Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

missing lectures is not that big a deal. he only has classes a couple of days per week.

i live alone and while not a hysterectomy I had massive endo excision surgery which was over 8hrs. Did have to stay overnight due to length of the op and they also operated on my bowel, bladder and took my appendix out
Driving will be an issue, I was ok after about 9 days to drive
the rest was ok - clean as much as you can, Hoover and change bedding, empty bins etc before you go in and get some easy food to have
would say from day 4 I was more normal. I got up and moved about as soon as I could post op and stood up straight even when it felt weird!

I've only read your posts, so I'm staggered if people are saying you are being selfish. Its a matter of life and health, you should TELL him he MUST come home and look after his sibling. Honestly.

Where are you based? This is an opportunity for the amazing side of mumsnet to come into play and there might be posters locally who could help you. I’d help you if you were near me. I’m also a single mum with no help and it’s very daunting to say the least. I’m the past when I had Covid a school dad took Ds to school and brought him home. He’s been a godsend. There’s a couple of mums I will ask at a push too but I don’t like asking and will only do it if desperate. School might be able to help.
You will need an adult with you overnight after a GA but I doubt you’d be home the same day after major surgery so you need someone who can stay with dd or will have dd at their house overnight. Don't underestimate how this surgery will affect you. I wish you all the best, a successful operation and a speedy recovery.

To add I had 7 incisions but apparently that’s unusual. Also a perineal tear - also unusual! Healed v well

I am no longer going to comment on this post. I am confused by the hate I've received to be honest. I'm very grateful for the advice I have been offered here though. I may just cancel and wait until DD is older. I've done it for 7 years. What's another another couple on top.

Thanks again for the kindness shown here.

Take care.

Please let your son know he may need to stay overnight, there is no guarantee you will be well enough to be discharged same day.

I think it’s incredibly sad he isn’t more willing to help under the circumstances.

I hope your DD has sown good friends whose parents will help out with the school run.

When my kids were in primary school, one school was 3 miles away. The other was 20 miles away. You think they should have been getting themselves there and back?

I think a lot of 21 year olds would have very little insight into how much help someone might need for 2 weeks after a hysterectomy, both looking after themselves and caring for a 10 year old. I had no clue how ill I'd be after my more minor surgery and I was a decade older and an experienced parent.

I agree with PP, I suspect other parents on the school run might be happy to help out when there is a good reason and for a limited time - which is all you need. You'd probably help someone else out too wouldn't you? This stuff is so much harder when you're single unfortunately - the default option for me would be my partner, job notwithstanding, not mums or aunties. But it is not just about the school run, it's can you care for yourself, do you need another adult around after the anaesthetic etc. They might not even discharge you without someone lined up to help at home.

Your best bet is getting the aunt you mentioned to look after your daughter for a few days or at least be available to be home for the day of your op.

OP please don't cancel. What you have been living with sounds horrendous and you have put it off long enough. See what the school has to say and take what help you can. Reach out to your friends - I'm sure between them they will be able to put together some support.

Don't cancel; you need to prioritize yourself for a change. Your daughter is old enough to be helpful and if she has to miss a week of school, so be it.

100% agree!!!!!!
My son is at Uni and all his lectures are streamed live or afterwards online anyway so many courses are like this since covid. Asking for one day or even a week, I assume OP has supported his sorry arse for 21 years without help. Its ok for the 10 year old to miss school but not someone who is on a course for 2 days a week. I often despair when I hear about the entitlement of some young adults who won't do anything for anyone, or with all the eye rolling and huffing and puffing, he's 21 not 13. I know my DS would be home in a flash to look after me and help out in this situation (which could easily happen to me too). I wouldn't want to be OP's son's partner if that's how he is empathetic and supportive to his own mum.

A friend's partner recently had the op and was incapacitated for at least a month
She couldn't brush her teeth unaided. I had no idea. I doubt your son will.
I wonder if you coukd arrange some paid help as well as overtly asking your son to plug in with your DD?
Wishing you all the best for your recovery x

@Silentlysinging I have sent you a PM.

I hope you see this @Silentlysinging : look up home from hospital reablement care. You need to arrange ASAP, don't leave it to the last moment because they won't have availability then. It gives you 2 free weeks of care once you're discharged.

Also get in touch with you local voluntary services - if you can't find them online ask your district council or local CAB. There may well be community support available for you but even if they can't help directly they'll have good contacts in your area. Really worth doing so please do check it out.

Finally do look up your local care companies. I've had to use them after operations too and I know it's not the cheapest, but they'll help around the house as well as personal care.

There is help out there, it varies as to where you live and you have to search for it but it is there. Good luck

Does your daughter have friends at school? Talk to their mums.

If you have the funds (and after checking the Red Cross can't help) arrange a carer to come in. It's no different to when you're older and need help.

You do sound like my mum and tbh, there was so much "burning martyr" that I tuned out for years, particularly as she was not at all pleasant when she was in pain. I've looked after her for years now but at 21, I struggled. You also sound envious of his life and tbh, putting things off for this long isn't really helping you or your family. It will be affecting your DD's life, even if you think it's not.

Either be very clear what you need and which bits he can do and then work around that, but as he sounds a useless fecker, make other arrangements.

I don't think you are selfish one little bit FWIW 😘

Who is going to be looking after your daughter whilst you are in hospital, never mind when you get discharged, as I would imagine it will be 1 week at least if not 2? Have you asked at the GP if they have any network of support for these type of emergencies. I know a lot of people may not understand it being classed as an emergency but it is as you clearly need this operation and your daughter is very young. Your son surely will offer. If he doesn't then you will have to ask him and ensure that yur dauhter is not going to be left on her own at any time. The hospital will not allow you to come home straight after your operation. I do so hope you get this resolved quickly.

Yabu.
He will have exams and final projects now. He can’t drop everything to be your carer post surgery or to ferry DD to and from school.

By age 10 the vast majority of kids are walking/bussing/training themselves to/from school.

I am sorry you have no support network, but that isn’t your child at a non local university’s fault. You should ask your friends or neighbours or the hospital or the school before asking him.

Your son is a selfish and entitled manchild.
Of course he should come and help you and his little sister out after you have had your surgery!
I bet if he had to have surgery he would be wanting "mum" to look after him.

OP, roughly where are you? If you are near me, I am on maternity leave and would happily help you out with school runs, getting shopping in or helping with meal prep. I know how hard it is when you don’t have much support.

Sorry some posters have been very unpleasant to you.

Your son sounds very selfish.

Don't put off your operation. It sounds like it's long overdue.

Call in other support too from whereever you can get, your aunt that you mentioned, the mums of your daughter's friends, your ex husband (she's his daughter too).

Anyone talking about important lectures etc needs to give their head a wobble. Students miss lecturers all the time. It's his mum. His mum should always be more importsnt than any lecture.

I hope you get the support you need OP.