That if we are not good enough for Christmas Day, then also not good enough for Boxing Day?

[ChristmasFakeOff]

A pattern has emerged with my in-laws.

"MIL/ FiL would you like to come to our house/ go out for dinner for Christmas Day/ Easter Sunday/ your birthday?" We always ask early e.g. in Sept for this Christmas.

Their response is always "Oh, we don't know what we are doing yet. We will wait to see if XXXX (their DD) invites us, our wants to do something with us. We will let you know". So, if DD offers, they go there, if they don't they either go away, or spend it with us.

FYI I know not of any issue, or anything we have done wrong, except that they massively favour their DD over my DH. DH pretends not to notice, but I do and it enrages me.

So, they are spending a few days with their DD, and then have said they will come to us on Boxing Day. SIL and boyfriend are going to his family on Boxing Day, otherwise we'd get the 27th/ 28th.

Well, what if Boxing Day is not convenient with ME? My traditions are that we go out and do an activity and then out for dinner on Christmas Eve, then home in time for snuggles on the sofa and a movie and choccies, and get ready for Santa (OK it's evolved as my DC are a bit older). Christmas Day is the mother of all roasts, a walk, eat your body weight in choccies, and play games. Boxing Day is chill out on the sofa, watch movies, and chuck all the leftovers on the dining room table to graze on all day with a few extras on top. Since I've done most of the woman work, Boxing Day is chill for me. A bottle of wine, movies and grazing our buffet in my onesie. My in-laws are invited to all the above.

This Christmas we will have extra people (they don't know this) and so it is going to be a lot of work. DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

AIBU to say that if you are constantly asked to join us on Christmas Day, and decline for a better offer, then you can't expect us to host you at that level on another day or Boxing Day?

“Since I've done most of the woman work”

Really? It’s 2025 ffs!

Let them come but just to graze on your leftovers and chill out. Definitely make it clear you will not be doing Christmas Day round 2.

Boxing day is my favourite - far more chill and all the lovely stuff to eat up. However, anyone who said 'not sure what we're doing yet' when asked about Christmas arrangements would receive the answer 'oh well, never mind then, we might see you next year.' No loose arrangements in this house, need it all nailed down well before October.

Excepting my DILs family because her sister is in the police and works shifts over Christmas, so they are allowed to have a moveable feast.

You invited them first but admit you are lower down the pecking order, and they would rather be elsewhere. Then that they have found something else to do when they are invited to you so which to choose a different day? NO!

Response:
‘Sorry we are busy on 26th. The invite was for the 25th this year, that’s why I asked so far ahead of time as the kids would have liked to see you. Feel free to pop by on the afternoon of the 25th’

It’s odd they can’t offer to host one year so that it isn’t a competition between you and the other family.

Just stop bothering. Invite people who want to be around you……you will enjoy being around those people more!

Why are you striving so hard to be around people who clearly don’t want to be around you??

Yeah you may as well say “give us some time to see if we get any better offers. If we don’t then we’ll come to you! “

Completely agree, bollocks to that. Treat people permanently like second fiddle then you get what you deserve

So what has your DH actually said to you telling him that Boxing Day is down to him to shop, prep and cook for?

Because unless he is enthused about the prospect and has form for actually delivering a full meal then I'd say to him that he needs to go back to his parents and say that he miscommunicated, there are plans already [to do nothing] for Boxing Day and the invite was for Christmas Day but perhaps next year. Would they like to pop in for lunch on 28th or join for a big walk and a pub lunch on the 27th.

This!! Play them at their own game and not make them think you're twiddling your thumbs waiting for them to decide what they want to do. You are busy too.

I agree that Boxing Day is for family chilling and not hosting. I’m not clear why they can’t pop in for a cup of tea and mince pie on one of the later dates.. 27-30? @ChristmasFakeOff

If Boxing Day isn't convenient for you then your DH needs to tell them no. They are clearly only seeing you when it works for them, so no reason at all for you not to do the same.
As for the favouritism, hard to comment without knowing where they stand in your own priorities in comparison with your folks. My MiL always prioritised her DD, but in fairness, when my parents were alive I always prioritised them and they were the default GPs, which is so often the case with the maternal family, so I can't complain.

Never?

I have been saying exactly that to cover pretty much the whole of November, since late September. Because I knew I would be moving house.

And it's just as well I did, because the planned moving date couldn't happen, so things had to be rescheduled by three weeks. So I could make things that I didn't think I would, and I couldn't make things that I thought should be ok.

And. That's therefore his problem to solve.

Regardless OP needs do nothing. Including cook and do the shopping for it.

It's firmly his problem to deal with.

If I issued an invitation and the invitee said they had to wait until they heard from another party (who had not yet issued an invitation) I would be inclined to say "Ah, so you'll only come to us if you have nothing better to do?" with a (fake) laugh.

Totally get you OP. You’re no one else’s sloppy seconds.

Tell them you can’t do 26th (and, only if you want to, they can pop by on x date instead).

"Not sure what we're doing yet" often means "thanks but I'll wait to see if something preferable turns up" IME.

This Christmas we will have extra people (they don't know this) and so it is going to be a lot of work. DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

This is the perfect time to say that this doesn't work for you.

If your DH insists on having them, then you take the kids and go to your family on Boxing Day.

I can't believe they expect a meal on Boxing Day! Fuck that!

I think you need to stop trying to change them.

Ask them for new year Instead, whys everyone e obsessed with xmas day and boxing day.if they say no forget it. Stand up to.your family both.of you
Stop letting them dictate to you.

For me the problem here is that your dh doesn’t (or doesn’t want to) notice. It might well be that it’s so normal for him that it doesn’t register tbh.
So if you tell him you’re upset and they are out of line blablabla, he might well not take it well at all.

Seeing that it’s a ‘last minute’ decision, and they dint normally pop round on Boxing Day, I’d tell DH what you said here - Boxing Day is for longing in pjs, not entertaining agd do the whole Christmas with all the trimmings all again. You’ve done it once. You’re not doing it again.
Tell him that either PIL are happy to join in the slob day and eat left overs. Or he is the one who does the cooking (and planning etc etc).

Then I’d have a separate chat on whether he realises your family (not you, even if you’re the one who is disturbing the whole dynamics) is always coming second. Him, your together dcs, your family together.
I also suspect hed see it ‘better’ if he was the one doing the organising with his parents. The jumping through hoops to have them involved just fur them to then decide they have a better offer… how taken fur granted one is when this happens….
That part is him realising what’s gping on had coming to terms to the fa t his parehts aren’t treating him (and his own family) well. That’s incl the grand children they process to be ever so important that they want to be there first all Christmas or birthday outings thry dint turn up to.

Akso your dh needs to learn to ask you first before agreeing to something that impacts you

Yes, this is why the 'see you next year' answer works. It basically says 'if you're not willing to commit and would rather sit alone because your preferred option didn't offer, that's not my fault.'

'Not sure what we're doing yet' is code for 'you're not important enough for us to immediately accept'.

The good news is restaurants on BD are half the price of Christmas Day. I would give them the choice- relaxed Boxing day at yours with turkey curry or if they want a full slap up meal, then you all go out but everyone pays for themselves.

Nice of you to invite them. They have declined. If you don’t want to have guests Boxing Day decline them and arrange a different day to see them. If they change their mind about Xmas day last minute and it’s too late to add them in explain you can’t have them as you have done all your prep.

I can't believe they expect a meal on Boxing Day!

Do they though? Or are some women so ingrained to be people pleasers that they they fall over themselves to pull out all the stops to be the 'perfect host' no matter what the circumstances.

Meanwhile their oblivious DHs are usually (and in OPs case, defnitely, by the sound of it) thoroughly useless and think it all magically happens!

I'm here to tell those people to stop it right now!! Be yourselves, they're not bloody royalty, they don't need all the fancy shit, if they want to come and spend time in YOUR house with YOUR family then they sure as shit should be fitting in to whatever YOUR plans are! If they don't like it, they can just not come.. or if they don't enjoy it, they can decline next time.

Stop being doormats, you may be surprised by the results!!

Just include the in-laws in whatever you're doing on boxing day. Nobody wants another huge meal.