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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That if we are not good enough for Christmas Day, then also not good enough for Boxing Day?

272 replies

ChristmasFakeOff · 02/12/2025 09:15

A pattern has emerged with my in-laws.

"MIL/ FiL would you like to come to our house/ go out for dinner for Christmas Day/ Easter Sunday/ your birthday?" We always ask early e.g. in Sept for this Christmas.

Their response is always "Oh, we don't know what we are doing yet. We will wait to see if XXXX (their DD) invites us, our wants to do something with us. We will let you know". So, if DD offers, they go there, if they don't they either go away, or spend it with us.

FYI I know not of any issue, or anything we have done wrong, except that they massively favour their DD over my DH. DH pretends not to notice, but I do and it enrages me.

So, they are spending a few days with their DD, and then have said they will come to us on Boxing Day. SIL and boyfriend are going to his family on Boxing Day, otherwise we'd get the 27th/ 28th.

Well, what if Boxing Day is not convenient with ME? My traditions are that we go out and do an activity and then out for dinner on Christmas Eve, then home in time for snuggles on the sofa and a movie and choccies, and get ready for Santa (OK it's evolved as my DC are a bit older). Christmas Day is the mother of all roasts, a walk, eat your body weight in choccies, and play games. Boxing Day is chill out on the sofa, watch movies, and chuck all the leftovers on the dining room table to graze on all day with a few extras on top. Since I've done most of the woman work, Boxing Day is chill for me. A bottle of wine, movies and grazing our buffet in my onesie. My in-laws are invited to all the above.

This Christmas we will have extra people (they don't know this) and so it is going to be a lot of work. DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

AIBU to say that if you are constantly asked to join us on Christmas Day, and decline for a better offer, then you can't expect us to host you at that level on another day or Boxing Day?

OP posts:
Blizzardofleaves · 02/12/2025 12:13

And don’t invite her at all next year, cheeky mare. If she hasn’t got plans well that is tough titties. She can slave over her own trimmings from now on.

TidyCyan · 02/12/2025 12:14

Monty34 · 02/12/2025 11:38

You are assuming that they expect Christmas Day again on Boxing Day. I very much doubt that. And all you need to do is say what you are doing.
People get very worked up about who goes where and when. Without always knowing the full picture either. Who knows why MIL /FIL appears to feel the need to wait for DD to say what she is doing ? She might not want or be able to explain it to you. Just go with the flow. Don't see slights where there are not any.

Well, no. I am sure she doesn't want to explain that she would rather go to SiL's even if she asks them second. Because it's a bit frowned upon to be so obvious who is the favourite, right?

thestudio · 02/12/2025 12:14

Just be honest with the fuckers if they were originally invited for Boxing Day as well as Xmas day.

'Hi M/Fil, looking forward to seeing you both on Boxing day (though of course a bit sad to be second in line again). Just a reminder that for us as ever the main event is Xmas Day - with me working over the Xmas period it's not possible to do it all again because SIL is kicking you out, so it will be a delicious but informal grazing lunch with leftovers.See you then!'

TheAlertLimeSnail · 02/12/2025 12:17

pizzaHeart · 02/12/2025 09:22

So basically you are hosting on Christmas Day and they are invited. However they are busy in that day so will pop in to exchange presents the day after. Sounds fine.

They're not busy though, are they? They're waiting to see if they get invited by OP's SIL first.

"MIL/ FiL would you like to come to our house/ go out for dinner for Christmas Day/ Easter Sunday/ your birthday?" We always ask early e.g. in Sept for this Christmas.

Their response is always "Oh, we don't know what we are doing yet. We will wait to see if XXXX (their DD) invites us, our wants to do something with us. We will let you know".

BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 12:19

Lurker85 · 02/12/2025 09:37

They sound shamelessly vile. I wouldn’t have invited them to anything again after they did that the first time but I am petty as hell 😂

Really? They don’t sound vile to me. I automatically thought that they have a different relationship with their daughter than their son. I realise it is probably quite an assumption but my experience is that daughters are more involved with their parents even after they marry and that men become more immersed in their own families. So it felt quite natural to me that they prioritised their daughter’s plans.

MincePudding · 02/12/2025 12:21

DH didn't clear it with you so I suggest you go over his head and text MIL/FIL:

"Hi, DH has just told me you can come on Boxing Day :D I'll have stuff in for a buffet so there will be plenty of food and drink, so no need to bring anything except yourselves (and your slippers!) and anything that will help you relax :) looking forward to seeing you! DIL xx"

Notonthestairs · 02/12/2025 12:22

No, it's not normal to prioritise one child over the other.

What do you think happens in families where there is more than one female child?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/12/2025 12:24

Yanbu. I do feel sorry for your husband though wirh how his parental are treating them.

I'd tell him you're taking a complete break from hosting on boxing day. No cooking, clearing up or getting dressed. If they'd like to join you in this, thats fine. But if they want to be 'hosted' then they can come another day. Their choice

Justcallmedaffodil · 02/12/2025 12:28

We used to have this all the time with MIL/FIL, although it wasn’t so much that they favoured BIL/SIL, but more that they were more easily offended than DH so they’d wait to see what their plans were before getting back to us if we’d invited them to spend the day with us. In the end we just stopped inviting them, period.

canuckup · 02/12/2025 12:29

Completely agree

Also, next time mil tells you she may get a better offer (than yours) and puts you on hold, simply just tell her: 'oh never mind then if you're not free, forget it'

Wexone · 02/12/2025 12:30

Soonenough · 02/12/2025 10:34

Sorry but Mums are just closer to their own daughters. Perhaps they feel more comfortable there as can't really ask for or dictate any terms in your house ( quite rightly too ) . What is wrong with telling the truth ? That you already had the big Xmas meal/ done cooking and aren't willing to do it again . Welcome to come but that's the way it is on Boxing Day. Surely they can relate and might not even want a repeat . If it's a problem then I am afraid the term is going to have to be Fuck off then.

Feck off with this crap now - In this case there is more than one child in the family, you be fair about it now - Not everyone is close to their mothers either
Treat everyone fairly regadless if their sex

Ddakji · 02/12/2025 12:33

BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 12:19

Really? They don’t sound vile to me. I automatically thought that they have a different relationship with their daughter than their son. I realise it is probably quite an assumption but my experience is that daughters are more involved with their parents even after they marry and that men become more immersed in their own families. So it felt quite natural to me that they prioritised their daughter’s plans.

Show quote history

They have grandchildren too…

BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 12:38

Notonthestairs · 02/12/2025 12:22

No, it's not normal to prioritise one child over the other.

What do you think happens in families where there is more than one female child?

We really don’t know the dynamics of this specific family and the Op might not either.

Notonthestairs · 02/12/2025 12:46

BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 12:38

We really don’t know the dynamics of this specific family and the Op might not either.

Show quote history

Oh, stop making excuses for this sort of behaviour.

They were asked by their son to come for Christmas. They did not have plans for Christmas but wouldn't commit to the invitation in case something better came along.

Maybe thats how you treat your family and friends, its not how I treat mine.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/12/2025 12:48

ChristmasFakeOff · 02/12/2025 11:36

I feel a bit sorry for my DH. I wasn’t there when my he asked them, but my 2 DC were, and they said it was embarrassing to watch as he grovelled a bit. My DC were actually really annoyed at how they treated him. When he came back and relayed it to me it was all positive, but my DC said it wasn’t like that at all.

The mistake I’ve made here is not saying “it’s a Christmas Day invite, not Boxing Day”. That’s a good one going forward. MIL thinks Boxing Day is as important as Christmas Day and we should be sitting round a table with a side of roast beef and all the trimmings.

Next year I am planning on going away. Failing that, I’m having no one over. I’ll tell my DH we are not inviting them (or my side) and just assuming they are going to his sisters. This is the 3rd time they’ve blown us off, and asking again is just embarrassing ourselves.

My DH may be used to being the scapegoat in the Christmas panto, but I wasn’t brought up like this and I have more self respect.

Edited

Your dh is lucky to have you in his corner, @ChristmasFakeOff.

I can’t imagine treating any one of my children the way your dh’s parents are treating him - we always make sure we are treating all three of them equitably.

After all the work of Christmas Day, you deserve a restful, stress-free Boxing Day.

FlyingApple · 02/12/2025 12:48

Don't ask them anymore.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/12/2025 12:51

MIL thinks Boxing Day is as important as Christmas Day and we should be sitting round a table with a side of roast beef and all the trimmings.

Why doesn't she cook it then!?

bigboykitty · 02/12/2025 12:53

Send this "Crossed wires, I'm afraid. The invitation was for Christmas Day and you have other plans. We're not free on Boxing day so let's get together some other time". Have a lovely time without them.

TidyCyan · 02/12/2025 12:56

Notonthestairs · 02/12/2025 12:46

Oh, stop making excuses for this sort of behaviour.

They were asked by their son to come for Christmas. They did not have plans for Christmas but wouldn't commit to the invitation in case something better came along.

Maybe thats how you treat your family and friends, its not how I treat mine.

Show quote history

Quite. I wonder if @BatshitOutofHell thinks it's fine and dandy to be less interested in the grandchildren that came out of their DiL's womb as opposed to the revered DD's?

There isn't a "dynamic" that excuses coming out and saying "We will wait to see if DD wants to do something first" every single year. I could maybe understand if she was single and lived alone but she isn't.

SchrodingersParrot · 02/12/2025 13:01

This amounts to refusing to commit because they're waiting for a better offer, and it's what my gran would call "the height of bad manners". They obviously regard you as second-best, and they'll only agree to come to you if the better offer doesn't materialise.

I agree with the PPs who suggest telling them that you have other plans for Boxing Day. It will be interesting to see how they respond to that.

lizzyBennet08 · 02/12/2025 13:06

In our house it's either Xmas day or New Year's Day. Those are the options. We live in jammies in between .

Gfdeh · 02/12/2025 13:06

ChristmasFakeOff · 02/12/2025 11:36

I feel a bit sorry for my DH. I wasn’t there when my he asked them, but my 2 DC were, and they said it was embarrassing to watch as he grovelled a bit. My DC were actually really annoyed at how they treated him. When he came back and relayed it to me it was all positive, but my DC said it wasn’t like that at all.

The mistake I’ve made here is not saying “it’s a Christmas Day invite, not Boxing Day”. That’s a good one going forward. MIL thinks Boxing Day is as important as Christmas Day and we should be sitting round a table with a side of roast beef and all the trimmings.

Next year I am planning on going away. Failing that, I’m having no one over. I’ll tell my DH we are not inviting them (or my side) and just assuming they are going to his sisters. This is the 3rd time they’ve blown us off, and asking again is just embarrassing ourselves.

My DH may be used to being the scapegoat in the Christmas panto, but I wasn’t brought up like this and I have more self respect.

Edited

Honestly OP, this is just awful for your children to have witnessed.

On that basis I think you can indeed send a "crossed wires" text and kill it.

It is awful modelling for your children, them embarrassed for their father, pitying him, and them seeing that family treat him like that and he sucks it up.

You also cringing for him, really?..... I think you should spell it out to him.

Whom does he value more?
His parents or his children's good opinion of him?
Does he really want them embarrassed and mortified for him?

puppymaddness · 02/12/2025 13:09

BatshitOutofHell · 02/12/2025 12:19

Really? They don’t sound vile to me. I automatically thought that they have a different relationship with their daughter than their son. I realise it is probably quite an assumption but my experience is that daughters are more involved with their parents even after they marry and that men become more immersed in their own families. So it felt quite natural to me that they prioritised their daughter’s plans.

Show quote history

Exactly. Theres no need for OP to get in the middle of these family dynamics. Thats for her DH to worry about and it sounds like he doesn't.

On the other hand, completely reasonable of OP to say no to hosting again on Boxing Day.

puppymaddness · 02/12/2025 13:12

TidyCyan · 02/12/2025 12:56

Quite. I wonder if @BatshitOutofHell thinks it's fine and dandy to be less interested in the grandchildren that came out of their DiL's womb as opposed to the revered DD's?

There isn't a "dynamic" that excuses coming out and saying "We will wait to see if DD wants to do something first" every single year. I could maybe understand if she was single and lived alone but she isn't.

Edited
Show quote history

umm it's extremely common for GP to be much closer to their daughter's children than their son's . Reading mumsnet it's very easy to see why!

Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 02/12/2025 13:12

OP you need to make it very clear to them that they might not value you/DH as much as they value SIL but you sure as hell value yourselves. Invites need to be accepted/declined at least a month in advance. That is when you'll sort food out and if they've declined your offer in place of something else and it falls through then tough. That's their problem. You are hosting on Christmas day. If they want feeding then that is when you'll be hosting. If they come on boxing day then you'll be in your comfies scoffing leftovers. They're welcome to join in and make not a single judgemental comment on this otherwise piss off.

As the wife of a lovely and generous man who's parents openly favour his sister and his sister's kids I have opted right out of doing anything to facilitate a relationship with them. I'll be civil if they're in the same room but otherwise I've lost all sense of respect or obligation towards them. How fucked up do you have to be to openly love one child more than another?! Twats like that don't deserve shit tbh.