To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

[Zscalent]

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

So if you'd have been told in advance you would have suggested somewhere more public as it was the dad bringing her ? Do you realise how insulting to the dad that sounds ?

Really - this is your take away. Women’s trauma must be overlooked so men can feel good?????

OP, I get you. Your feelings are valid. He should have accepted your offer to have the child alone, even if he went to a local coffee shop.

Did the Dad think it was a playdate for him too?

I have a different opinion, my view is the play date is for the kids, I’d not in a million years think it was about me and you, so it would be fine for either parent to attend as it was a play date for the kids.

i do think you need to make it clear in future, many women work, or have other things going on and many fathers are equal parents, so they’d not even have it flash through their mind a father can’t take their child to a play date.

But she didn’t say why, he probably thought he was doing rhe best thing for his daughter and the op, as she could have played up. He wasn’t to know the op only accepts mothers on play dates.

This is actually how my husband met him best mate in a round about way.
I invited girl over to play after chatting with her mum at a gathering where our kids ended up playing.
Dad turned up on play date ( his daughter was 8 but in fairness they didn't really know us at that time and she came alone after that), anyway i digress, I was a bit taken aback as bit of an introvert and not a fan of new people but he was nice, I ended up in the long run getting on better with him than his wife, we ended up friends and I introduced him to my husband and they got along great and are now very good friends.

I think I would have messaged to say it's DH coming round not me, and I would have understood if the lone female had wanted to rearrange.

My DH would have gone for the sake of our DS, but would also have been happy to rearrange as he would not particularly want to be on his own with a lone female he didn't know.

I see your point, I think some people are more laid back about these things, and the mum probably didn't think anything of it. It's the sort of thing I can imagine some of my friends doing.

In another five years it'll be sleepovers, and I always like to suss out the dad (and brothers) before agreeing to a sleepover. At least you've met the dad before the sleepover invite arrives!

I absolutely get why you were uncomfortable, but as someone who has never experienced trauma, it would have never occurred to me you'd be uncomfortable. I don't think you were wrong to be uncomfortable, but I also don't think you can blame a man whose not going to harm you and is as much a parent to his kid as you are to yours, for not thinking you might be uncomfortable with him there.

Yes you should have been given a heads up - maybe they felt really rude to rearrange on the first time you’d got together? And obviously they’re not to know your circumstances.

I think sometimes people in loving/happy relationships or marriages just don’t think the same way as single parents about things life safety? As to them their OH is that for them if that makes sense?

I doubt it was with any ill intentions but definitely should have communicated with you

Agree.

OP
Did you mention that he could leave and return later to pick up the child? He might have assumed it was a drop-off, but since you invited him in or didn’t make it clear, he stayed awkwardly. I don’t get the fear of men; you’re fine with this man’s daughter, who’s being raised by him and his wife, and I hope neither of them shares personal details with people they don’t know well, as that can easily backfire these days. Still, the person you arranged the playdate with should have texted to confirm if a drop-off was fine or to reschedule if needed.

Oh my goodness how awkward for you! I’d have hated this. They definitely should have told you the score so that you could decide what was best for you.

It isn't just safety though is it? Who wants to spend 2 hours talking to some random dad. I thought the point of play dates when at school was for the children to entertain themselves with some supervision not for the host parent to have to make awkward conversation for 2 hours.

Things have clearly changed in the last 10 years since I hosted play dates for 5 year olds.

The mum should've messaged, that's just common courtesy. And I must admit making small talk for 2 solid hours to a bloke I hadn't met before would be pretty awkward. But I think you need to work on your issues. You can't be afraid for the rest of your life to be alone with a man. What would you do if you needed a plumber or electrician and they happened to be male?

As someone who also has trauma - we can't expect people to mindread the problem. There are so many potential actions that might be triggering, we can't expect society to automatically avoid them all.

Having said that, you are not unreasonable to find this hard. I think it's a good idea to brainstorm how you might prevent similar issues in future - is there anything you could do to make it feel more comfortable having a man in your home? If not, you might need to warn other parents beforehand, though I appreciate that is awkward.

Are you getting treatment for the trauma? The right treatment really can make a huge difference.

I assume you’ve never been assaulted or sexually assualted by a man then. Your ignorance of the trauma caused is obvious by your flippant attitude.

At just aged 5, it’s very common to stay I would think. More common than not.

Yes me too. I would have always checked first.

Maybe the other mum doesn't like doing playdates. And so send hubby out. I mean they can be insufferably boring and having to make small talk with other mums is a drag.

No, fortunately I haven't. But the question was would it bother me. And it wouldn't.

I think YABU. It was for the DC, not a mums meet up.
Does the mum know you're single? My DH has took our DC to play dates, none with a single mum that I recall but it wouldn't have been an issue for us if one of us ended up alone with another parent of the opposite sex.

Rather than focus on the negative, think of it as a positive learning experience. He was a nice guy, he was clearly thinking of his daughter. You survived it albeit somewhat uncomfortably, but next time it will be easier. Slowly you will learn to trust again

I don't think someone who has what sounds like ptsd can just "suck it up". They should have told her it would be the dad instead of the mum.

Of course things have changed. Safeguarding and being aware of young children being at risk has become much more of an issue, rightly so.

I have 3 friends who were “interfered with” by males in households when they went for sleepovers (aged 7, 10 and 13 respectively) and now would never allow their child (male or female) to a sleepover. And these are just the friends I am close enough to, to have discussed such matters.

Play dates and sleepovers are obviously a bit different but you are still putting your child in the care of other adults for that time.

I feel like I’m in a parallel universe. I’d be deeply unsettled if a dad I’d never met insisted on staying for two hours. Having someone in your home is completely different to a soft play or park MeetUp. It’s not about whether you’ve had chatty coffees with dads in the past; it’s whether you think it’s actually okay to send an unknown (to her) man into a single woman’s house with no forewarning.