That if we are not good enough for Christmas Day, then also not good enough for Boxing Day?

[ChristmasFakeOff]

A pattern has emerged with my in-laws.

"MIL/ FiL would you like to come to our house/ go out for dinner for Christmas Day/ Easter Sunday/ your birthday?" We always ask early e.g. in Sept for this Christmas.

Their response is always "Oh, we don't know what we are doing yet. We will wait to see if XXXX (their DD) invites us, our wants to do something with us. We will let you know". So, if DD offers, they go there, if they don't they either go away, or spend it with us.

FYI I know not of any issue, or anything we have done wrong, except that they massively favour their DD over my DH. DH pretends not to notice, but I do and it enrages me.

So, they are spending a few days with their DD, and then have said they will come to us on Boxing Day. SIL and boyfriend are going to his family on Boxing Day, otherwise we'd get the 27th/ 28th.

Well, what if Boxing Day is not convenient with ME? My traditions are that we go out and do an activity and then out for dinner on Christmas Eve, then home in time for snuggles on the sofa and a movie and choccies, and get ready for Santa (OK it's evolved as my DC are a bit older). Christmas Day is the mother of all roasts, a walk, eat your body weight in choccies, and play games. Boxing Day is chill out on the sofa, watch movies, and chuck all the leftovers on the dining room table to graze on all day with a few extras on top. Since I've done most of the woman work, Boxing Day is chill for me. A bottle of wine, movies and grazing our buffet in my onesie. My in-laws are invited to all the above.

This Christmas we will have extra people (they don't know this) and so it is going to be a lot of work. DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

AIBU to say that if you are constantly asked to join us on Christmas Day, and decline for a better offer, then you can't expect us to host you at that level on another day or Boxing Day?

YANBU, in fact you were being unreasonable in the past. Why do they need two Christmas Day celebrations? Christmas Day is when all the action happens. If they choose not to come on Christmas Day, you don’t need to put on an action replay. Tell them beforehand what will be happening on each day and they can either just join in with whatever you and your family are choosing to do (if you invite them) or decline the invitation. The same goes for other times of year.

I'm so pleased I've found this thread, as I thought I was making a fuss over nothing. I always invited my late FIL and his partner for Easter, Birthdays, Christmas etc and her reply was always non committal, "I don't know what I'm doing yet" but as he always welcomed the invitation and agreed to come immediately, she always ended up coming with him. She's now on her own, no kids, grandkids but does have a relative she's close to in a nearby town and also has a small group of close friends. I didn't want to abandon her after FIL died, so have continued to invite her on all these occasions and also in between as I know she must miss FIL and feels lonely. However, every time I invite her, without fail, she will say "I don't know what I'm doing yet" then expect me to keep that date open for her just in case she doesn't get a "better offer" from her relative or friends. I feel really insulted but had wondered if I was overreacting. The last time was her birthday, I said I'd pick her up and drop her off as I always do and invited her for a birthday tea. I received the usual "hedging her bets" answer, so I just left it. She then phoned me the night before her birthday and told me she hadn't been invited anywhere by anyone else, so had nothing to do on her birthday so she'd come to me. I honestly felt like saying I'd now made other plans myself, as I thought she must have received a better offer but this is an 82 year old and I couldn't bear to think of her alone on her birthday. I thought I was being unreasonable to feel so hurt but after reading these replies I feel my feelings are validated.

I’m struggling to understand the issue here.

Surely you do what you normally do on Boxing Day, and let your husband take care of the ‘rolling out the red carpet’ for his mother and father.

Is he completely useless and unable to tidy up beforehand and after, lay out a buffet of Christmas leftovers and organise drinks for everyone?
If he is completely useless, and unable to manage these tasks, you have much bigger problems than seeing your in-laws.

You could be right, but I got the sense from OP's wording ("woman work") that there is an expectation from DH and his parents that OP will cook for them again. @ChristmasFakeOff is it you who has obliged to do this in previous years or has there been an expectation that you'll cook again on Boxing Day?

I'm here to tell those people to stop it right now!! Be yourselves, they're not bloody royalty, they don't need all the fancy shit, if they want to come and spend time in YOUR house with YOUR family then they sure as shit should be fitting in to whatever YOUR plans are! If they don't like it, they can just not come.. or if they don't enjoy it, they can decline next time.
Stop being doormats, you may be surprised by the results!!

Amen!

Absolutely.
Any hint of "I'm not sure what we are doing yet" in any situation has always received the same response from me, " no problem, some other time".
I usually wouldn't reissue an invitation.

YANBU, stop inviting her. She clearly thinks she deserves better offers so let her wait for them!

@ChristmasFakeOff

DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

What happened when you said this to DH?

My DM alternates Christmas Day every year between her 4 children she never favours one over the other (even though I’m the fave 😂).

I would be really hurt and pissed off too - you’re the booby prize!

I feel a bit sorry for my DH. I wasn’t there when my he asked them, but my 2 DC were, and they said it was embarrassing to watch as he grovelled a bit. My DC were actually really annoyed at how they treated him. When he came back and relayed it to me it was all positive, but my DC said it wasn’t like that at all.

The mistake I’ve made here is not saying “it’s a Christmas Day invite, not Boxing Day”. That’s a good one going forward. MIL thinks Boxing Day is as important as Christmas Day and we should be sitting round a table with a side of roast beef and all the trimmings.

Next year I am planning on going away. Failing that, I’m having no one over. I’ll tell my DH we are not inviting them (or my side) and just assuming they are going to his sisters. This is the 3rd time they’ve blown us off, and asking again is just embarrassing ourselves.

My DH may be used to being the scapegoat in the Christmas panto, but I wasn’t brought up like this and I have more self respect.

I’d have said no to Boxing Day. They can’t just invite themselves if better option fallen through.
If dh has said yes then they are coming but I’d be clear to him you aren’t hosting. Stick to your plans. Don’t force kids to deviate from their plans.
I know he says it doesn’t bother him but it will. I like your line enrages, that’s how I feel about similar situation with my dh, you want to say to IL do you realise how differently you are treating your children and how hurtful that is. Only time my dh has got upset is when it’s gone on to next generation eg mil says ‘the girls’ meaning his nieces a lot and he once quietly said to me isn’t our dd a girl too.

You are assuming that they expect Christmas Day again on Boxing Day. I very much doubt that. And all you need to do is say what you are doing.
People get very worked up about who goes where and when. Without always knowing the full picture either. Who knows why MIL /FIL appears to feel the need to wait for DD to say what she is doing ? She might not want or be able to explain it to you. Just go with the flow. Don't see slights where there are not any.

Similar as other posters here. Once my sibling had left home (several years after me) my mother always went to them. I always invited her but got refused. One year I asked in September & got "no, I'll probably go to (sibling). The following year she turned down spending dd1's 1st Xmas with us, her 1st dgc. I stopped inviting her.

You can't change people. Just the way you deal with them.

Irrelevant of whether your plans fell through or not....

You still had plans made, you'd arranged to move house had you of accept other offers knowing this you'd have double booked yourself, so nothing like the "not sure what were doing yet"

"No problem, some other time" is a great reply, it let's them know, in a nice way, that the invite is now off the table for that particular day. The thing that annoyed me was having to keep that date available for them, just in case they didn't get a better offer and the uncertainty of not knowing, right up until the last minute, whether they were coming or not. I'm going to use that reply from now on!

Good your dc recognise this isn’t on.
I’d chat to him and say you aren’t playing pick me anymore.
I’m guessing SIL is younger and doesn’t have children. If she does you won’t see them for dust.
I’d make it clear to him and them what plans are. Message to them eg DH says you are coming for Boxing Day as you can’t make Christmas Day. Plan is a pj and movies day and a picky buffet laid out. Kids really looking forward to it. Let us know what time approximately you’ll be over.

Totally fine. Why dont you just be honest. Get you DH to say something like
" we're having our xmas dinner xmas day and just ' bits' and chilling. out boxing day. Sarah's got a lot to do on xmas day so she deservescto chill out after thst. Hope youre fine with that. Oh and just to let you know we've got some others coming over too. " And then if they get funny you can just ssy erll dont come if you dont like it. I rhink its ok if they prefer theyre daughter at xmas but they dont then get to muck you about.

Say no. Say you're busy that day. Tell them the 29th (or whenever) is good for you. But not Boxing Day.

Do it everytime. Offer Christmas Day or the 29th. Tell them you're not free Boxing Day. Stand your ground.

MIL thinks Boxing Day is as important as Christmas Day and we should be sitting round a table with a side of roast beef and all the trimmings.

Of course she does, she's got you slavering over a hot stove to provide it for her!

I really wouldn't be around for this.

If they absolutely must come, they should just have leftovers e.g. turkey sandwiches.

They need to understand that they should get the dregs.

You have a choice. You do a roast. Or you do a buffet. Or they don't come.
But a buffet is perfectly acceptable. You just need to explain what you are doing.
If the 26th is off limits to you then ask them to switch to the 27th then.
All this angst is not really needed. Unless you enjoy it of course.

My dear old dad always did the Boxing Day cooking.
Big gammon roast, no faffing around with umpteen side dishes, so he even managed vegetables too! Rest of the year he barely boiled an egg though, so this was a major event every year. (That gammon was always a great meal, too)

Tell them that you are planning to do on Boxing Day and that they are welcome. If your DH wants more than that to be provided he can do it.

I think for this once while I would usually leave my dh to the hosting if I hadn’t said no already, I’d host this time. I’d scramble together leftover turkey sandwiches, offer to heat leftover potatoes, tell dh on the day to make a green salad… let dc do whatever they want, veg in their rooms. they are here for Boxing Day, they declined your Christmas Day so they miss out on it, open the door cheerfully and say so you’ve decided to join us for the great post Christmas relax? I’ve been looking forward to this, simple food and a quiet day.

My late DMIL used to do the same, we’d always have to fit in around whatever DHs sister had decided. She cottoned on to how pissed off I was and started alternating. Whenever she’d come for Christmas dinner though she’d start making noises about leaving from 3pm and not wanting to eat too much as she’d got tea coming up. Spoken like someone looking forward to the big event. That pissed me off even more. We ended up NC with them.

I’d be telling them Boxing Day is going to be your day to relax and they can pop over for a present exchange the day after. No roast, no big cook, no major hosting. They don’t get two Christmas’s. They chose their Christmas and you can choose yours. Time you stop pandering. If they don’t want to be there for an event on the day it’s happening you don’t just repeat the event again. Madness.

I would just say no. We have other guests for Christmas Day now. How about a lovely meal at a pub in the new year?

Honestly I would rather gauge my eyes out than facilitate this level of favouritism. What they are really saying is we have a better time at your sister’s but you can be our plan B.

Take control and decline politely - no they can’t come on Boxing Day.

Your poor dh is the black sheep and deserves better.