that in daughter in laws home she would be executed....quickly.

Even if that’s the case the in laws should be capable of sucking it up every other Christmas because otherwise it’s really quite offensive to their other child. Really, unless the DIL has been round and purposely pissed on their washing then it shouldn’t be a massive deal.

Dramatic · 02/12/2025 16:37

Needspaceforlego · 02/12/2025 15:10

Its horrible for the DGC when the second they walk in the door they get told everything their cousins have been up to.
But never asked about them and what they have been doing.

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This is exactly how my in laws are with my kids, one of mine will excitedly start telling them something they've done and their immediate response it "your cousin X did that a while ago" or "your cousin X is really good at that" literally they don't even acknowledge it.

Tryingatleast · 02/12/2025 17:08

obviously do whatever works for you but at Christmas everyone is trying to please everyone, one of our relatives is all about Christmas and traditions and we generally work around her as I think as long as we get to see people who really cares! But obviously if it pisses you off it pisses you off!!

puppymaddness · 02/12/2025 19:48

TidyCyan · 02/12/2025 13:41

Yes. And I actually don't think "common" is the same thing as acceptable or fair.

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What does acceptable and fair have to do with it? Relationships are what they are and they are a two way street- you get out what you put in.

My brothers make zero effort with my parents, and then they and my SILs are resentful that they are closer to my kids. Of course they are , because they know them and have built those relationships over time.

It's astonishing how mumsnet orthodoxy says that MILs can't expect to have the same access to grandchildren as maternal mother's do (because naturally they are closer their own mum) and then at the same time get angry when their MIL is closer to their own daughter and her children. Makes no sense

TidyCyan · 02/12/2025 19:56

puppymaddness · 02/12/2025 19:48

What does acceptable and fair have to do with it? Relationships are what they are and they are a two way street- you get out what you put in.

My brothers make zero effort with my parents, and then they and my SILs are resentful that they are closer to my kids. Of course they are , because they know them and have built those relationships over time.

It's astonishing how mumsnet orthodoxy says that MILs can't expect to have the same access to grandchildren as maternal mother's do (because naturally they are closer their own mum) and then at the same time get angry when their MIL is closer to their own daughter and her children. Makes no sense

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Again, does this really sound to you like an OP that doesn't make an effort with her in-laws? Just because you're feeling touchy that your children are The Chosen Grandchildren doesn't mean this MiL is justified in always picking her daughter. Her H is basically grovelling for scraps and the children saw it.