That if we are not good enough for Christmas Day, then also not good enough for Boxing Day?

[ChristmasFakeOff]

A pattern has emerged with my in-laws.

"MIL/ FiL would you like to come to our house/ go out for dinner for Christmas Day/ Easter Sunday/ your birthday?" We always ask early e.g. in Sept for this Christmas.

Their response is always "Oh, we don't know what we are doing yet. We will wait to see if XXXX (their DD) invites us, our wants to do something with us. We will let you know". So, if DD offers, they go there, if they don't they either go away, or spend it with us.

FYI I know not of any issue, or anything we have done wrong, except that they massively favour their DD over my DH. DH pretends not to notice, but I do and it enrages me.

So, they are spending a few days with their DD, and then have said they will come to us on Boxing Day. SIL and boyfriend are going to his family on Boxing Day, otherwise we'd get the 27th/ 28th.

Well, what if Boxing Day is not convenient with ME? My traditions are that we go out and do an activity and then out for dinner on Christmas Eve, then home in time for snuggles on the sofa and a movie and choccies, and get ready for Santa (OK it's evolved as my DC are a bit older). Christmas Day is the mother of all roasts, a walk, eat your body weight in choccies, and play games. Boxing Day is chill out on the sofa, watch movies, and chuck all the leftovers on the dining room table to graze on all day with a few extras on top. Since I've done most of the woman work, Boxing Day is chill for me. A bottle of wine, movies and grazing our buffet in my onesie. My in-laws are invited to all the above.

This Christmas we will have extra people (they don't know this) and so it is going to be a lot of work. DH has told them they can come on Boxing Day, but I have said I am not hosting and doing Christmas Day all over again.

AIBU to say that if you are constantly asked to join us on Christmas Day, and decline for a better offer, then you can't expect us to host you at that level on another day or Boxing Day?

YANBU, it's so hurtful to be the 2nd or 3rd choice option. My relationship with DF has broken down entirely after he announced around 7 years ago that he and DSMum would always be going to visit her DC and DGC for Christmas "because her life wouldn't be worth living if she didnt get to spend Christmas with them". Meanwhile "it would fit very well for them to come and see us on the 28th". Well now they get nothing.

I don't understand this at all, and I don't understand it from OP either.

Why can't you just be yourselves and they fit in to what you are doing already? What do you think would happen if you did that? Why would you martyr yourselves for people you obviously don't have a great relationship with to start with?

I love hosting, but I never feel the need to go above and beyond what we normally do for ourselves just to impress people that couldn't give two shits the rest of the time! Christmas sends people wacky!

I understand you have plans for Christmas Day
I/we do have plans for Boxing Day
Let's meet another day?

Keep it friendly, civil and drama free. Up to you when to arrange a meet up, and how low key to host if you invite them (tea and Christmas pudding mince pies are enough!)

Must be infuriating. I suggest though, that you dont play games. If Boxing day is inconvenient, say no. If actually, it's OK, then take your lead from your dh and say yes if he'd like her to come.

YANBU - “sorry FIL and MIL, the invite was for Christmas Day and we’re not hosting on Boxing Day. You’re welcome to call in for a drink of course. If you do want to come on Xmas Day you need to tell us by [date].”

The End.

your DH can deal with any fallout.

I'd turn it back on them. Oh no sorry, we don't know what we're doing boxing day yet. If we decide to be home and feel like visitors, we'll let you know. Then do NOT let them know until last minute.

Boxing Day doesn't have to be another big meal though. We used to have turkey sandwiches, mince pies and trifle as a kid, and I enjoyed that as much as Christmas dinner.

Also I would have to put my foot in it and say something. "Funny how your DD always seems to be the first choice. It would be nice if you put DH first for once."

So you are happy for them to join you on Boxing Day but they will need to join in with your usual Boxing Day - that seems fine to me . Do they actually expect you to do another Christmas Day ?

YANBU but please don't use "choccies"

The one thing they are doing though is being honest with you about waiting for an invitation, a lot of PIL would lie and pretend they didn't know what they were doing until they got the green or red light, so they seem happy enough to tell you the truth.

I know you say they 'prefer' their daughter, and maybe they do, but there may also be an element of them HAVING to fit in with what the daughter wants, she determines the schedule and will only give them one bit of their christmas and they either need to be there or miss out entirely, they obviously don't feel comfortable just rocking up there like they do their son, so in some ways that says more about the comfortable nature of their relationship with you and DH and they know you are more flexible so put you second choice.. it sucks, and make you feel second best, but I can see why they have to do it if that is the only chance they have to see their daughter.

Bottom line though.. if they want to come, they fit in with YOUR plans, not the other way around, don't do anything different to what you had in mind just for their benefit, it's ridiculous.

Don't you ever think the reason they put you second is they know, that no matter what, you will roll out the red carpet for them?? You're both playing your second fiddle roles perfectly and if you want it to stop you need to stop pandering to them and start expecting them to fit in instead.

How much does DH actually care about this? How much effort does he put into hosting Christmas? Is he posting online about it? Does his sister do more at Christmas than him and care more if they come over? If she does, then there is your answer.

My inlaws used to be the same. Always at sil so could never come to us. One year they agreed then had to backtrack as sil had already arranged some big expensive thing on Xmas eve so obviously just assumed they were going to her without even asking. I do wonder if they didn't dare say no because she'd have a tantrum (she regularly stops talking to them). I've learnt to just let it go and assume they're doing their best and probably appreciate we're not going to act like 5 yo's. They are generally lovely people though. I might feel differently if they weren't.

Either you tell them it is not convenient or DH does everything, and you can always slob upstairs for a bit out of their way if they are there too long

Completely agree. Had this many years ago when I asked in laws if they would like to come to us for Xmas. Fil sneered and said " no we will be with (favourite child) of course"...mil was flapping and trying to mitigate it but I calmly said "no problem I won't ask again" and I haven't!
In your case I would say the invite was for Xmas day and you have plans for the 26th so maybe next year?

Sorry there's been a mix up! Dh forgot we have company on boxing day sad face emoji maybe we could do another day?

Absolutely not unreasonable to set boundaries - I'm afraid Boxing Day doesn't work for us, can you make the 27th?

My husband would do ANYTHING for his mum and cannot say no to her, but even he would be absolutely fine with letting her know what works and doesn't work. He would also be fine with defending time to do nothing - just because no one else is coming, doesn't mean that's a free day for visitors.

I’d put them off for Boxing Day - however much people say you should just let them muck in, you won’t be as relaxed. I’d go back to them saying DH forgot you had plans for Boxing Day and you’ll see them on 23rd or 27th…

Ex MILs life revolved around her daughter’s beck and call. I just think it’s a thing. I don’t think YABU but to a degree everyone wants things done ‘their’ way at Christmas so everyone is BU!

Sorry but Mums are just closer to their own daughters. Perhaps they feel more comfortable there as can't really ask for or dictate any terms in your house ( quite rightly too ) . What is wrong with telling the truth ? That you already had the big Xmas meal/ done cooking and aren't willing to do it again . Welcome to come but that's the way it is on Boxing Day. Surely they can relate and might not even want a repeat . If it's a problem then I am afraid the term is going to have to be Fuck off then.

Sorry but we are having a lazy day boxing day this year. Keep it simple.
Add in you are happy to visit them <insert day of your choice > then.

Err…not all mums are closer to their daughters. Some treat all their children fairly and want to spend time with them regardless of their sex.

I’m totally with you op.
do it your way.
I don’t have a big family and have not experienced these situations. No guests and no hosting. But I think it needs to be fairer and an invitation to yours needs to be politely and graciously accepted not to make you feel that you are the last resort. And no you don’t host another Christmas Day event.
id say it has to be 27th or 23rd maybe

I don’t agree necessarily that mums are closer to their daughters re Christmas, my experience is the waiting to see what sons are doing before committing. That’s why I don’t ask my parents for Christmas Day anymore as I won’t be second best to my brother or feel I have to invite him.

The thing is OP you are having a rant and I get it, they are rude. However are you actually going to put your foot down and leave everything to your DH? Honestly this is what I would do. Leave everything to him. I would make it clear that they’ll be leftovers (probably) but you’re not planning shopping and cooking for Boxing Day. This doesn’t have to be done with drama or anger just simply and quietly.

In our house Christmas dinner is cooked and served on Christmas day, there's nothing remotely resembling a Christmas dinner being cooked or served on Boxing day.

At best I'll cook off some new potatoes then it's cold meats and left overs until they run out.

I get you. SiL is the favourite child. Fortunately I met DH when we were 19, and 20 odd years on we are our own family unit in which he is my favourite. And live 4 hours away. Funnily enough since I produced the first and only grandchild they have been much more interested.

Anyway... Your issue here is if DH has said yes knowing they will expect best dressed kids and a roast. He needs to communicate back to them that if they come Boxing Day they've missed all that but are welcome to come and fit in.

Boxing Day here is usually pop to the sales for a bit, come back and bung in a three fish pie with the leftover veggies. Then cheese. And wine.