Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

Can I just say please don’t worry about your dd getting to school. If she has a week or
longer off and can do work from home if needed. Your son needs you to actually point out to him how selfish and self centred he’s being!! You aren’t doing him any favours by not bringing him up to be thoughtful to other people. I have a son the same age who is similar and like he is due to autism so I’ve had to be very bluntly honest over the years with all sorts but things like
this the need telling right I need you to come home to help for a week or 6 - because frankly it isn’t a weeks recovery!!

the hysterectomy is the best thing I’ve ever ever done and omg I highly recommend it!! I had a massive amount of of endometriosis removed and was spending hundreds of pounds a month on panty liners mopping up the blood and also the pain and exhaustion from anemia! The difference afterwards literally was life changing!! A literal weight removed off me!!! But you NEED to NOT do washing/dishwasher etc as bending down and doing that puts stress on your stitches and you will end up back in hospital bleeding or causing a prolapse too. Driving if you have an automatic is ok but not a manual - can the school help with work from home for your DD? Put it bluntly to them you don’t have a choice you need this surgery and unless they can help with school runs then your DD will have to have some time off school

For christ sake, just tell him he needs to be home to help. We expect far too much of young men, hence they grow up to be useless husbands/partners.

He was such a cuddly, loving little boy but it all changed once he reached secondary school

So if he is 21 and your daughter is 10, then the birth of his sister would have coincided with him starting secondary school. Perhaps he felt side-lined then - that's not a great time for a child to get a new sibling. Two massive life changes came in one go, and maybe that gave him the hard edge he has towards you now?

Two weeks???

He’d be a mere hour away and could commute; many do.

All of this drama about derailing his university career is nonsense. Many people attend university while working, while child rearing, while commuting, dealing with illness or disability, etc. each and every day.

Tge number of people here who object to asking young men to step up to responsibility is extremely telling. No wonder there are so many useless men-boys out there.

My youngest just graduated this summer and yes, 3 days was the max she could miss. There is no flexibility.

My oldest is in a different health sciences program in a different university but they have the same thing. 3 missed classes and you are gone. It was also like that when I went to nursing school long ago in a different state. There were no exceptions. Injury, death or critical illness in the family, pregnancy loss, tough.

But this isnt about your children's courses. OP's son has 5 days a week available with no Uni. He also may have different requirenments at his Uni.

For a TAH OP will be in several days!

He has classes 2 days a week at the moment.

What about studying? What about exam times? Does he have lab times he has to do? Are there attendence requirements that need to be met. Does he even have a car for this kind of commute.

I think it's unreasonable to want him to be support when he's away at school and OP has not even explored any other options. She posted a misleading title that her son wouldn't help before she even asked him. I think expecting someone to give up a semester of university, and that's what a couple weeks of him being out of school to chauffeur the 10 year old to school and do caregiving would be here, is far too big an ask when she hasn't even checked out other options. The 10 year old can't miss school but the son in university can? That makes no sense.

I've taken my neighbor's kids to their bus and back. A lot of neighbors pitch in here when someone needs help. She needs to investigate other options.

It depends when the op is. If it falls during a time when he’s off anyway, he should help so if it’s over the winter break (starts mid December and usually ends last week of Jan in most uni’s) then he should of course help. If it’s during a semester, it’s hard. You said he’s 21, is he a final year student? If so, it’s even more difficult because he needs to really give it his all this year and dependent on what he’s studying, he’ll have a dissertation to complete which he may need to be on campus for.

The OP mentioned one week, didn’t she? Sounds as if the son is selfish and inconsiderate. If he really wanted to help he would. It’s clear many on here have no idea what having a TAH is like. It’s a major operation with long recovery time. She needs help and it is not unreasonable to expect her son to put himself out for a short time.

It depends on the uni. I’d imagine Oxbridge will be strict as anything on attendance but most don’t tend to be. I lecture at a Russell and attendance for some students is absolutely shocking. There are some I have never even met yet they hand work in on time… We’re not arsed because every student represents fees and most uni’s (Oxbridge the exception) need all the cash they can get.

OP will be fine when she gets help after a major surgery. If there isnt any in her family or social circle then social services are surely next step to look at.

You think social services offer post op carers for a parent having routine surgery with a perfectly able 10yr old at home? She does not need social services. At the most she needs a taxi for her dd if it's too far too walk to school if she can't ask other parents to help.

Again, why does the son have to make up for his useless (step?) father.

Depends where you live. In some areas you absolutely do get help. In others there is nothing, even for elderly people who really need it.

Not necessarily. Mine wasn't keyhole and I was in hospital for 1 night. I'm not special and am not superhuman - but honestly it was fine.

I was motivated to get out of hospital. I had 3 small children to look after. Asked what I needed to do to help with healing and promote recovery. Using loo, not lifting, gentle walking, taking meds etc etc

Also OP works FT and has known about this for ages. She should have saved up to buy in help. I did this- I spent money on ready meals and supermarket delivery.

OP was the one who stated she was asking for 2 weeks, not me. I suspect it could be longer, it all depends on how surgery goes and how op recovers. She won’t be able to drive for 6 weeks if she is having an abdominal hysterectomy, and unless op is going to be able to use the bus (as school is not walking distance, from what she has said), I think she’ll need help for more than a few weeks.

As for the commuting- I think quite hard going tbh. A Commute for 2 weeks- about an hour and 20 minutes but probably more door to door- leaving after school drop off times and back by school collection time is not going to be straightforward. Exactly how difficult depends on where they are a transport links. In our area, for instance commuting to a large university town which is about an hour from us by car can mean a train journey of 2 hours with a change of train (and a long wait if you miss the connection) or a similar bus journey as there are multiple stops along the way. And then he has to factor in time to and from the bus or train station. Obviously if he drives and has access to his own car, it is probably easier. And who is funding this cost- he is likely on a small enough budget, being s student away from home? It would be much more straightforward (and quite possibly cheaper) for op to arrange taxi to and from school than her DS to commute to and from university.

I don’t think you can tell a 21 year old they must do something like this. You can ask, but you can’t tell. Emotional blackmail, or even threats of withdrawing any financial or other support from them is certainly not the approach I would take if I valued my relationship with my young adult child. It’s likely to fracture your relationship, possibly beyond repair. I agree his reluctance to help is not the most caring and could also impact their relationship. Equally, OP’s son might well be justified in being disappointed in his mum’s lack of planning putting him in a difficult position by asking him to miss university classes without having even tried to find alternative options.

The bottom line is it was OP’s responsibility to look at solutions as she has had long enough to put some plans in place, even if I recognise that it would not have been straightforward for her. She has not explored any- not asking her ex-husband to come and care for his own child, not asking friends or the family she does have contact for a little bit of help, not even asking if another school parent could help on occasion. She has not asked the school to help- e.g. can her daughter be supported to learn at home for some of the recovery period/ are there any support services she could use (however unlikely)? Not a thing. Just tried to place the burden on him. I don’t think that was the fairest approach either.

Please don't put your operation off any longer

@SilkCottonTree yeah, good point - OP is lucky he hasn’t gone no contact with her

🙄

I can't stop my offspring helping me 😀 I can't imagine either of them not being willing to step up if needed even in their early twenties. My daughter has flogged about all over the place taking me to hospital & back but I sometimes have to tell her No - it's not reasonable for her to take a day off work because I might get wet on the way home!.
However, the OP is being a bit of a martyr in saying she might postpone the op again. This is crazy. She'll still have all the same problems: he'll still be a self centred arse & her DD still needs to get to school AND it's likely her medical problems will have deteriorated further. She needs to think about herself & her health & get the help she needs now.

Not sure if it’s been said, but what about other parents at the school. That’s got to be better option if it’s available?

Almost 500 posts... its been obviously mentioned loads of time.

Sorry…thats rude

No one is expecting that you read every post, but it's also rude to ignore absolutely everything that's gone before. A quick scan of page 1 alone would have revealed about 8 posts suggesting friends and/or schoolfriends' parents.

Located. Thankyou for your help