To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

[Zscalent]

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

I think your situation involves a lot of different questions with different answers. I did vote YABU purely because the ultimate question of was it rude to me is no but I don’t think that quite captures what happened.

Firstly, is it rude for the mum not to message you herself - I would say slightly but not really. I can imagine several mums I know who wouldn’t think/have time to do this - they may just think it doesn’t really matter and just assume as it’s a play date it’s all fine.

It wasn’t a social occasion just for you two, although of course that would have been an added bonus for you both to chat as well and was clearly part of your invite. But it was probably just secondary in her mind to the play date and she wanted that to go ahead as planned even if she couldn’t make it.

Secondly, is it unreasonable to feel put out at a stranger arriving (putting aside your trauma for a second) - no, I would find this unbearable from a social point of view to expect to host someone I didn’t know for such a long time. It would make me incredibly awkward. What the hell do you talk to someone you don’t know about for that length of time?! I’d just have to put the TV on and leave them to it or make up some emergency to get him out. If he was going to stay then cut it down to 45 minutes not 2 hours!!

But most importantly is it reasonable for you to feel the way you do about this - absolutely, as you have gone through the most hideous trauma and are doing your best. I am so impressed by how well you coped at I can’t even begin to imagine how scary it must have been. You don’t owe anyone an explanation - mumsnet can be cruel as people are emboldened by anonymity but you really did so well and it shows what a dedicated mother you are to power through like you did.

I think your instinct to move play dates out of the home is perfectly fair until or unless it’s someone you know and trust and who knows your feelings and who wouldn’t (no matter how innocently) put you in this situation.

No, not at all? I'm not calling Jane for coffee, I'm calling janes kid for a playdate. I expect a parent to turn up and stay during the playdate for a five year old. Very normal. Wouldn't mind if a dad or a mum. Unless I'm besties with the mum in which case I'm probably familiar with the family and husband and again wouldn't mind, would send my best wishes to Jane and make a cup of tea to the dad...

What does the parent do during a 'play date', read the paper, watch the children while drinking tea? Would the host parent be able to get on with things while the children play or be expected to entertain or chat with the other parent?

It was never done in my kid's time so I've no idea.

No, it's not, it's just that the playdates are as much for us as the children, I have found them really useful for making new friends!

Honestly YABVU I don't see what the problem is. He's also that girl's parent, he came to stay with his daughter make sure everythings ok.
He wasn't acting inappropriate or chatting you up. But it does seem like you and DD's friend's parents have different ideas of what a playdate is

I'm surprised you're getting such a hard time here @Zscalent .

I'm a Dad and I wouldn't dream of just going round to a woman's house without giving her a heads up and knowing I was welcome.

SIL was raped by an ex boyfriend a decade ago, and I've seen how much it still affects her to this day, but even before that I still knew that lots of women would be uncomfortable alone with a man they don't know well.

I don't think you are wrong to have expected a text and an opportunity to reschedule OP, and I think most people would text ahead in a situation like this, so don't feel you have to stop organising playdates.

Hopefully this guy at least picked up on your uncomfortableness and learnt something from this experience.

Surely it's school thing for both boys and girls to see mums and dads both doing childcare/school runs/play dates. Don't want them growing up to think this is just women's work!

A bit sexist really.
I can remember dads bringing their kids to toddlers and playgroup. No-one spoke to them. Mums never spoke to other dads in the school playground. Mum groups were like the mafia, if your face didn't fit it was no use trying to get into the group. Dads were definitely excluded. Some dads formed their own little groups. Grandparents were also excluded from the mum groups.
What happened to inclusion and equality? It is not present or demonstrated by the parents of today's children.
If you weren't happy sitting indoors with a strange man, and have difficulties talking to the opposite sex, you could have taken the kids for a walk to the local park or somewhere

They were both out of order, for not checking ahead of time, or offering to reorganise.
It's weird and pushy.

I think you should have been clear with him at the door that you don't know him and not comfortable inviting him in, that's not being rude. He would of then had to decide whether to leave, go for a walk or reorganise.

It's your home, your space, full stop

Dupe

The parents of your dd’s friend saw the play date invite as between the children with parents supervising so which parent attended was not important.

You obviously saw it very differently. It was a misunderstanding that’s all.

Try to use logic, you and your child were not alone with an unknown man. His child was there too. He was a father on a play date, other people knew he was there, he was not a stranger from the street that rocked up at your door.

If you cannot cope with men in this context in your home you should have politely offered for the child to remain alone or rearranged. They were not being unreasonable to not consider you might have complex MH issues, you need to set your own boundaries.

I don't think anyone was unreasonable here. How you felt was entirely reasonable given your experiences and how the other couple behaved was reasonable too.

I don't think DH would be totally comfortable if he arranged a playdate with another dad and the mum turned up. He'd only have done the park or softplay though. He's ASD and the idea of two hours' smalltalk in his house with a stranger would be intimidating.

Agreed, bit weird. She deserved a heads up and there's no way my DH would sit in a strange womans house for 2 hours just so the children could play.. no way, go out to soft play, or reschedule.