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Original poster

Son won't help me post surgery

524 replies

Silentlysinging · 01/12/2025 16:28

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 01/12/2025 16:31

Tricky one. Most 21 year old men are going to be utterly oblivious to what you're going through. And at that age they mainly want to please themselves and are generally quite selfish. He also probably has no idea what you do day to day to keep the house running and look after your DD.

And kindly he's not your mum or your partner...it is nice if our kids want to help us out or look after us but its not a requirement or obligation...just a bonus .

I hope your op goes well and you manage to find a way through it all.

schoolfriend · 01/12/2025 16:32

Sorry you have been going through this OP - hopefully the operation will bring you some relief.

I think you just need to ask him; if you have always struggled it's possible that he just hasn't given it much thought. Whilst you might be understandably disappointed about that, I think you should give him the opportunity to step up by explaining that you need some help. Young adults (and oder adults!) can sometimes be thoughtless but it doesn't mean they din't care.

BuddhaAtSea · 01/12/2025 16:36

So did you tell him: mate, I need you home Mon-Fri to help with your sister and keep on eye on me? Because that’s what I do with my DD if I need her.

Peridot1 · 01/12/2025 16:37

You need to ask him. He probably just hasn’t even thought of the logistics and the level of help you will need.

PauliesWalnuts · 01/12/2025 16:40

I'm not taking his side at all, but he's not a mind-reader. If you need his help at home then you need to ask him outright.

Octavia64 · 01/12/2025 16:40

You can’t expect him to be aware if you haven’t said.

at 10 could your dd get herself to school? Walk, bike, bus?

Original poster
Silentlysinging · 01/12/2025 16:41

I did tell him that I will be off my feet for a couple of weeks after and I'm concerned about that, as I don't have anyone around to help. He just said it sounds awful and hopefully the hospital will send help. I did say that they won't help with your sister getting too and from school and he just replied 'oh yeah. I'm sure you'll be ok mum.' I haven't asked him as I'm aware I am the parent however, I nursed my grandmother at home until she passed who had cancer, as well as always running round after my parents when we were in contact, so it's not as though he's grown up in an environment where people don't help others.

OP posts:
PullingOutHair123 · 01/12/2025 16:41

To echo others, he wont have a clue!

Ask. He may still say no, but he almost certainly won't suddenly decide to offer - his head will be full of his own life.

PullingOutHair123 · 01/12/2025 16:42

Silentlysinging · 01/12/2025 16:41

I did tell him that I will be off my feet for a couple of weeks after and I'm concerned about that, as I don't have anyone around to help. He just said it sounds awful and hopefully the hospital will send help. I did say that they won't help with your sister getting too and from school and he just replied 'oh yeah. I'm sure you'll be ok mum.' I haven't asked him as I'm aware I am the parent however, I nursed my grandmother at home until she passed who had cancer, as well as always running round after my parents when we were in contact, so it's not as though he's grown up in an environment where people don't help others.

Then ask him out right. Can you come home for a few days to help me please. Be direct!

Hedgehog23 · 01/12/2025 16:43

Can you ask some of your daughter’s school friends’ parents to help?

EddyNeddy · 01/12/2025 16:43

Are you expecting him to miss lectures and classes for this? I don’t think that’s fair.

Onemorestepalongtheroad · 01/12/2025 16:43

Have you actually asked him?
to be honest if the worse come to the worse then keep your DD off school for a week or two. Explain to school that you physically won’t be able to get her there. Who will be looking after her whilst you are in hospital.

DelphiniumBlue · 01/12/2025 16:44

If you’d asked him and he’d said no, that would be pretty awful. However it sounds as if you haven’t asked him. He can’t be expected to know what you need. Just tell him you need his help to do xyz and so can he please come back for a week to assist.
Meanwhile, think about other options. Ex might be abroad but you could tell him he will need to look after DD whilst you are having an op. If he can’t come here, can you send DD there for a few weeks?
Can you ask DDs school friends parents, or maybe put something on the class WhatsApp? I’m sure lots of people would happily take DD along with their own kids, as they will be doing drop offs and pick ups anyway. Maybe you could look for a local teenager babysitter to do the school run? If your DD is 10, most people would consider that old enough to do take herself to and from school. If your DD were to practice that now, maybe that would be a solution?

EddyNeddy · 01/12/2025 16:44

Does your daughter not have friends whose parents could pick her up en route?

Original poster
Silentlysinging · 01/12/2025 16:44

I don't want to ask him because he wasn't very good with me asking for help when I came out of hospital a couple of years ago. He stayed in bed all day with a headache the day after I got out, as I was supposed to be on bed rest. Instead I came home to a pigsty and he had no food in the house or clothes to wear.
DD has only just turned 10 and it's too far for her to go alone.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 01/12/2025 16:44

Have you actually asked him to come home and help you? He will have no idea what a hysterectomy entails and what help you might need.

TheChosenTwo · 01/12/2025 16:45

Have you missed the bit where you’ve actually asked him and he said he won’t help you?
Im so sorry you’ve suffered so badly and for so long, if you were a friend of mine I’d not hesitate to put myself forward and volunteer my help because I also suffer in a similar way and it’s utterly miserable. I’m also a ‘helper’ by nature and want to make people’s lives easier where I can.
But your son isn’t a mind reader. You could ask him to at least come home on the days he doesn’t have lessons to help out with his sister.
Another avenue for support might be the school itself, some have family support workers (or at least a couple I’ve worked at have) who would pick up children who for various reasons would be unable to attend school otherwise. Or put out a message on the class WhatsApp or message a parent of one of her friends to ask if they might be able to help for a day or two.
Basically reach out for support wherever you can find it.

Onemorestepalongtheroad · 01/12/2025 16:46

Just tell him “I know it’s not ideal but I’m going to need some help”.
Frankly I’d be pretty disgusted with him if he can’t agree to some form of help on his free days.

Peridot1 · 01/12/2025 16:46

You need to ask him. He is older now than he was last time.

And also ask some of your DD’s friends parents or your friends. I have helped ypeople I didn’t know very well at similar times. And also been helped.

Glamba · 01/12/2025 16:46

Ask him anyway - but only for days when he doesn't have lectures.

Ask nicely, once. No mind games.

IsitaHatOrACat · 01/12/2025 16:49

If you really have no one to offer help in you're area:

Contact school/council and ask if they can provide transport as you will be incapacitated.
Contact adult social care in your area and ask how they can support you both while you're recovering.
If nothing is available you will have to pay for whatever help you need. You'll need a cleaner at least as you can't lift or move heavy things post op

Look on turn2 us website for grants for women in need if you need financial help or this.

InlandTaipan · 01/12/2025 16:49

You brought him up yet you won't ask him to help because you fear he wouldn't be any good at it? What's going on? And why can't you ask your friends (obviously they have their own children and jobs but that's hardly a reason)?

Overthebow · 01/12/2025 16:49

Silentlysinging · 01/12/2025 16:44

I don't want to ask him because he wasn't very good with me asking for help when I came out of hospital a couple of years ago. He stayed in bed all day with a headache the day after I got out, as I was supposed to be on bed rest. Instead I came home to a pigsty and he had no food in the house or clothes to wear.
DD has only just turned 10 and it's too far for her to go alone.

You're going to have to ask him if you won't be able to take your dd to school or help her. She's 10 so can't be left without a parent able to help her for 2 weeks. Who'se having her whilst you're in hospital? You need a plan for if you have to stay in longer, and also is it possible for whoever is having her to have her a little longer to let you recover more?

Iocanepowder · 01/12/2025 16:49

Sorry op you have no leg to stand on if you don’t actually ask him very clearly for help and it make it very clear what your situation will be.

I took time off work in my early 20s to help my mum through surgery but my work but I was lucky they let me have the time off.

Would he also need time off uni?

I would also ask your friends if they could help in the event your DS can’t. My friend dropped me off for my op last year.

Applesinapie · 01/12/2025 16:50

Do you drive your dd to school? Is a hysterectomy a similar recovery to a c section? If so, you might be ok at home with a ten year old if you buy in some ready meals and maybe pay for a one off cleaner so you don’t need to hoover. If it’s just the getting dd to and from school then can you ask other school mums? I’ve only had a c section so can only compare it to that but you’re not really off your feet the whole recovery time; they recommend you’re on your feet to recover. But obviously you can’t walk far distances every day. Do you want him to miss uni to help or just come on his days off? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for some help but I think you need to directly ask for it- sounds like you’re just hinting right now instead of just saying you need him to help.

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