To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

[Zscalent]

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

I DGAF. My safety is more important than his feelings.

It's not the dad's fault and he's done nothing wrong. It would be bad to discourage men from being active fathers.

But YANBU to have expected notice from the mum that an unknown man would be appearing.

Read OP posts, she said she offered him to drop and go but he said he’d stay as his DD would prefer.

You invited the child, any guardian can show up as the chaperone. It honestly wouldn't even cross my mind to tell you what adult is coming because they were not the person you invited or expected. I have NEVER seen a play date with a specified adult invite or defined chaperone sex, its frankly a bit wired.

This man is bring his daughter that you personally invited to your house over to play with another child while his wife is sick. There's nothing remotely creepy, weird or out of line about it that requires pre-warning.

My FIL use to often go with my kids to play dates as he is much more socially outgoing than us (and seemingly know everyone family in town). I on the other hand frankly hate making curated safe small talk with other parents and my DH is a cripplingly shy and anxious introvert.

I understand your perspective.
My kids were uoung 20 years ago and i would have sent dh without a second thought, probably assuming everyone's life was similar to mine.

If I had young kids I would be more mindful these days.
To be honest, it's a bit weird ( imo) that he stayed. Ive never had a parent stay for a play date unless she was a close friend anyway.

I would have just said happy for him to drop her off if he likes and he could enjoy a couple hours to himself....maybe he felt he had to stay.

I fully understand why you would be uncomfortable, however it would be fine with me, and I think many other women. The important thing though is what you felt.

I think it was very rude and I think you wouldn't be alone thinking this.
You had made arrangements with her and she changed those arrangements to someone you didn't know, even if it was the childs father.
A quick text explaining and adking was it ok to go ahead, particularly as it was expected he would be in your home is basic manners.

I wouldn't be impressed.
If it was just dropping the child off, that is very different.

I do a lot of playdates with nursery/preschool mums and if I couldn't make it for whatever reason I would absolutely be rescheduling, rather than sending my husband. I think this is really weird x

She seems to have invited the child.

If his wife was suddenly taken ill with something potentially contagious, I think he should have texted you - not to announce his arrival, but to let you decide if you wanted to cancel due to the child potentially carrying a bug.

If the child was nervous being in other people's homes for the first time - I think that should have been raised when you were making the playdate with the mum. Lesson learned for next time - don't rely on the other parent(s) to bring it up, ask about it yourself.

If the wife was suddenly taken ill with something non-contagious - say nightmare IBS - I don't think anyone had any good options, TBH.

There might not have been time to get in touch without being hideously late, they might have not wanted to let down either/both child(ren)... the child might not ordinarily have been clingy, but extra needy due to her mum being sick and reacting to that...

I hope the girls at least had a good time.

I think you're obviously entitled to feel uncomfortable having a strange man in your house - no one has the right to dictate how you should respond to your trauma. But maybe it would be better for you to organise play dates away from the home until you get a point where you do know both parents and it does feel less awkward?

With my good friends, very occasionally a partner will come along as well (it's rarely to switch, but it does happen). One of the couple is my 'main' friend and the other one is my friend through association, but they're both friends, and no one on their side minds. The couples aren't joined at the hip, but there's also no reason to exclude them from something unless someone has explicitly organised a meet up to talk about something deeply personal.

I don't think many parents would think much of switching which parent was taking a child to a playdate - they would be be trying to make sure the child got to the playdate. So, to protect yourself from situations like this recurring, I do think you should host few things at home until/unless you feel more comfortable with the family.

PS I'm sorry some man in the past put you in the position where this is all even a consideration. You might feel like you're making a big deal out of something you shouldn't and/or some posters may say or imply that... but you've lived through something, and you shouldn't have to pretend you don't have those feelings while you have them. By organising playdates for your daughter, it's clear you're trying to make sure she has a nice sociable life, so it's very obvious you're doing what you can to make sure you're not passing on your trauma. You're doing great in looking after her needs. It's OK for you to have needs too.

I've had both mums and dads over for a playdate and it's normal? If someone would cancel a playdate because my child turned up with their dad instead of me, I'd think it was a bit weird and wouldn't go out of my way to reschedule. Dads are also active figures in kids" lives.

No it’s not. It’s also a good way to build friendships with other mothers

she should have texted before to offer either rearranging or husband dropping off

bloody rude!

The OP shouldn't feel like she has to explain something so personal.

However, if your child's dad knew why the OP was so cagey about any strange bloke being in her house, I'm sure if he was a good man, he'd understand and he'd try to find a workaround, like moving the playdate to a public venue or rearranging. I think any good bloke, on understanding the reasons here, would understand it wasn't the OP passing any kind of judgement on him, and I think he'd feel for her.

It's a bit like how some big scary looking blokes cross the street when they see us. They're actually lovely men, but they know they look scary in the dark to women who don't know them, and they're good enough to put those women's feelings above their own.

The nicest men know that some men are evil, and they look for ways to try to make the world a bit less awful for us, rather than getting upset that we don't trust them straight away due to the actions of other men.

He was rude. I wouldn’t want to be sat making small talk with a chap I’ve never met before when I was expecting a good natter with the mum that I know well! Obviously he couldn’t have known about your past trauma but I think most people would have had the awareness to realise it’s a social invite for the mum too and if she was unexpectedly sick and her DD isn’t ok being left then she really should have messaged to ask if you wanted to rearrange. In future I’d make sure you’re clear that the invite is for a drop off, I know sometimes tricky if you work FT but I find it easiest to invite for after school and specify ‘I’ll pick up from school and collect around 6ish’. It’ll avoid it happening again.

Who says the OP knows the mum well? I'm sure the first post said she spoke to her at the gate after the kids became friends

Agree it would have been nice to warn you in advance but personally I wouldn’t a mind in the least if a Dad turned up instead of a Mum. Christ there are plenty of Dads talked about on these boards thot don’t know which end of their kid is which, never mind taking them to a play date. Let’s not shoot down the ones that do engage.

Ah maybe she doesn’t know her that well but I still think it’s blimming obvious that if you invite her round with DD at the weekend you mean it as a grown up social thing too, for you and her to hang out and maybe forge a friendship, and that subbing out for Dad is just not what you do.

it’s not the same for everyone

I don’t see play dates, farm visits or child cinema morning meet ups as something social for me. Making friends with the mums literally isn’t on my radar right now.

(I’m not ‘too cool’ for mum friends, plenty of my friends are mums who I have happened click with at toddler groups over the years….life is just different from the baby days)

a rearranged play date where it is prescribed that I must escort the child may mean I can’t go to my exercise class or squeeze in some work or actually meet my friend for a late lunch. If I’m not working or caring for my smaller ones, my time is super precious. One person’s mum-natter is another one’s mum duty. And neither are wrong. Everyone is different with different priorities.

but differing views on this is why many of us would be a bit miffed about it having to be us, and it having to be rescheduled because we are mum. We don’t see ourselves as the guest, we are the escort.

but as I said in my pp I completely understand why OP was uncomfortable. If DH is doing a birthday party or escorting kids to a class- I always flag it up.

Im still shocked by the fact the husband turned up. My husband would sooner staple his balls together than go for tea at another parents house and make "mum small talk" 🤣

I wouldn’t have appreciated making small talk with either parent for two hours but I would assume the dad went so that his daughter wasn’t upset at missing out and perhaps he assumed there would be your DD’s dad to talk to.

Most parents of either sex don’t enjoy play dates but accept it for their child.

I think that was quite out of order and thoughtless of them.

This, I can see its for the children so it doesn't matter whether it's mum or dad really but there is the secondary experience of the parents and it would be polite to run it by the other parent first.

Um, ok. But like you said, we can't know the personal situations and past traumas of every person we meet? At our school, it's a pretty even split of mums and dads doing pickups etc, so if I was organising a plsydate, my thoughts would be around naking it work for the kids, and wouldn't really care ehich parent comes by.

My child has a friend with 2 dads- so there'd be no mum at all to organise things with, so it would be a shame if the child didn't get invited to things.

All I'm saying is that I think, past aside, that its a bit unreasonable