That if we are not good enough for Christmas Day, then also not good enough for Boxing Day?

[ChristmasFakeOff]

A pattern has emerged with my in-laws.

"MIL/ FiL would you like to come to our house/ go out for dinner for Christmas Day/ Easter Sunday/ your birthday?" We always ask early e.g. in Sept for this Christmas.

Their response is always "Oh, we don't know what we are doing yet. We will wait to see if XXXX (their DD) invites us, our wants to do something with us. We will let you know". So, if DD offers, they go there, if they don't they either go away, or spend it with us.

FYI I know not of any issue, or anything we have done wrong, except that they massively favour their DD over my DH. DH pretends not to notice, but I do and it enrages me.

So, they are spending a few days with their DD, and then have said they will come to us on Boxing Day. SIL and boyfriend are going to his family on Boxing Day, otherwise we'd get the 27th/ 28th.

Well, what if Boxing Day is not convenient with ME? My traditions are that we go out and do an activity and then out for dinner on Christmas Eve, then home in time for snuggles on the sofa and a movie and choccies, and get ready for Santa (OK it's evolved as my DC are a bit older). Christmas Day is the mother of all roasts, a walk, eat your body weight in choccies, and play games. Boxing Day is chill out on the sofa, watch movies, and chuck all the leftovers on the dining room table to graze on all day with a few extras on top. Since I've done most of the woman work, Boxing Day is chill for me. A bottle of wine, movies and grazing our buffet in my onesie. My in-laws are invited to all the above.

This Christmas we will have extra people (they don't know this) and so it is going to be a lot of work. DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

AIBU to say that if you are constantly asked to join us on Christmas Day, and decline for a better offer, then you can't expect us to host you at that level on another day or Boxing Day?

Once upon a time I would have doffed my cap and gone along with what was expected, accepted the crumbs that were offered and hosted because I didn't want to cause a fuss. A combination of getting older, and big life changes that mean I simply do not have the bandwidth to invest in relationships that aren't equal or valued by both parties, means that I would (politely, of course) nowadays be telling the in-laws to fuck off in these circumstances.

I would be enjoying my chill-out day, and that would not be possible for me to do in the presence of people who cause me annoyance and do not bring me peace. The invitation was for Christmas Day; it was not an open invite for them to unilaterally choose any day at their convenience. They can of course decline your Christmas Day invite, but if they would like to see you over Christmas then they need to arrange a day that's mutually convenient. Not just tell you when they expect to turn up and be hosted.

Your husband needs to deal with this. Big boy pants on.

Just say, you want to stay fluid that's fine- but I need to know as I am planing Christmas Day and Boxing day now, so there won't be an opportunity to change your mind later- your choice.

Hmmm. Maybe they don't realise the inconvenience for you. Tbh, I have 'invited' myself to my in-laws for Boxing Day! Well, what I mean is that we have arranged to visit various family factions on various days just after Xmas (we don't live in the same part of the UK as any of our extended family)... it didn't occur to me that it might seem like I'm expecting them to fit in with what I want. I just found a day that suited us, and they agreed to it. I'm not expecting anything in particular from them though, and certainly not a roast. & of course I'll contribute to the buffet or whatever.
I can see why you feel upset though about them hedging their bets first with your SIL, and showing preference to her. Especially as she doesn't have kids - it's odd as you'd think they'd want to be with their grandkids.
I think some clearer communication would help. Just tell them you're not doing a roast - that was for the 25th, and remind them that they were originally invited to that.
It sounds like you don't particularly have warm feelings towards them, so maybe just embrace the fact that you get the 25th to yourselves?

I can see that this annoying, but I wouldn't read too much into it. They clearly want to spend time with their daughter. Don't try to compete and enjoy a PIL Christmas Day!!

Oh I got this with my own parents and then when dad passed away I got the same from my mum .
like we were 2nd choice

It’s a bit weird you don’t all have Christmas together, isn’t SIL your dh’s sister. Why doesn’t she want to see her nibbling?

You'd be better off squashing the importance of MIL/FIL altogether and concentrating on your own family. Is it 3 years running you've asked them to join you on Xmas day and 3 times they've fobbed you off - stop asking them. You can't change their habits & behaviours, you can only change yours. Stop making them a priority when they just don't consider their son & his family. Accept that their daughter will always come first for x number of reasons instead of trying to force the issue, it will only end badly. Your DH is stuck in the middle & having to play ping pong between you & his mother/father, the teens are also aware & witnessing the angst.

Give yourself a break, they're not worth it.

sorry I wasn’t clear enough. I meant that you not hosting them with full roast and all trimmings will be fine. You invited them for Christmas Day, they said no and were busy elsewhere ( I know that they were waiting for the better offer but you don’t want to go into this conversation) so it’s on them and it’s ok to treat their visit on Boxing Day as they popped in to exchange presents - so its a cup of tea and biscuits affair.

They are just suiting themselves.

I think I would get busy planning to do something on Boxing Day that doesn’t include them. Be as nice as pie to everyone about it and hopefully they will change their behaviour.

Totally agree... 15 years down the line of us not being good enough for Christmas day and the in-laws going to their dd's... we dont even invite for boxing day now. We get a very quick flyby visit in Christmas day, where I hide in the kitchen, music on and drinking fizz...
I've been enraged and now im rude and don't care.
Why are some people like this?? Favouring one offspring (and grandchildren) so much over the other??

Completely agree - say your Christmas week is booked up now and instead invite them for Easter!

TBH I’d consider going away this year too. Loads of last minute bargains. Stuff them.

100% this.

You're not cooking that day. If they choose to come an alternative day than what was offered then they get what they get. Or tell your DH he can do all the cooking.

I do think the 'nice as pie' attitude is a good one to have.

Just smile breezily and say 'oh yeah, we're going Christmas skating or whatever, it was wonderful', tinkly laugh.

No point showing them you're pissed off etc

So agree.

I grew up in a seaside town 'up north', Boxing day was ladies day. The women left the children with the husbands and went on a pub crawl. We always ended up on the seaftont for the fisherman v fireman tug of war. There was always a wonderful atmosphere.

I think I'd go and see my family on Boxing Day. Let them arrive to just DH hosting them. You can arrive back later.

Don’t invite them Boxing Day and if they ask, say you have other plans. Sorted.

Your gripe is genuine and I understand your perspective.

you don’t want prioritise people who hold you at the lowest rank. It is like you are only worthy if preferred people are not available.

that said I’m not really looking forward to being older and having to navigate which child to pick for one day of the year. I think it is a hard thing to get right and not offend anyone.

We have something similar with my in-laws. I like to be organised and plan. If we are just doing Christmas Day with us (me, husband and son) , we’ll often eat out at a local pub. So this needs booking in advance.
The in laws won’t tell me what they want to do with us until the difficult/disorganised sil has confirmed her plans. It’s often a week, even days before Christmas that this happens. Obviously if sil wants to spend Christmas with them, we get told they can’t make it. I’d invite the sil and family but they have 2 huge, unruly dogs that they insist come with them …and we have cats.
Now, I ask the ILs a month and a half before and if they don’t know their plans, I book a restaurant for us.
I find it insulting and feel second best, so I just make our own separate plans now.

@ChristmasFakeOff

I’d rescind the Boxing Day invite. Push them to 27/28 or when it suits YOU better….

Enjoy your relax on 26!

Personally I hate forced meeting up just because you're obligated as it's Christmas. They don't want to spend it with your DH, but that's their issue and a discussion later between them and their son.

But I'd definitely be busy on boxing day and too busy to host them all that weekend as well. Sod them, it's your Christmas too so do stuff that you want to do.