Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

When I had my hysterectomy I was told not to even lift a full kettle, or use a vacuum cleaner for a couple of weeks, and it was six weeks before I was given the ok to drive. Don't underestimate how much rest you will need. Are you having an abdominal surgery, or a vaginal one?

I'm sorry to those I have offended here. Obviously if it was a large sum of time, I would never want his support. I just wanted a bit of help for the first few days. Being a hysterectomy it's not light surgery and if I could put it off longer I would however, my day to day life is an absolute misery to be honest. The blood loss is so bad I'm severely anemic and I have some nasty side effects. Apologies if I've come across as selfish, I just am desperate for some quality of life and to be full on functional for my daughter.

" I haven't asked him as I'm aware I am the parent"

What on earth does that mean???? Are you seriously under the impression you cannot ask your adult son for urgent assistance? Do you always walk on eggshells around this person?

If he's not twigged that you need his help he's either a complete doofus or wilfully obtuse. Just to make sure it's not the latter ask him outright. Its the only way for you to know what you need for plan B (a taxi perhaps?).

you won’t meet discharge criteria if you have no one at home to look after you for 24 hrs at least. It’s also not that unusual for planned day case hysterectomies to need overnight stays for a variety of reasons. You really do need a plan for this.

Anyone who's told you that you are being "selfish" is a dysfunctional fool.

Your son owes you respect and consideration, and certainly assistance when you are having a significant surgery. This notion that mothers are supposed to be self-sacrificing doormats, tiptoeing around the needs of a young man, is absurd. Tell him he needs to move home that week, skipping classes if necessary. Non-negotiable.

All i can say is that at 21 he probably doesnt get it. I absolutely adored my parents and later in life realised how much they did for me but at 21 i was utterly self absorbed and selfish. I didntbthink about them at all and can see how i must have disappointed and hurt them in so many ways but i just didntvrealise it at that age. Im not mak8ngvexcuses for hom but he literally hasnt a clue.

Assuming that the uni provides access to lectures remotely then he’s a selfish bastard. However from what you have said I’d wager that your recovery will be easier and more pleasant without him there under sufferance and creating a mess.

Can you turn this time into an adventure with your DD? A special time her her and mummy when there will be much snuggling, special (easy) food and gentle games when you aren’t resting. Girls of this age are often very nurturing and will actually thrive on being helpful and kind.

Can you pay someone to come and do the school runs and a bit of help in the house for a few weeks? And do throw it into conversation with the mums that you know that if anyone can offer any support you’ll be very grateful and obviously willing to reciprocate at a later date when possible?

wishing you well.

I’m a single mum with cancer still working full time. With absolute kindness, I think if I was your son I’d be very concerned that you don’t have a support network and I would be feeling very anxious about becoming that.

This is an opportunity for you to get to know the other mums at school. I was so like you before, exhausted, working full time and dealing with a lot of really serious background issues . The cancer diagnosis was so brutal and debilitating I had no alternative but to finally start asking for help and while it’s very uncomfortable for some of us it’s transformed my life, I feel I have community for the first time in over a decade and I’m able to offer others too as there is now a network

"he knew this was coming."

What a self-centered little jackass. He knew it was coming but didn't have the respect and consideration to proactively and graciously offer any and all assistance?

Having been a uni student through multiple degrees, I can attest that missing a few lectures is nothing. He just can't be arsed.

As the parent of young adult children, I would have to say that I would be very disappointed if they wouldn't immediately try and figure out a way to come and help me as much as possible in this situation once I'd asked them. I think I'd be most disappointed in myself as the one who raised them to be honest.

Would social services be able to help, I wonder? Is there a government body to help get children to school during parents convalescence?

Your DS is very thoughtless and seems uncaring.

Strongly suggest that you ask your 10 year old school for advice & help

I think YABU. He’s not your carer, it’s a very busy time at university with deadlines, especially at 21.

Hysterectomies are not what they were, unless you’re having an abdominal one and then you’d be an inpatient anyway? Expecting him to miss uni and his studies because you look down on him for studying in coffee shops is your issue.

He's in university. Is he supposed to miss his classes to be your caregiver and care for his sister for a couple of weeks? I think that's an unreasonable ask because he'd likely fail his classes missing that much.

You're going to have to bite the bullet and ask friends and neighbors and other school moms if they can set up a round robin thing for getting her to school and back. Ask them if they know a reliable babysitter they can recommend. Set up grocery delivery and order some microwave meals she can put in and eat. Disposable plates and plastic flatware for the time. Hire a cleaner for a couple cleans. You won't be able to lift for a while, but you will be able to do some walking and will be increasing that and other activity as tolerated. If all else fails, ask her dad if he can have her for a couple of weeks.

I took my neighbor's kids to and from the bus stop when their grandmother was sick. It was no big deal.

Yes, I think you have to do this. The subtle approach very rarely works.

OP when you go in for surgery explain to the hospital that you have no-one to help when you’re discharged and see what they can offer. Who is looking after your DD while you are in hospital ?

You 100% need a plan b for someone to have DD overnight in case you are kept in. I'd have one of my kids friends in this situation.

I live nearer to a different primary school than the one my kids went to so all the neighbours kids didn't go to the same school and the school friends didn't live nearby. But still in a pinch different school mums did the school run for me a couple of times, and I have for others, even when the parent or the child wasn't a friend. People will likely be ok to help you out if you actually ask.

Honestly take him out of the equation and speak directly with the youngests school. I'm about to start chemo and have suggested that depending on how things go our children might have to be home schooled. The school were fantastic and said they had loads of aids that they could use things like gadgets that sit in the child's seat and records the lessons through to online resources. They have been really good actually. They'll understand about not having any support.

I agree

You sound lovely !!

@Driftingawaynow I send you so much love. I'm sorry you're going through this but am glad you have a supportive community around you. Sending you lots of well wishes and positive energy flowers 🌷

The child’s father is allowed to simply have a job that isn’t child compatible, but you want your son to interrupt his education. This is completely messed up.

If you need your son’s help, you need to schedule the surgery for a time that doesn’t interfere with your son’s classes. It’s ok to need his help, but he should not miss lectures or study time.

No wonder many so many shitty men are being churned out, with the attitudes expressed here by so many women, presumably many of them mothers.

God forbid ltitle golden boy be inconvenienced. Wouldn't want to infringe on the little darling's coffee shop and library stint by making him do some hands-on caregiving for a week! Mummy's darlings cannot be tasked with having empathy, compassion and self-sacrifice for even a few days!

This is why so many husbands/partners/boyfriends are low quality, sub-par selfish oafs. Because they are never held to standards when it comes to caring for family.

I'm a bit on the fence about whether he should help or not.

However I do want to say it's a sad world where 10 year olds can't get themselves to school and back.

On the surgery front think most hysterectomy are done via lacoscopic surgery so there is no cut or wound just a small incision which takes no time at all to heal. I had a hysterectomy last year and I was able to slowly hobble about the next day and probably could have driven no problem after 2-3 days.

Good luck with the operation its nowhere near as bad as you might be thinking.