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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That if we are not good enough for Christmas Day, then also not good enough for Boxing Day?

272 replies

ChristmasFakeOff · 02/12/2025 09:15

A pattern has emerged with my in-laws.

"MIL/ FiL would you like to come to our house/ go out for dinner for Christmas Day/ Easter Sunday/ your birthday?" We always ask early e.g. in Sept for this Christmas.

Their response is always "Oh, we don't know what we are doing yet. We will wait to see if XXXX (their DD) invites us, our wants to do something with us. We will let you know". So, if DD offers, they go there, if they don't they either go away, or spend it with us.

FYI I know not of any issue, or anything we have done wrong, except that they massively favour their DD over my DH. DH pretends not to notice, but I do and it enrages me.

So, they are spending a few days with their DD, and then have said they will come to us on Boxing Day. SIL and boyfriend are going to his family on Boxing Day, otherwise we'd get the 27th/ 28th.

Well, what if Boxing Day is not convenient with ME? My traditions are that we go out and do an activity and then out for dinner on Christmas Eve, then home in time for snuggles on the sofa and a movie and choccies, and get ready for Santa (OK it's evolved as my DC are a bit older). Christmas Day is the mother of all roasts, a walk, eat your body weight in choccies, and play games. Boxing Day is chill out on the sofa, watch movies, and chuck all the leftovers on the dining room table to graze on all day with a few extras on top. Since I've done most of the woman work, Boxing Day is chill for me. A bottle of wine, movies and grazing our buffet in my onesie. My in-laws are invited to all the above.

This Christmas we will have extra people (they don't know this) and so it is going to be a lot of work. DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

AIBU to say that if you are constantly asked to join us on Christmas Day, and decline for a better offer, then you can't expect us to host you at that level on another day or Boxing Day?

OP posts:
TreeDudette · 02/12/2025 09:46

Just make sure DH is 100% clear on what is happening on the day and tell him to warn his parents and then carefully put down the rope and step away. He can stress and run around and make roast dinners if he wants to but you are going to be on the sofa in your pjs. You do need to stick to it though - it might be a disaster but that should solve the problem for future years or DH might step up and host which is also a solution.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/12/2025 09:46

I would make sure they get obvious leftovers when they come round, eg turkey sandwiches, cold sausage rolls and a glass of wine from a bottle that's already open.

Cymbalsimba · 02/12/2025 09:48

YANBU. Keep your Boxing Day. Invite them
on one of the in-between days where there’s less expectation of full on hosting.
It’s rude to hold out for better offer

Grumpynan · 02/12/2025 09:49

My PILs were like this, red carpet should be laid when they visit and stay down for the whole visit be waited on hand and foot with only the very best food and wine.

my advise is to stick to your plans, reply that your plans for Boxing Day are as follows and they are more than welcome to join in with you if they like. Make a light hearted comment about looking forward to a day of no cooking and loads of chilling

Shinyandnew1 · 02/12/2025 09:49

DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day

Well, maybe the issue is him.

He needs to say, 'you've welcome Boxing Day but we are hosting xyz on Christmas Day so obviously aren't up for cooking a second big dinner on Boxing Day.

You can come for leftovers or buffet but we don't want to have to put on a second big shenanigans. Or, we'll come to you. Which works you prefer?

CinnamonBuns67 · 02/12/2025 09:50

I get it and I'd want to tell them they can see us either before christmas eve or after boxing day and I do say that to my mum as she's same so I usually see her the weekend before.

However if your partner wants them to come for boxing day then he should be able to have them over but he can do everything to do with hosting.

godmum56 · 02/12/2025 09:50

"No, sorry that doesn't work for me"

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 02/12/2025 09:52

YANBU to have a chilled Boxing Day etc if they repeatedly decline invitations for an all-singing, all-dancing, festive Christmas Day.

I think it's very important though that this is communicated in advance. Who usually invites them - you or DH? And to whom do they eventually reply, declining Christmas Day?

Whoever speaks to them with the original invitation needs to explain the plans for each day clearly at that point. Then, when they announce they're coming on 26th/27th/28th, the plan should be reiterated. Then they cannot turn up and be annoyed about the lack of full roast etc (without being totally unreasonable).

If DH is responsible for communication with them, you need to have a convo with him to ensure he is doing this. Then you have set clear expectations and hopefully relax and enjoy your well-earned rest after the big day!

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 02/12/2025 09:52

Use the mumsnet special: That doesn't work for us.

bigboykitty · 02/12/2025 09:52

BeeCucumber · 02/12/2025 09:40

Tell them it’s a Christmas Day invitation. You have plans on Boxing Day. Don’t invite them at all next year.

This! They are very rude and you have no reason to fall in with their expectation that you will fit around their preferred child/children. Just say we have plans on boxing day and don't offer anything else.

LadyDanburysHat · 02/12/2025 09:53

Seriously, screw that. If they don't spend Christmas Day with you then they can have a quiet understated exchange of gifts. They do not get Christmas 2.0.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 02/12/2025 09:55

My mum is the same. She never once came to mine for Christmas. Always ummed and ahhed about it because she was hoping for an invite from one of my siblings. I no longer have a relationship with her.

Chumpingtonquinces · 02/12/2025 09:55

Just say Boxing Day is already planned but you can meet them for outing on 27th (or whatever works for you) for walk and drinks or go to them so you din’t have more work to do. Having favourite children is so destructive to families. They sound so harsh and thoughtless.

ViciousCurrentBun · 02/12/2025 10:00

SIL was always the favourite, DH just took it on the chin. When FIL died he left his entire estate to her. He had written his will when they were very young. DH is still good about it all. My Mother had 6 children and an obvious favourite, she also left her entire estate to my sister. My sisters attitude after was awful, I didn’t need the money at all but I will not forgive her for what she said to our much older sisters.

What is especially awful about your in laws is they are so thick they don’t even try to hide it.

Minjou · 02/12/2025 10:00

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 02/12/2025 09:52

Use the mumsnet special: That doesn't work for us.

Lots of posters seem be missing that the DH has already confirmed Boxing day with them. It's done.

Izzywizzy85 · 02/12/2025 10:00

No way. It’s fucking RUDE to tell one child they’re the consolation prize and they’d rather spend it with their sibling. My MIL did this once, my husband swore never to invite her again.

MaplePumpkin · 02/12/2025 10:00

I think your problem here lies more with your husband as he is the one who thinks this is okay and has said they can come on Boxing Day, even though you don’t want to, you (understandably) want to chill, and not host again.
As many others have said, you absolutely need to tell your husband that he can do all the hosting and all the work. Why the hell should you have to?

TippityTappity2 · 02/12/2025 10:06

BeeCucumber · 02/12/2025 09:40

Tell them it’s a Christmas Day invitation. You have plans on Boxing Day. Don’t invite them at all next year.

This is what I would do.

Icecreamisthebest · 02/12/2025 10:07

First I’d lay down a new rule with DH that no invitations are to be extended to anyone, including family, unless you have both agreed. Then I’d let him crack on. He is responsible for the whole of Boxing Day and you will not be involved.

If in-laws express any disappointment just remind them that you invited them for Christmas Day and suggest that you come to them instead next year

arcticpandas · 02/12/2025 10:08

Tell them that DH missed that you are busy on boxing day. You invited them for christmas day. Now they will have to see when you are available.

CautiousLurker2 · 02/12/2025 10:10

Unfair - and rude. When they say ‘they will see’ reply with, ‘No, PiL that doesn’t work for us. If you are unwilling to accept our invitation now in case you get a better offer, then our offer is withdrawn. We will catch up in the NY as we have plans for the remainder of Christmas.’

I truly wouldn’t stand for it. And if you don’t make a stand, they will continue to treat you like this.

lazyarse123 · 02/12/2025 10:12

My Mil always went to dhs younger sister every christmas day and older sister boxing day. We used to visit christmas eve. One year dh invited them to us in about October and mil said no as they were going to sisters, fair enough so the next year he asked in January plenty of notice but again no as they always go to sisters. I think in their case it was more a routine than an actual snub, but dh was really upset.
After both in laws died I talked to his sister about us inviting her parents and she said "i wish they would have gone to yours, I wish i'de never fucking started it" she was extremely close to her mum and dad but had never had a christmas day with just her dh and kids. I suppose it's difficult to change.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/12/2025 10:13

So your husband has invited them.

And your husband doesn't share the work on Xmas day ('Since I've done most of the woman work').

The problem isn't really with your in laws, is it? It's that your husband isn't communicating properly and isn't pulling his weight.

MrsPrendergast · 02/12/2025 10:14

Your DH will want to see his parents over Christmas, I'm sure

I'd either

Say that DH misread the calendar and YOU (OP) are busy most of Boxing Day but DH will pop over to see them and give presents, have a cup of tea and then join you at your "event"

Or say that his parents CAN come over on Boxing Day but it's just easy food (whatever that means for you) and would they bring a cheeseboard and a trifle

Or say no, you're all busy and you and DH will pop over for an hour on the 27th with gifts

Next year don't invite them at all and DH can see them on 27/28

itsthetea · 02/12/2025 10:15

They want to see all their children

if both children start making a fuss about when- then they won’t - do you know if DD has been less accommodating in the past ? Are you basically the more easy going ? They probably appreciate that

you can host without doing full on roast - just make that clear “ I have guests for Christmas so Boxing Day will be left overs / help yourself for food “

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