To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

[Zscalent]

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

I would've dropped you a message to let you know I was sick, but if you'd cancelled the playdate because you weren't happy for my DH to bring my child I wouldn't have bothered to rearrange. At this age it's for the kids, not you.

I meant to say "suggest moving it to somewhere more public" not private doh!

Do you think maybe he was expecting to just drop his kid off so they didn't think it would matter who brought her and only realised you expected him to stay when he got there. I've never stayed with my kids at a playdate.

I wouldn't be happy with that, you invited the child so they could play, but no way would I want to make small talk with a man who I have never met before for 2 hours. Yes the other mum was out of order.

You wanted the heads up to move to somewhere more private with the DH?

It's a playdate and it's for the kids not you. He probably wasn't that impressed to have to spend 2 hours with somebody he's never met but as a good father and husband he sucked it up for his wife and daughter. You need to do the same.

I think a lot of women would be uncomfortable letting a man they never met into their home while they are there alone with their kids? Rescheduling would really bother you that much really?

Yabu. Maybe expected to just drop his child. Did you ask him to stay?

I would have let you know for sure and asked if it was ok. It's not that unusual for women to be wary about men they don't know esp in a private space with no other adults around, and without the context of it being work etc. At least it's polite to give a heads up so you know what to expect.

I've been the ill one and always messaged to ask if its ok to send DH instead.

Course its about the kids, but come on, you'd be happy with a man you had never met, being in your house and having to make small talk for 2 hours!

I’ve never had parents stay for a play date I’ve arranged. Different if I’m inviting the mum for a catch up or to get to know her but that’s clear when arranging the play date.
iI would have been a bit uncomfortable but would have sucked it up for my kid, just as I’m sure the dad was. Sounds like he parents equally with the mum. I don’t think it’s a big deal.

I think unfortunately these things happen. The play date was for the child so it could have been any parent with them. Did you ask him to stay or say he could just drop off?

No, I asked at the door if he wanted to drop off and collect her later but he said he'd stay as his kid is a bit nervous for the first time in homes she's never been to before.
Like I said he was a lovely guy, I felt uncomfortable due to my own issues but do think I should have been given a heads up

Well I don't know the mums either in my kid's class, I see them for twenty secs at most at drop off. Makes no difference to me.

Yes I think that's rude OP especially as it was at your house. The other mum should have messaged to say she's not well and ask whether you'd mind rearranging or should she send dad in stead. She should have given you the choice to rearrange.

Its not just about the kids, its about the parents too if they're in your home as you have to host them and socialise with them.

Couldn't he have dropped off and picked up a couple of hours later? Not sure why he had to stay

I suspect it wasn't his idea of a great afternoon either

Did you make any suggestion that he could leave and collect the child later on?
I think what could have happened was that he thought it was a drop off, but you invited him in / didn’t suggest he left and collected later so he awkwardly stayed.

But I voted YANBU as I think the person you are arranged the play date with should have text you to find out if a drop off was ok instead or to reschedule if something had come up for her.

Yeah I think that’s rude, assuming he was intending to stay - you sure he wasn’t expecting to drop her off? I wouldn’t find it traumatic, but I wouldn’t particularly want an unexpected and unknown man in my house for a couple of hours - if I invite mum and child that’s who I’d be expecting! I had someone do this to me once but they had actually done the inviting, to a park play date and then sent their own Mum/child’s Gran! It’s not so much about the sex of the person for me as it’s just awkward having to make small talk with a total stranger when I was expecting a nice chat with a mum friend that I actually knew.

It doesn't sound as though the OP knows the mum very well either.

But yeah a quick text to say her dad was taking her would've been polite.

At 5 years old you certainly could have just offered him to drop her off and give you his number in case something happened. I stopped accompanying mine on play dates age 4 at the latest unless I was friends with the Mum too. Left them at 3 in some cases. It's fine they are left at school aren't they

I’m not sure how I’d feel as the play date is for the child not the adult. I wouldn’t have done that myself but equally don’t think the parents of the child did anything wrong. The vibe at my youngest school is very different to that at my eldest’s. At the younger one’s school, a lot of the dads do the party duties and make small talk with all the mums and some attend the coffee meet ups instead of the mums whereas at my son’s it is unheard of for the dad’s to be involved like this 😅 A little sexist of me but I was shocked that the dads were so involved in the school WhatsApp groups etc at my little one’s school as the older ones school group is still named Year X Mum’s and only has 2 dad’s in it - one because the mum doesn’t speak English and the other because of a bitter break up where the parents don’t communicate with one another 😬

I think it'd have been nice if they're messaged and said 'btw, it'll be Bob not Jane as Jane is ill,' but I doubt they thought anything of it.

It must be really horrible to be triggered as you are - but I don't think they were rude. Lots of people just see a playdate as a 'child plus attending adult as available' type thing.

Yes, a huge social gaffe on his part. He should have messaged to explain his partner was ill and asked if you wanted to reschedule. It would then be up to you to say "You're welcome to bring DC yourself" or "ok ask your DP to message when she's ready we'll rearrange".
Aside from the possibility of discomfort with an unknown man in your home, you don't just substitute one invited guest for another.

It would have been polite to let you know but I'd view the invite as being to the DC, with her adult +1, so it shouldn't really matter which parent brought her.

If I was the mum I definitely would have messaged to check it was ok for DH to come round instead on me but on the flip side I wouldn’t really of been bothered about him turning up I’d of just put the kettle on and chatted rubbish (but I don’t have your past trauma so I know that’s a lot easier for me).