To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

[Zscalent]

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

Is it normal for parents to stay on a playdate for 5 year olds? I never did (and neither did the parents stay when I had their kids over).

I'm female and I'd rather grow ball stand staple them together than go for tea at another parents house and make small talk

Yes quite... but Mums have a higher threshold for this stuff usually

I've failed on that one then lol

No, we can't know everyone's personal situations. But we can decide to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume that it's polite to check if invitations are transferrable etc, and that if someone isn't comfortable in our presence, we can choose to assume it might not be about us.

You don't need to know all the details if you give people a bit more grace and kindness as the default option.

What on earth is "mum small talk"? Can't 2 adults just,I dunno, talk? About whatever? Dads aren't some sort of socially inept creatures.

Well no. I don't see why I would want to invite some random woman to entertain for a couple of hours. Usually if my kids had a friend round they were occupied with each other giving me 5 mins peace.

But then again I've never wanted to seek out friends simply because they got pregnant around the same time as me

Sure, but i guess in this instance I see the invitation as being directed towards the child, not the parents, so ergo any caregiver to accompany the child is fine. We usually take turns to take our dc to parties/playdates etc

We wouldn’t have done this unless we were all already friends and I knew you and DH would be at ease together. Lots of women don’t want to be alone with strange males, and for good reason. Plus if you invite another mum for a playdate where you’re clearly expecting her to stay, that’s usually an overture of friendship towards her as well as facilitating the children’s play. It’s weird to just sub in your DH without even asking first.

YANBU at all. Apart from my DH who is my best friend I find men much harder to talk to than women. I feel more at ease with women and could easily find common ground to chat for a couple of hours. I can make small talk for a short while with DH’s friends and my friends’ partners and one on one for an afternoon would be would be really uncomfortable.

To use the dreaded words 'play dates' are for children to play, i have a life outside my child so if children are invited for a play date it is in the name

And I can be in a space with someone of the opposite sex without a chaperone, having children does not need to make them your whole life

If women dont want to be around men stick a sign up outside saying 'no men allowed' would be easier

YANBU

She absolutely should have given you a heads-up. It would’ve given you the chance to say, “That’s fine, he can drop her off and go,” or to make your excuses and rearrange. I’d find that totally unacceptable. It must have been so awkward. I’d have been really uncomfortable in that situation. It’s a bit off that she didn’t just message you if she was ill and apologise for not being able to make it. Have you seen her since? Simple communication is all it takes.

Weird of them not to say anything esp if you don't know the dad, and he basically invited himself in

it’s interesting the different views on this

the op invited the mum and child for a play date, kid was excited, mum unwell. Dad takes kid instead so kids don’t miss out, dad stays as kid is nervous as it’s first time,

camp 1,the parents should have realised the op maybe a victim of trauma and asked if the op was ok with a man being in the house.

camp 2. It was a play date, both parents are parents, and as long as one brings them it’s fine, neither parent was to know the op was a trauma victim,

im in the second camp im afraid, id just think as long as one parent brings the child it’s fine and men should be active parents. For all they knew it could have been the dad of the ops child who was there not the op.

i think as many peiple wouldn’t immediately think of trauma round men for a play date for kids, the op needs to make it clear when inviting for a play date she can’t have the fathers involved.

Why on earth does he have to stay? He can just drop off and come up 2h later

Nah, this is weird. You arranged with the mum, so you were expecting the mum - that's pretty obvious! I would think it was very weird if some other random person turned up and sat in my kitchen for 2 hours.

You invited the child for a play date , why does it matter that her dad brought her, it was as about the kids not the adults

For what reason did you feel it was necessary to be so flippant and dismissive about the impact of OPs trauma? And you're not the only one, plenty of women here have done the same, amazing how much shame victims are meant to feel if their abuse has had any impact on them, especially if that impact relates to men.

They really are lacking brains between them. Who on earth wants to make small talk with a man they’ve never met before in their own home for hours. Why would they think it was perfectly fine to assume this was reasonable? If you know the other mum, that’s totally different!

I would never have reacted this way. I’d feel uncomfortable - without necessarily fearing - having to entertain a strange man in my home, so would sympathise.

Many other women would be extremely triggered by unexpectedly being alone ( with children in another room ) with a man they did not know. Sad that it should be so, but a somewhat inevitable result of male violence and sexual harassment

Would never have crossed my mind that there was something specific about which parent went.

You’re a right knob. Seriously - you accuse a woman who has been abused a man hater and mock her for needing a ‘chaperone’? I strongly suspect you are a nasty and entitled man. If you’re a woman, hang your fucking head in shame.

She very clearly says she invited the mum and the child

I would expect a message saying that the mum is unwell and the dad would bring the child over. But otherwise wouldn't be bothered with the person bringing the child as well as would totally understand them staying. I would never leave my child in the new home either; most parents I met are the same.

Am surprised by the answers on this thread. I would assume the invitation is for the kid and not mind which parent joined them. Have had mums and dads over here. Hadn’t even occurred to me that anyone would mind. But I am in an area where dads parent their kids….