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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That if we are not good enough for Christmas Day, then also not good enough for Boxing Day?

272 replies

ChristmasFakeOff · 02/12/2025 09:15

A pattern has emerged with my in-laws.

"MIL/ FiL would you like to come to our house/ go out for dinner for Christmas Day/ Easter Sunday/ your birthday?" We always ask early e.g. in Sept for this Christmas.

Their response is always "Oh, we don't know what we are doing yet. We will wait to see if XXXX (their DD) invites us, our wants to do something with us. We will let you know". So, if DD offers, they go there, if they don't they either go away, or spend it with us.

FYI I know not of any issue, or anything we have done wrong, except that they massively favour their DD over my DH. DH pretends not to notice, but I do and it enrages me.

So, they are spending a few days with their DD, and then have said they will come to us on Boxing Day. SIL and boyfriend are going to his family on Boxing Day, otherwise we'd get the 27th/ 28th.

Well, what if Boxing Day is not convenient with ME? My traditions are that we go out and do an activity and then out for dinner on Christmas Eve, then home in time for snuggles on the sofa and a movie and choccies, and get ready for Santa (OK it's evolved as my DC are a bit older). Christmas Day is the mother of all roasts, a walk, eat your body weight in choccies, and play games. Boxing Day is chill out on the sofa, watch movies, and chuck all the leftovers on the dining room table to graze on all day with a few extras on top. Since I've done most of the woman work, Boxing Day is chill for me. A bottle of wine, movies and grazing our buffet in my onesie. My in-laws are invited to all the above.

This Christmas we will have extra people (they don't know this) and so it is going to be a lot of work. DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

AIBU to say that if you are constantly asked to join us on Christmas Day, and decline for a better offer, then you can't expect us to host you at that level on another day or Boxing Day?

OP posts:
nomas · 02/12/2025 20:00

puppymaddness · 02/12/2025 19:48

What does acceptable and fair have to do with it? Relationships are what they are and they are a two way street- you get out what you put in.

My brothers make zero effort with my parents, and then they and my SILs are resentful that they are closer to my kids. Of course they are , because they know them and have built those relationships over time.

It's astonishing how mumsnet orthodoxy says that MILs can't expect to have the same access to grandchildren as maternal mother's do (because naturally they are closer their own mum) and then at the same time get angry when their MIL is closer to their own daughter and her children. Makes no sense

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OP invites them loads. I think what has annoyed OP is PIL's expectation that they will tuck into a roast dinner with all the trimmings on Boxing Day. The day after OP has cooked a full Christmas Day meal.

That's mind bogglingly entitled.

TidyCyan · 02/12/2025 20:01

nomas · 02/12/2025 20:00

OP invites them loads. I think what has annoyed OP is PIL's expectation that they will tuck into a roast dinner with all the trimmings on Boxing Day. The day after OP has cooked a full Christmas Day meal.

That's mind bogglingly entitled.

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Absolutely. They were invited to a meal she was already making, not a whole new menu!

DemonsandMosquitoes · 02/12/2025 20:07

We had this. Too unwell to come over one Xmas day but round at DD’s Boxing Day stuffing their faces.

Thinkingaloud85 · 02/12/2025 20:13

They are extremely rude and need calling out on it, in my opinion.

”Would you like to come to our house for Christmas Day?”
”I need to ask SIL”
”That’s okay, we’ll make other plans”.

Thinkingaloud85 · 02/12/2025 20:18

I would be in favour of spelling it out to them:

”I find it quite hurtful that coming to our house is always your second or third best option and that you only ever accept our kind invitation when you have no better offer from SIL”.

See what they say!

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2025 20:32

Definitely stick to your relaxed plans for BD, sod making another elaborate meal. Stop inviting them when the response is the same.

BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 20:46

nomas · 02/12/2025 15:27

Exactly, quite cunning of them really. They get roast beef at OP's on Boxing Day and what do they get on Christmas Day at SIL's, a turkey or or a goose I wonder. And they have to do none of the work, just show and be served.

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I am sure that they have had a lifetime of serving. Why shouldn’t they enjoy this stage of their lives?

bigboykitty · 02/12/2025 20:47

BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 20:46

I am sure that they have had a lifetime of serving. Why shouldn’t they enjoy this stage of their lives?

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Why are you sure of that? Maybe they're grifters.

Blizzardofleaves · 02/12/2025 20:49

This reply has been deleted

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BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why am I entitled?

puppymaddness · 02/12/2025 20:54

BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 20:50

Why am I entitled?

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Because you dared to express a different opinion to that pp 😆- how entitled indeed!!

Genevieva · 02/12/2025 20:55

ChristmasFakeOff · 02/12/2025 11:36

I feel a bit sorry for my DH. I wasn’t there when my he asked them, but my 2 DC were, and they said it was embarrassing to watch as he grovelled a bit. My DC were actually really annoyed at how they treated him. When he came back and relayed it to me it was all positive, but my DC said it wasn’t like that at all.

The mistake I’ve made here is not saying “it’s a Christmas Day invite, not Boxing Day”. That’s a good one going forward. MIL thinks Boxing Day is as important as Christmas Day and we should be sitting round a table with a side of roast beef and all the trimmings.

Next year I am planning on going away. Failing that, I’m having no one over. I’ll tell my DH we are not inviting them (or my side) and just assuming they are going to his sisters. This is the 3rd time they’ve blown us off, and asking again is just embarrassing ourselves.

My DH may be used to being the scapegoat in the Christmas panto, but I wasn’t brought up like this and I have more self respect.

Edited

While logical, your response will just drive them away and deprive your DH of them on Boxing Day too.

nomas · 02/12/2025 20:59

BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 20:46

I am sure that they have had a lifetime of serving. Why shouldn’t they enjoy this stage of their lives?

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When did they do a lifetime of serving for OP? In a previous life?

Or are all MILs and FILs automatically entitled to their DIL's labour on their own terms?

bigboykitty · 02/12/2025 20:59

Genevieva · 02/12/2025 20:55

While logical, your response will just drive them away and deprive your DH of them on Boxing Day too.

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Ideal then!

Genevieva · 02/12/2025 21:00

bigboykitty · 02/12/2025 20:59

Ideal then!

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Not for her husband, poor chap.

nomas · 02/12/2025 21:00

Genevieva · 02/12/2025 20:55

While logical, your response will just drive them away and deprive your DH of them on Boxing Day too.

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So OP has to put on a full roast for these people the day after cooking Christmas lunch to get DH the crumbs of their affection?

Genevieva · 02/12/2025 21:03

nomas · 02/12/2025 21:00

So OP has to put on a full roast for these people the day after cooking Christmas lunch to get DH the crumbs of their affection?

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Absolutely not. She should do what she planned to do anyway, but let them visit.

I always second best choice. My mother will always choose to go to my sister’s even though (a) my Dad relaxes more with us and (b) I’m a better cook. I’ve stopped inviting them on Christmas Day and instead see them at another point over the Christmas season.

nomas · 02/12/2025 21:07

Genevieva · 02/12/2025 21:03

Absolutely not. She should do what she planned to do anyway, but let them visit.

I always second best choice. My mother will always choose to go to my sister’s even though (a) my Dad relaxes more with us and (b) I’m a better cook. I’ve stopped inviting them on Christmas Day and instead see them at another point over the Christmas season.

Show quote history

Whilst I see your point, it is a shame that OP won't get the Boxing Day she planned, after all the work she does on Christmas Day.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 02/12/2025 21:23

Hi PIL
We have plans on Boxing day but would love to see you on the 28th or 30th
Let us know which day works for you
X

Saz12 · 02/12/2025 21:47

You have plans on Boxing Day, so unfortunately can't host them then. Maybe you could invite them for either 23rd, 27th, or New Years day. Just be clear and regretful. If they're rubbish about it, suggest they'd like to come over on Christmas afternoon, or mince pie and coffee in the morning instead?

Also, just IF their DD would otherwise be alone, then it's not favoritism, its parental duty.

thecomedyofterrors · 02/12/2025 22:07

Why would Boxing Day be a full rerun of Christmas? Surely they get leftovers and movies/a walk on BD, same as the rest of the country? I think you’re mad to cook again. And there’s absolutely no need. You can be hospitable without the red carpet and beef roast you describe.

Original poster
ChristmasFakeOff · 03/12/2025 07:56

My SIL has a long term BF, but doesn't have any DC. Ours are their only DGC. When they were small my PIL had to be invited to everything or took massive offence; parties, school plays, birthdays, some trips, Christmas Day, Easter and NY. If my family were included they got the hump. My SIL also had to be included with or without her boyfriend.

We are all older now, and DC are teens and tweens. They aren't as much fun to them. SIL has her own house. MIL/SIL don't host very often and when they do they are cheap skates.

We invite them because they've always expected it, and got very upset when not invited. Now they've got the hump for some reason they are not saying (form for this) and choosing SIL on every occasion.

I feel sorry for my DH. I can't be doing with MIL's games. I've told my DH that next year I am not hosting anyone from my or his side. Maybe we will go away. Last night I told him they had chose to go to SIL for the 3rd year running, and he rewrote history and said "oh I told them it would be better if they came boxing day" which is not what he originally said or what my DC relayed. He has serious FOG with them.

Funny enough, my MIL is always slagging off my SIL and her BF. I am not that keen on my SIL as she is a CF'er of the highest order and I am not spending money on, or lifting a finger for her ever again.

OP posts:
NoisyViewer · 03/12/2025 08:42

ChristmasFakeOff · 03/12/2025 07:56

My SIL has a long term BF, but doesn't have any DC. Ours are their only DGC. When they were small my PIL had to be invited to everything or took massive offence; parties, school plays, birthdays, some trips, Christmas Day, Easter and NY. If my family were included they got the hump. My SIL also had to be included with or without her boyfriend.

We are all older now, and DC are teens and tweens. They aren't as much fun to them. SIL has her own house. MIL/SIL don't host very often and when they do they are cheap skates.

We invite them because they've always expected it, and got very upset when not invited. Now they've got the hump for some reason they are not saying (form for this) and choosing SIL on every occasion.

I feel sorry for my DH. I can't be doing with MIL's games. I've told my DH that next year I am not hosting anyone from my or his side. Maybe we will go away. Last night I told him they had chose to go to SIL for the 3rd year running, and he rewrote history and said "oh I told them it would be better if they came boxing day" which is not what he originally said or what my DC relayed. He has serious FOG with them.

Funny enough, my MIL is always slagging off my SIL and her BF. I am not that keen on my SIL as she is a CF'er of the highest order and I am not spending money on, or lifting a finger for her ever again.

i get it upsets you on behalf of your husband, but he is asking you not to be. You don’t need to put out the red carpet Boxing Day. He can, but you can say yeah come over it’s left overs & christmas chocolates. Which again is a normal Boxing Day spread. I don’t know anyone who isn’t fed up of eating by Boxing Day. I think you’re just adding extra stress on him. He wants to see his family, he loves them & now you’re making it difficult. He knows your feelings about it, which by the way are valid but they don’t justify causing a rift in the family especially when your husband doesn’t want it to. I would hate if my husband dictated the terms of my relationship with my family which by the way you are trying to do

Gfdeh · 03/12/2025 08:56

OP, so you have tolerated this for years and now your husband is lying about what was said.
Honestly, its your children you should be focused on and the toxicity they havd been raised around.

Surely you will challenge your husbands lies?
The whole dynamic is so unhealthy.

GAJLY · 03/12/2025 11:39

Once my husband's dad and grandparents were invited for Christmas day dinner. They declined asking to come on boxing day instead?! I was like, wait I'm not offering to cook another roast the next day! I wanted to say no because I'm not cooking another roast! My husband wanted them to come, so suggested sandwiches and cakes. They agreed and came but looked very unimpressed as they were complaining about missing out on their Christmas dinner?! It kind of ruined boxing day as we were all looking forward to wearing our pyjamas and graze on chocolates, cake and crisps! We never invited them again! I honestly think you have to decide if they can come for sandwiches and cake, or to simply say, I'm busy boxing day, sorry!" Personally I would do the latter. Why make it harder for yourself hosting for a second day!

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