Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

How bloody selfish, after all his mum has done for him.
Its time people changed.
Its the least he could do for his mum.

I've just bit the bullet and asked him. He said he knew this was coming and doesn't want to miss his lectures but had agreed to come and have DD on the day of my operation which is something. That is fair enough and the feeling I had gotten already.

I can't send my DD abroad to her dad because he doesn't have a job that facilitates children.

I shall ask the school and see if they can help. Part of me wishes I had a mum who would help however, that's not an option. I do have an aunty but she's in her 70s and not too well herself.

I've honestly put it off as long as I can but I've had so many transfusions, tablets, my hair falls out regularly and I am so exhausted with working full time I just can't put it off any longer, despite how guilty I feel on the kids.

Thanks all for your advice.

How far away is your daughter's school, could she walk there herself or with friends? 10 is old enough to be doing that I think. Where do her friends live? I would have been happy to do drop offs/pick ups to help out one of my kids' friends, especially if I knew it was for a short, well defined time. You don't need to do this on your own, it is OK to ask for help!

I think you’re going to have to ask him very directly and clearly. He thought the hospital was going to send help which is obviously not going to happen - so he seems completely out of his depth. I think you’ve got to spell it out and set out what you need him to do. Then if he refuses you know where you stand.

EDIT
Just seen the update - well done for asking. I hope all goes well with your operation.

I'd explain the situation to the school and say that she will have to be off because you can't manage to get her there as you don't have any support. And if she does miss 2 weeks of school, whatever the advice says, she'll be fine.

Who is looking after your daughter while you are in hospital? I presume you aren't going home the same day but even if you are, I think you will need someone with you for a min of 24 hours. You also need a contingency in case you need to stay in longer than planned.

Couldn't you ask some of your daughters friends mums to walk her to and from school for a couple of weeks? It's not like she needs much looking after if she's 10. Is there anyone nearby you can ask?

In terms of other stuff, make some meals for the freezer before hand and make sure you have stuff in. Get on top of the washing/cleaning before hand.

Your son is older now than he was 2 years ago. If you left him to his own devices at 17 while you were in hospital, he might have found it all a bit overwhelming. Who looked after your daughter and took her to school last time? If you need your son to help, you need to ask him but I would try to make other arrangements first.

I think he’s probably going to be more trouble than help - if he’s untidy and not proactive I’d leave him out of it.
My kids were walking to the bus on their own at 10, but if thats not an option you could see if school mums or other friends that would help, or worst case organise a Taxi? See what the school suggests, you wont be the first incapacitated parent!
Have you no friends that would come and help you? If not, what about a carers agency. I know the one that helped my elderly relative was happy to help people temporarily after an OP, shopping, cleaning, driving to appointments etc.

Where is you DD going while you’re in hospital? Could she stay there longer?

The school might help. Mine certainly has helped parents in these situations before, eg a TA picking them up. Not something you can count on but you just never know.

Sorry if I've missed this bit, OP, but have you directly asked him to come and help? By directly, I mean in a way that sounds like a request but is really an instruction: "Please can you come and help with your sister, as I am going to be on my own and I need another adult around for a week or two".

An e-mail to tutors, from him, should alleviate any attendance concerns.

Of course it’s vaguely selfish. But he’s a teen away at uni with all that entails. I’m sure he loves his mum (and sister) but I doubt he’s thinking very hard about his mum’s uterus on a day to day basis. If he was I’d be more worried!

You may also find once he’s back and sees with his own eyes what’s happening he might stay longer.

If this was in a few years time, I expect you’d get a different answer from him as he matures. But from the sound of the OP no she shouldn’t wait!

He’s in classes 2 out of 7 days, and is an hour away. I don’t think asking for a little bit of help in this situation is unreasonable.

I’d hope other parents would help with lifts if they’re able and you ask. I’ve helped other mums for all sorts of different reasons. Do you have a class WhatsApp? They get a bad press but when the chips are down with a family at ours people really do rally to help.

I’m sorry you’ve had a shit tine with your health and hope your op goes smoothly and you recover quickly and well. Mum talks of her hysterectomy as one of the best things she’s ever done, it was life changing. You really do need to take it easy so see if people can help with school run, having her over for tea after school etc.

Well done for asking him. He shouldn't miss his lectures, but good he is helping on the day. He will likely need to stay overnight though as you won't be able to supervise you're dd on the first night home, and you may end up staying in hospital so you do need a back up if he can only stay for the day.

Have they told you, you'll be off your feet as I was up and about later same day..in fact had to be, to be discharged. The only guidance was no lifting, driving. You have a sort of ducked, hunched walk holding your tummy, for self comfort, for a while but it knits super fast ...have they talked your recovery through with you?

Thanks all. I'll manage at home I think but my concern is getting DD to school. She was 10 2 weeks ago and school do not allow children to walk home alone until year 6.

I shall book her a taxi for the remainder of the time I need support. I feel horrible about asking him for help but I don't have others to ask unfortunately. At least it's a weight off having him come home to look after her on the day of my operation. I was going to sign myself out after the surgery.

I can't say I know the school mums very well, as I drop off at breakfast club and pick up from afterschool club because of the hours I work. The couple of mums I do know of I don't feel I know well enough to ask for favours for two weeks. I'm also respectful of people having their own lives etc.

Thanks again for your comments and suggestions. I appreciate your input.

@PullingOutHair123 In regards to not waiting, I've actually put it off for nearly six years.

@Overthebow he's going back the same night but he's coming to have her during the day which is the main thing and something less for me to worry about. I'm grateful for that.

I shall ask the school tomorrow if they can recommend support. One thing off the list. Always something being a woman but we carry on.

You need to actually ask rather than make hints.

Some people will say it how you have but not actually be expecting or wanting help more venting. So spell it out.

But if his as bad as you make him sound would he even be any help?

Have you actually asked him?

At that age he will need asking as it won't even cross his mind that you need a bit of help

your too independent but you need to ask for and accept help. Ask son if he says no ask her dad to come home for a week and have her if that fails ask the school if there is any help available or pay someone to collect and bring her home for a week or so, I would ask friends too good luck with your operation and hope you have a speedy recovery 💐

Cross posted. Good he is going to come on the actual day but yeah he shouldn’t miss lectures to do the school run.

Can you find a childminder who’ll do the school runs? I had one after surgery for several weeks until I could drive again.

Please do ask the other parents in your daughters class - I would gladly help another parent if I could, and I expect many others would too

I don't think you should expect him to skip uni for this.

Does DD have any friends who's parents you know, even slightly? I would bite the bullet and ask if they could take her to school and bring her home for a couple of weeks - I have done this for other school mums when they've been ill or recovering from an op and it honestly wasn't much bother. You could offer to return the favour when you're well again. You've got nothing to lose for asking and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Is it day surgery? Surely you will need to stay in or at least plan on the fact you may need too? If it is day surgery you will still need an adult in the house overnight if you are having a GA.