To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

[Zscalent]

I am a single mum and have a 5 year old DD, she has made friends with another little girl in her class. My daughter was begging me since the start of September to organise a playdate so I got talking to the mum at the school gates last week and invited her and her daughter over to ours for a playdate on Saturday.
Saturday afternoon the child turned up at my door with her dad who explained that his wife was unwell. I felt wildly uncomfortable sitting there with a strange man in my house (I had literally never met him before). He was a nice man, but due to a previous trauma I generally try to not be alone with men especially behind closed doors and I found the 2 hours to be unbearably awkward and triggering.
Of course this family wouldn't know that about me and there was certainly no ill intent from them. The kids had a great time so I guess that's all that mattered but I just feel like if the mum couldn't make it to the playdate the right thing to do would be to give me a heads up that her husband was attending instead (in which case I could have suggested rescheduling or moving the location to a soft play or somewhere more private).
Aibu?

Same, mothers complain constantly they want men to step up and get involved so they help out and now that is an issue

The mum should have just said that she was poorly and to ask if ok if her hubby goes around - least then you would've had the option to rearrange another playdate or suggest going out somewhere. I'd have hated having a stranger in my home, male or female for 2 hours. Ug, 2 hours of polite chitchat.

What if the situation were reversed? Imagine your husband answering the door to her, a man she’s never met, and then inviting her in to stay for two hours. Do you think she’d be comfortable with that, or would she just decide to drop off her daughter and leave? It really just comes down to basic communication. She absolutely should have given you the heads-up.

I probably would've messaged, but just out of general politeness. Presumably, she has been fortunate not to have experienced the same kind of trauma, so that wider context of feeling uneasy with a man you don't know just didn't occur to her. I guess she thought because he was with their child, it wouldn't be uncomfortable - but of course, the reality of a playdate is usually that the kids disappear and you're on your own making small talk with the parent. I'm sorry, OP - 💐

Can't really think of a way to prevent this in the future... Except perhaps a pre-emptive text on the morning of any playdate confirming arrangements - maybe asking specifically if "Name of child" or "Name of Mum" have any food allergies or dietary requirements as you're getting some snacks in - that should prompt anyone planning to send their partner in their place to say so?

No way i’d have sent my ex partner over instead without messaging to let the mum know. Like in this situation, there may be reasons why the person may be uncomfortable.

YANBU
The play date was as much for the two mums to get together as the kids.
She should have texted or called to say she was ill and to rearrange. The fact that she didn’t tells me she’s a bit odd - I wouldn’t bother with her again. The kids can play at school.

Can't speak for anyone else's husband but I presume my husband could cope without them shagging for 2 hours, they could chat like 2 civilised human beings

But if i couldn't drop and run i wouldnt accept a play date for me is for the children not the adults regardless of the sex of the parents, and if we invite children around it is for the children

What if your marriage is already on the rocks and going through a tender patch… husbands already paranoid. Comes home to find you with another man in his house. You already feel awkward about the situation, but that makes you appear even more shifty as you try and explain the situation. Husband could be abusive and it could send him over the edge. ☕️

What a bizarrely isolationist attitude to life. ‘School mums’ are not a breed of alien, they’re women probably much like yourself. I’ve made great friends via the school gates and we often socialise now without the kids.

I have had this and it's completely unacceptable.

They're breaching the terms of the contract!

It’s definitely not appropriate for a man to turn up when you are expecting a woman. I’m sorry you were put in that situation.

My abusive ex would have gone nuts if I’d spent time alone with a man, but I would have had no way of explaining that to the dad.

Leaving your child in school with DBS checked teachers in a group setting is absolutely not the same as dropping them to a random person’s house you’ve chatted to for a few minutes at the school gate. How do you know the house is safe? That the person minding them is a capable parent? That there isn’t an older sibling/grandparent in the house who could be abusive? Having worked with children who have been abused I’m definitely more cautious than other parents but leaving a three year old with someone you don’t know is concerning.

I’d hate having to entertain a strange man just as much as I’d hate having to entertain a strange woman, but then again I don’t like people much in general

Mumsnet: omg, my husband never does anything, he never cares for the kids or takes them anywhere, shall I get a divorce?

Also Mumsnet: omg I would never let my husband take my kids to a play date if I were ill, heaven forfend! I'd rather cancel instead.

Also Mumsnet: dear god, a father (who is an equal parent) has brought his child on a to a play date. He must be a deviant. Should I slam the door in his face?

🙄

I am so sorry that this was triggering for you, OP. I would have found it difficult too, for similar reasons.

To those PPs who suggested that perhaps the Dad was expecting to drop his DD and collect later, OP clearly says that she offered that and the Dad requested to stay for his DD's comfort.

A lot of PPs have said that it wouldn't bother them but given how many of us have been on the recieving end of SA at the hands of men, I think it's only fair and reasonable to go with the assumption that this could be a problem and let the OP know in advance so that she can reschedule if she prefers.

Well done for coping. Think of it as a positive milestone.

I honestly dispair at the world that someone would even think this way. It's the child's father - an equal parent. Men get such assumptions made about them . Honestly, what the hell do you expect to happen that wouldn't happen with the mother there.

Agree, and it's becoming more common for dads to be involved in this, even in the last couple of years since Covid, probably because more people wfh or have flexible working. There seem to be more single dads too. With my first, at groups it was rare to see many men, now it's not.
I would always discuss with the other parent what the plans were though, as in if I had a child who needed me to stay for whatever reason, I'd say first. I'd want it clear, because sometimes people you don't know expect you to babysit for free, and especially when they're young, if you don't know the child, there can be issues.

I think it is different though. Having a strange man in your home is very different to a mum you see most days (and is female).

I don’t want to spell it out as the OP has already mentioned trauma - but I’m sure you can figure it out.

That’s really not the point though is it?

The child had to be accompanied by her father because they were strangers and the child might be a little unsure. The same applies to women around men they don’t know rocking up at the door expecting to be hosted in their home alone for a couple of hours.

The instinct for women to feel nervous around men they don’t know, and therefore can’t trust, is very powerful for good reason. We shouldn’t be gaslighting women (or our daughters) to ignore it.

YANBU op. I’d be fuming that the other mother put you in that position.

Totally agree. I was on another thread about this a while ago. A party one I think. There was only a couple of us that wouldn’t allow a 4 year old to a strange (strange as in new/not been to and don’t know the family/house) house. I think due to jobs and various situations some of us are more cautious. It also depends on the child.

but I stick by my guns and say I wouldn’t send my 4yo to a home I’d never been to and with a family I’m not aware of.

but anyway - back to the thread. OP, as I said, I’d find that hard and would prefer a female. But regardless of what we think, it’s how it made you feel. If I was the unwell mum I’d have let you know and perhaps asked whether it’s ok, re schedule or meet somewhere else.

I’d never expect a parent I didn’t really know to stay at a play date in my home anyway (mum or dad). I’ve always assumed a house play date is a drop off situation and also wouldn’t want to go and sit in someone else’s house particularly making small talk for two hours. Public places like parks or soft plays I would usually expect both kids to have a parent unless arranged in advance, but I have never sat around in another kids house or had anyone’s parents sitting around in mine, except for my actual friends.

It's about her. It's her house, and she was very uncomfortable. Lots of us would be

She was unwell and it was a social event for the kids… not for you. It’s no wonder women end up chained to the majority of the child rearing when blokes can’t even take their kids to play dates for fear of the women being afraid. What do single dads do?

I think this is very rude. He basically turned up un-invited to be entertained for two hours. The invite was for both the child and the mum - not inter-changeable with any random adult!