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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

288 replies

Zscalent · 01/12/2025 16:56

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

OP posts:
waterrat · 01/12/2025 17:17

Yes I agree with you OP - and at 5 the child could have stayed without him.

That is tricky though as some people wouldn't have minded. I personally wouldn't have minded - but I think I would have checked if I was her.

MushMonster · 01/12/2025 17:18

It was ok, the girls had a good time and he was ok. It is your past haunting you, not this couple. Sorry you had a tough time in the past.
I think they were nice not to disappoint the girls. I bet theirs was as excited as yours and it would have been a pity to drop the playdate due to her mother being ill.
I would have texted you giving you the heads up, that is true. Maybe she was too ill to text?
It is fathers like this one who raise girls that take no shit when they grow up. I would not leave my child alone inside a house with someone I do not know, male or female. And I would and have put up with not so fun small talk for my child.
They could become very good friends of yours in future, who knows? So far, all was good. 2 hours of awkward chat, but happy girls, no one harmed.

sexlesshusbandwoes · 01/12/2025 17:19

Loving the responses on here telling OP she is unreasonable for wanting a strange man in their house for two hours when most of them would be too scared to answer the door to a man!

TwoTuesday · 01/12/2025 17:23

He should have dropped her off really. It would be awkward if you were expecting the mum, but on the plus side you now know he's lovely and it won't be an issue if it happens again? They probably did not want to disappoint the children by cancelling.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 01/12/2025 17:27

I'm really sorry for the previous experiences you've been through. I don't think it would have occurred to me to give a heads up that it would be DH not me if it was someone I didn't know well anyway. If it were a friend expecting to see me I would, but someone who didn't know either of us well I'd have thought it made no difference. Having read your post, and how upsetting this was for you, I think I now would check in advance, but I don't think that the couple were at all intentionally or even knowingly rude - like me, it probably didn't occur to them.

Bobiverse · 01/12/2025 17:28

I’m a single mum. Had plenty of play dates at my house. Usually it’s a mum who shows up, but several dads have too. I don’t care. I’ve had plenty of coffees with the dads while the kids play, and became quite good friends with 2 of them, just like I’ve had plenty coffees with the mums and become quite good friends with a few of them.

It wouldn’t occur to me to be bothered if a dad turned up instead of a mum.

Bobiverse · 01/12/2025 17:28

sexlesshusbandwoes · 01/12/2025 17:19

Loving the responses on here telling OP she is unreasonable for wanting a strange man in their house for two hours when most of them would be too scared to answer the door to a man!

Who is too scared to answer their door? 🫤

Engelah · 01/12/2025 17:30

If I was mum I would have sent you a text but I wouldn’t have offered to reschedule. I’m ill. It’s a kid thing. Dad is her parent and can handle it without me (mum) needing to step in and it having to be another thing to organise when I am well.

That said- I get your reasons for wanting to cancel and would have no issue with you not wanting to be alone with a stranger.

I just wouldn’t want to add ‘rearranged play date’ to my to-do list of mum admin if dad was happy to take her.

She should have sent a text rather than putting you in that position for sure.

Swissmeringue · 01/12/2025 17:31

The playdate is for the kids. It wouldn't have occurred to me that it would matter which parent brought them. It wouldn't have hurt to give you a heads up but I think for most people this would have been a non issue and it's unreasonable to not expect dads to be equally involved in taking their kids to places.

Owlmoonstar · 01/12/2025 17:32

Anyone saying this is okay is absolutely mad.

Why on earth did the mum not give you the heads up!? It's just common courtesy.

So simple. She invited the MUM and the child. End of.

Hons123 · 01/12/2025 17:33

When we did playdates, there is no way I would entertain a mum or a dad, sorry. You don't trust us? No playdate. Simple as that. Parents dropped off their child and we did the same and picked them up in 2 hours. Yes, it is supremely uncomfortable to find something useful you could do in the two hours, but here it is, we just walked in the park/local Asda, etc. Naturally, we did not do playdates with the family whose parents we thought were even a bit off.

Bournetilly · 01/12/2025 17:35

I wouldn’t like this. She should have messaged to check if it was OK, if it was me I definitely wouldn’t mind you cancelling/ asking to rearrange.

madeoftickytacky · 01/12/2025 17:35

Hons123 · 01/12/2025 17:33

When we did playdates, there is no way I would entertain a mum or a dad, sorry. You don't trust us? No playdate. Simple as that. Parents dropped off their child and we did the same and picked them up in 2 hours. Yes, it is supremely uncomfortable to find something useful you could do in the two hours, but here it is, we just walked in the park/local Asda, etc. Naturally, we did not do playdates with the family whose parents we thought were even a bit off.

Absolutely this! never EVER did I have a parent some and sit in my house for 2 hours. Can't think of anything worse.

LBFseBrom · 01/12/2025 17:36

Do parents stay at playdates now? That never happened when mine was a child (we didn't use the term 'playdate' either). We'd just arrange that the children would get together at one or others home and the parent who dropped off would have a bit of free time.

I'd have hated to have to sit and make small talk with someone I didn't know.

cheercaptain · 01/12/2025 17:36

I agree that the other mum should have given you a heads-up, but it sounds like the situation ended up feeling a bit awkward for everyone. When he arrived, asking whether he wanted to drop off and pick up later may have added to the confusion. It might have been easier to gently let him know what you were most comfortable with—whether that was a drop-off, heading to a nearby park, or even rescheduling if being alone made you uncomfortable.

applecrumblespider · 01/12/2025 17:37

I do the arrangements for DC playdates. Although friends parents generally know me and DH are interchangeable (he does more school runs / takes them to parties etc) if I've arranged kids coming over (drop off style) but I'm not going to be there then I have given people the heads up that it's just DH in charge (no-one has ever had a problem/rearranged). Particularly when it was DD and her female friends. I don't bother anymore now that the youngest are 10 and it's boys and everyone has been over many many times. But I think it's the same thing, a heads up that the situation might be different to what you expected and that you may be less comfortable with a man than a woman.

AgnesMcDoo · 01/12/2025 17:38

At age 5 I would expect to drop and go. I wouldn’t have expected either parent to stay. That’s weird.

Thechaseison71 · 01/12/2025 17:39

Sprogonthetyne · 01/12/2025 17:15

It would have been polite to let you know but I'd view the invite as being to the DC, with her adult +1, so it shouldn't really matter which parent brought her.

This Doesn't sound as though the OP actually knows the mum either so surely just as awkward making small chat.So glad mine didn't have these playdates where I was expected to stay and chat to a stranger or have one in my house

Hons123 · 01/12/2025 17:40

madeoftickytacky · 01/12/2025 17:35

Absolutely this! never EVER did I have a parent some and sit in my house for 2 hours. Can't think of anything worse.

Show quote history

Tbh, it was not by 'bright' idea. It was suggested to me by a dear friend, who told me 'never, ever have school mums cross the threshold of your flat, that way you will avoid being judged, gossiped about, maligned'. I am so grateful to her for that piece of advice.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 01/12/2025 17:43

They definitely should have let you know in advance.

ChilledBeez · 01/12/2025 17:44

Zscalent · 01/12/2025 16:56

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

I had a day planned for my children and a neighbour's child to go to an all day zoo outing. Without any message from her her husband turned up to take us in his car. I had never met him before. It was the most awkward day I have ever spent with anybody in my life.

londongirl12 · 01/12/2025 17:45

Even play dates with a mum I don’t know would of been hell 🤣

ComfortFoodCafe · 01/12/2025 17:46

I wouldn’t like this, it would completely put me off inviting their child for another playdate.

YankSplaining · 01/12/2025 17:46

I understand why this was triggering for you. If I were in the other mother’s situation, though, I’m not sure it would have occurred to me that it might make a difference to you which parent came with the child. I don’t think anyone was unreasonable.

ReplacementBusService · 01/12/2025 17:49

Sorry if I am wildly out of touch because my own kids are in their 20s. But WTF?? 5 years old can surely just come round to play. You can send the parent away?? No? Has the world wildly changed since the early 2000s (and millenia prior to then??)

So if say YABU because in my world you would express how sorry you were the wife was ill and wave the dad goodbye.

I genuinely need to understand this!