Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

The days of a week or a fortnight in hospital after a hysterectomy are long over, barring complications. I picked up a friend after her laparoscopic hysterectomy last month — she was discharged the same day. Abdominal is obviously far more invasive, but even then, you’re usually talking three days or so.

Even if it means he fails the term and therefore the entire year of Uni?

he is a full time university student who isn’t local.

OP is parentifying her child. He should not be responsible for his mum or his sister.

You shouldn't be asking him to miss his lectures. That's really not fair and putting pressure on him.

Although this is meant kind I don’t think it’s advisable for the OP to arrange a lift to school for a 10 year old girl from a stranger on Mumsnet. It could be anyone.

Please ask him direct and give him a clear list of what you will need him to do and when. Yes he should offer, you shouldn’t have to drop hints but he’s 21 and probably clueless. I’m afraid I was at that age too! If he actively refuses that’s a different matter but you need to try the direct approach before writing it off.

This! I would definitely step up if one of my neighbours needed help in this kind of situation. Do you have a school or local area Facebook page you could reach out for advice or help on. I know it probably feels so embarrassing to have to do this but ithink you’d be surprised how many people will offer to help.

I would ask school. Our primary has a mini bus that pick up kids every morning and would certainly help out. The head and deputy head also picked up and dropped off a child with a broken leg for a couple of weeks once as well.

"I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous". You could have written this about me and I am sure about so many MN posters.
It hurts to think about it, so please don't think about it. You will be fine. You will find the recovery period a lot easier than you imagined - seriously. Just no straining, no lifting, and beg for some antibiotics on discharge, just in case, explain to them that you will not take even one, it is just to prevent you having to go to your GP, etc. No cooking, no cleaning, no nothing, basically - just explain it to your daughter, she will understand and she will be fine with toast and baked beans or whatever for a week or so.

my DS at Uni would come home in a heartbeat if he knew I was in the same situation as you. No one is going to fail a whole year due to missing a fee lectures and most are now recorded to be watched online.
OP please don’t cancel your op. Your DS is not a child. How did he think you were going to manage? Yes it’s his problem as he comes home during holidays etc and doesn’t have his own separate life yet. Even if he did how shameful of him not to want to help. He is the selfish one OP, not you!

When your son sees how much potential pain and discomfort you are in postop, he may well change his mind and agree to stay with you for a few days. I would hope so anyway.

Don’t be such a martyr no one is giving you hate.

Surely one of the teachers could swing by to pick up your daughter for a few days. There has to be someone passing nearby.

Ignore the trolls OP, there are always a couple of them in every thread.

I’d explore all options before postponing the surgery: the hospital may be able to suggest a local charity that provides support in these situations, and the school. Talk to the parents of your DD friends and see if they may help. Your aunt could stay with you for a couple of days maybe? Consider booking taxis. Finally the school may give your daughter permission to stay at home and do homework for a week or so. Good luck and don’t hold it against your son.

If I was in this situation, I would hope that my ds would offer to help out for a few days . I wouldn't expect him to miss lectures, but there are five days a week where he doesn't have any. Surely it's possible to remain committed to his course and also offer some support for a short term problem.
Id think differently if a long term 'carer' commitment was expected from him. But that's not the case here.
Not being allowed to walk home from school at aged 10 is quite unusual. I'd have addressed this with school before now as I don't understand why they would have this policy.

You need to ask him directly if he can come home to get your other child to and from school and help a bit at your home. I kind of expect that if someone needs my help, they'll ask and not wait around for me to offer. I'll assume if someone doesn't ask that they'll have it covered.

If he says no, ask one of your DD's friends parents if they'd be willing to take DD to school and pick her up or ask a friend.

So you don’t actually want his help?

OP, the thing about children, even adult children, and probably especially adult children if we’re honest, is that they’re so used to their parents doing things for them that it simply doesn’t occur to them that it might have to happen the other way around.

And if you’re the kind of parent who has always done stuff for your kids, then you are literally going to have to ask him to help, because he just doesn’t think that you need it, because you’re always the one who does things. Iyswim?

My DC is a similar age. Earlier this year I had a heart transplant. For the first three weeks I stayed with my parents, but then I went home. While I was in hospital (four months in total) my DC was at home looking after my animals etc, but they already live there. But when I came home they had to realise that there were things they had to help me with. After three weeks I was in a position where I at least was doing most things for myself, but there are lots of things you absolutely can’t do with a chest wound, eg. I couldn’t lift anything heavier than a kettle, couldn’t bend down to the oven, couldn’t pour boiling water because the side effects of some of the drugs are shakes etc.

But they’ve been so used to the fact that I’ve always done everything, even when I was really really sick, that if I needed help I had to ask for it. They didn’t refuse to help, but they didn’t automatically offer it. They did, on occasion see that I was struggling and offer, because I am independent I tend to err on the side of try to do it myself first and then discover that I can’t.

He’s not selfish for not offering. But you need to ask. If he then says no, then I would consider him to be selfish.

Yeah maybe it if were October, but missing Uni in December is a recipe for disaster.

I am glad he has agreed to help on the day of the surgery OP, but I have a relative who doesn't just ask and sort of hints in a woe is me sort of way and it is really draining and grating. If you just ask directly, you tend to get better answers.

"DS I can't wait any longer for this surgery, is there any way you can be home for a week to help take and pick up your sister from school? I would be so grateful"

Sorry you are going through this.

In all honesty though I would not expect your son to understand. He's 21, he can't possibly fathom your current experience and challenges of having a long term health condition or being a parent with no support.

At the end of the day you are his mum, he's not long out of childhood and you've obviously shown him how strong capable you are by carrying on through all of this and as a result he probably doesn't see you as needing his help. It shows you have been a good parent because really where possible, children shouldn't have to help and support their parents beyond a superficial level.

Having said that, he is entering adulthood and it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him for some help for a week or two when you have no one else to rely on right now.

Other than that, I'm not sure if it is an option but could you pay for a temporary carer to help you?

@wecouldberightforeachother

I know right! Frankly she needs to stop being selfish and just put off having the operation for a few more years or maybe just not bother at all because then there is no risk of her son being inconvenienced at all then is there? she’ll survive - so long as she can keep bringing money into the household and keep doing all the housework that’s all that really matters isn’t it

🙄

Good grief you poor woman, almost all lectures are streamed these days so they don’t even have to drag themselves on to campus. If he has labs depending on his degree then he would have to attend but even then he could speak to his personal tutor.

I have no idea why people are giving you such a hard time. Do not postpone the surgery. I mean I’m retired and if you lived near enough could help but no one is going to take an offer from a random stranger as it’s a big risk.

There is however a volunteers bureau in my town and they do stuff like shopping for people. I volunteered with them years ago and went and visited some people with disabilities. We all had to have a criminal records check and references.

Lay it on thick: Hysterectomy is a very serious operation. It's not risk free.
Then take him through Power of Attorney form. Show him your will.

Tell him you're an adult now, I need you step up and stay at home for at least a week with your sister. There's no one else. This is your duty and you need to do this for your family. I know you'd rather not but you're perfectly capable and we do have to do things we'd rather not. That's part of what being an adult is.

I’m not trying to be dramatic but I was supposed to have my hysterectomy under keyhole surgery, even then I wasn’t getting out the same day, but there was a complication while I was on the operating table and I needed a full abdominal scar and was in hospital for 4 days. I don’t think 1 day of help is going to be enough.

@SpiritAdder

have you actually done a degree?? no one is gonna fail a degree because they miss a couple of lectures! He only has two days in uni a week. He can catch up easily.