That if we are not good enough for Christmas Day, then also not good enough for Boxing Day?

[ChristmasFakeOff]

A pattern has emerged with my in-laws.

"MIL/ FiL would you like to come to our house/ go out for dinner for Christmas Day/ Easter Sunday/ your birthday?" We always ask early e.g. in Sept for this Christmas.

Their response is always "Oh, we don't know what we are doing yet. We will wait to see if XXXX (their DD) invites us, our wants to do something with us. We will let you know". So, if DD offers, they go there, if they don't they either go away, or spend it with us.

FYI I know not of any issue, or anything we have done wrong, except that they massively favour their DD over my DH. DH pretends not to notice, but I do and it enrages me.

So, they are spending a few days with their DD, and then have said they will come to us on Boxing Day. SIL and boyfriend are going to his family on Boxing Day, otherwise we'd get the 27th/ 28th.

Well, what if Boxing Day is not convenient with ME? My traditions are that we go out and do an activity and then out for dinner on Christmas Eve, then home in time for snuggles on the sofa and a movie and choccies, and get ready for Santa (OK it's evolved as my DC are a bit older). Christmas Day is the mother of all roasts, a walk, eat your body weight in choccies, and play games. Boxing Day is chill out on the sofa, watch movies, and chuck all the leftovers on the dining room table to graze on all day with a few extras on top. Since I've done most of the woman work, Boxing Day is chill for me. A bottle of wine, movies and grazing our buffet in my onesie. My in-laws are invited to all the above.

This Christmas we will have extra people (they don't know this) and so it is going to be a lot of work. DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

AIBU to say that if you are constantly asked to join us on Christmas Day, and decline for a better offer, then you can't expect us to host you at that level on another day or Boxing Day?

I laid down the rules early on. Christmas day anyone can come. Boxing day is for me. Building lego, going for a walk. Eating leftovers. Lolling. I'm officially off duty.

My view is that people can visit us when they want but that they then need to fit in to what we have planned.

so if they visit us on Boxing Day then they get us in chill out mode and will get buffet / leftovers. I’m not going to exhaust myself putting on a show for family, they can take us as we are. Everyone seems happy enough with this!

Maybe they don't like the choccies?

I've had that nonsense answer on the 5th November. It sticks in my head we'd been to fireworks and were having coffee with my Sis and Mum with the M&S Christmas book. We split the cost of Christmas dinner hence doing the order together.
Called the ILs 'don't know what we are doing'

About 4/5 weeks later, they asked could they come to us WITH the Choosen Family of 4. We said No, we were already at 9, 11 was do able at a squeeze, 15 was more than we'd have space for.

I still feel slightly bad for saying No, esp as one of 11 was a young pal who was planning Christmas alone, but at the same time I think asking to bring another 4 was beyond cheeky.

Its cheeky. I cant stand we'll let you know types who leave their options open. Tell them no you have made arrangements for boxing day. Or say you'll let them know. Then say sorry you can't make it. See how they like the we'll let you know treatment.

Ummmm. They were invited for Christmas in September. They appear to be invited for most holidays (Easter Sunday etc). There is a pattern of deflecting invitations.

Nobody should be pretending that the Op and her husband aren't trying pretty hard here.

I wouldn’t want them either on Boxing Day. You’ve made your Christmas plans. What a pain in the neck to have to then accommodate them.

AIBU to say that if you are constantly asked to join us on Christmas Day, and decline for a better offer, then you can't expect us to host you at that level on another day or Boxing Day?

YANBU that they're dicks for holding out for a better offer and making you guys plan B, which is just rude. But I can't actually see where they said they expected this level of hosting? Did you assume they'd expect a full sit-down roast beef and trimmings dinner on Boxing Day or did they actually say that? They might know all about the onesie and leftovers and want to get in on that action (I would!!)

Yes. And I actually don't think "common" is the same thing as acceptable or fair.

No I don’t think you’re unreasonable for saying you’re not hosting another day. I think the picky bits & a film sounds lovely anyway & I would much prefer this as a guest anyway. Also it’s not Christmas Day. They made their choice & you don’t have to go above or beyond. I find their behaviour abhorrent.

however, it’s not up to you to get upset on your husbands behalf with regards to how he is treated. Id tell him it pissss you off but then I’d leave it. I’d let him take the lead on how they are treated & id carry on being nice & inviting when they come round but ultimately id concentrate on the people who want to be there. I’d leave all future invites in the hands of your husband. I would stop inviting them over personally

You need to explain it to DH in exactly the terms you've written here.

It's too much to pull all of that off then be asked to give up your usual recovery day to host again.

If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you and that's that, really. Dh can take the kids and visit them while you put your feet up.

It's your Xmas too. We sacrifice so much of the fun to pull off present buying and wrapping and cleaning and prepping and cooking and hosting and everything bloody else!

PROTECT YOUR PEACE, OP!

This.

I've had almost 30 years of the inlaws prioritising their other child's arrangements and ignoring our invitations. When they declined our invitations I just used to say "what a shame," and left it at that.

For most people, Christmas Day, December 25th is the ultimate holiday, it's bigger and a singularly more important day than any other, so that is the ultimate number one invitation day.

So, you invited them over for December 25th dinner because you're already hosting and you thought that would be kind to invite them, but they want to defer until they find out if they get a better offer from another one of their kids, hopefully their daughter.

It's like asking someone to the school dance well in advance, and they say "Well I don't know, I'll let you know closer to the date, I'm hoping somebody else will ask me... If the person I really want doesn't ask me then sure, I'll go with you"

Not very nice to be a backup plan is it?

I'm sorry you have to feel this way. It's very rude of them to try to balance your current genuinely offered dinner invitation with a future hopeful invitation, so either way, they have a good time.

I would suggest picking a time, in a week, two weeks, whatever feels right to you, and asking them one more time if they will be free for Christmas DAY because you are getting the food ready to make sure there's enough, getting the seating ready, etc, so you need a final headcount. If they still waffle, then just breeze it off in a friendly matter and say "oh well that's too bad I'm sure you'll have a lovely Christmas Day and we'll talk to you later.".. And if on the 23rd or 24th they contact you and say oh no we're free can we come, well, my suggestion is don't let them contact you before Christmas unless you're prepared to say "no I'm sorry, we're full up we don't have a single spot left."

In this specific situation for Boxing Day given where you are I would try to agree with DH to retract his Boxing Day agreement, state you have other plans he had forgotten / was not aware of and tell them no. If he refuses, any cooking / preparation is on him. I might even invent my own ‘plans’ if he refuses and go see a friend or a member of family so I am not there, take the kids too if possible!
Going forwards, I would give them a deadline to confirm an invite or say straight away ‘OK, no problem, we’ll make alternative plans. It is plain rude to openly state you are the backup plan. My DH might be OK with that but as you say, I would have too much self respect.

"A bells and whistles boxing day does not work for me. It will be my turn for putting my feet up and relaxing after hosting an exhausting Christmas Day. If you want to visit and help yourself to some leftovers, then you're very welcome."

And he was in the wrong for not consulting with OP beforehand. Now he needs to fix it.

YANBU at all, OP. I'm glad your DH has someone like you to stick up for him. It must be terrible to feel forever second-best to his sister.

Op as pp said just don't accept their invitation
It's not convenient for you

It's incredibly rude and obvious of them .

These types of favouring parents are ultimately about themselves.
My friend has had 20 years of this with her in laws and his golden balls brother and his family.

They simply never bothered with her lovely husband and family, always preferring golden balls and his children.
It did sting but they got on with it.
She recently reduced her nursing hours and now works 4 mornings.

They now need driving to appointments, shops etc., and now suddenly think she could be useful.
They are balking at the expense of taxis even though they can well afford it.
To say she has knocked it completely on the head is putting it mildly.

Any free afternoons she has will be spent with her darling Aunt and not ferrying his parents about.
Golden balls rang her directly and she made it crystal clear where she stood.
She is completely ambivalent about the fallout as they are nothing to her.
She didn't want any ambiguity about their future care as it really is nothing whatsoever to do with her.

Her husband will visit them, but wouldn't dream of thinking that she will be involved after all these years.
They always went to the brothers home for the holidays as it was "easier".

Maybe SILs roast dinner is nicer than yours? 🤷‍♀️

seriously though don’t sweat it. Maybe they just feel more comfortable imposing on their hospitality than yours? Unless they’ve specifically told you they prefer their company - I’d just take it for what is. And don’t do Christmas Day again.

stick to your usual plans! Just do a bit more veg the day before, buy an extra dessert and if needs be stick a chicken crown in the oven on Boxing Day morning for a couple hours for hot turkey butties. It’s only a huge ordeal if you make it one

My in laws will only accept invites from us if their daughter and family will be there too...even sunday dinners. If its just us they change the location to their house and invite SILs family too. I get on well very with her and love seeing them but it has got to the point where my husband is questioning why they can't see him and his kids without his sister there. Same with christmas. We have invited PILs to stay with us several times and they say they would rather wait for SIL to be free too. She likes a family christmas day at home with just the 4 of them (absolutley fine) so PILs chose to spend xmas day at home alone rather than come to us just because SIL won't be there. This year we decided to go away and didn't invite them and they are sulking about it despite them never having accepted our invite before!

You invited your in-laws for Christmas day, they declined the invitation,
Now they are saying they will come on Boxing Day, though not invited.
Boxing Day is your day to chill after a busy day hosting.

Either say 'okay' accept us as we are normally on BD ( hopefully their visit will be short ) and you won't have to have them part of your well-deserved day of rest, or tell them it's out of the question, you're busy that day, or have your DH do all the cooking, laying out of leftovers, making tea, serving drinks etc...

I think you've been fair inviting for Xmas Day, it's far easier to put extra plates out etc...than to wake up to another day of entertaining.
It does sound as if visiting you and DH is lower on their wish-list than spending the holiday with other family members.

I presume your DH is keen for their approval and affirmation which is manifested by a festive visit. He knows he won't be first choice, he's the back up plan but wants the family get together at his place. Does that have to be Xmas Day or Boxing Day? Can't it be a visit around that time? I wouldn't want to pander to that lack of fairness but maybe DH is worried he'll see them even less?
Make it clear there's no red carpet on Boxing Day, other guests are coming anyway and perhaps PIL will cancel. Your home, your rules. If it's too late to change things this year make it clear next year.

People like that need to get a grip.
I thought it was just my ILs who'd try to wangle an invite for the Choose family.

What invitation ? The in laws have turned down OP's invitation to Christmas Day and invited themselves to Boxing Day