Son won't help me post surgery

[Silentlysinging]

I've been waiting for quite some time to have a hysterectomy. I am in desperate need and have purposely avoided it for years, due to having a DD at home (now aged 10). I cannot put it off any longer and have finally been given a date. I obviously will be off my feet for a couple of weeks and so my concern is getting my DD back and forth to school.

Unfortunately for us, I don't have a support network in place to help, hence why I've put this off for so long. I don't have siblings, my parents are not nice people and so we have no contact, my friends have their own children to care for and jobs to get to, my neighbours aren't the sort to help out and my ex husband works abroad most of the year.

My son (aged 21) lives around an hour and 20 minutes away from home. He's away at uni at the moment and is a fully dedicated student. He's only in uni 2 days a week and currently hasn't got a job. He enjoys spending a lot of time in libraries and coffee shops, much more grand and elaborate than the ones we have at home. He loves his life away from home and I'm so very happy for him, as well as immensely proud of the life he's created for himself.

The thing that has hurt me the most throughout this entire process is, my son is aware I have no support network at home. He has seen me suffer for years, despite me trying my best not to make a big deal out of things, to avoid upsetting my children. I have dragged myself to be a mother and work full time to provide while I've literally been wearing double pads and underwear. He obviously doesn't know the full ins and outs, but is aware I've had issues that affect my daily life. He's aware I'm going for my op and will have no one to help and hasn't at all offended to come home for a week to help his DS.

Believe me when I say I am more than ok to try myself and may even have to just keep her off a week and home educate her, but am I being unreasonable to be hurt that he won't even offer to help me after quite a big op? I was in hospital for a week two years ago and he came to visit me once, while hungover and slept in the chair. I just feel perhaps I've given my all to the extent I've belittled my own worth and worthiness of being cared for, by someone I've moved heaven and earth to support. Perhaps I'm just a bit sensitive and nervous.

Reading many of the responses and seeing the vote tipped towards 55% YABU adds up, when we see the amount of women posting here about their selfish husbands.

I find it extraordinary that a 21 year old MAN cannot be relied upon in such circumstances, by his loving mother. That she had to ask him despite her many hints is illustrative of how self centred he is.

His future wife will be posting on here in a decade or so...

Good luck with the surgery @Silentlysinging I would help you out if I lived close by.

Hi, PauliesWalnuts, well I agree he may not realise what is happening after OP comes out of hospital but who is going to look after the daughter whilst OP is an inpatient and who does he think is?. It can be a major operation unless keyhole surgery but every case is different and OP will still need to be in hospital so who does he think is looking after his sister? I'm sorry but I would have been asking these questions and if Mother then said "well there is no-one which is why I was hoping you could come home for a couple/few weeks to care for your sister whilst I am in hopital and then when they let me home I will have an idea if I can manage fully on my own. I would be really grateful and it would be nice to have you home for a while", He will then be informed and I wonder what his response will be. To OP, I'm sorry you are having to worry about this on top of the worry you have about your health and the operation itself - he knows his family's dynamics and hopefully will offer soon, long before you go in.

This is such a tricky one to respond to. I have a 19 year old DS and I wouldn’t want him to have to care for me. I also have elderly DPs - I know it’s not the same - but I feel I have been thrust into a position of being a carer that I absolutely do not want to do and am pretty rubbish at doing it and feel deeply uncomfortable and resentful when I have to deliver any personal care.

The DS isn’t doing nothing, he has offered to be there for the day of the operation.

The suggestion of investigating other options seems the way to go. I also think other DPs would help with the 10 year old if asked, I know I would have done what I could for a short term.

I hope the school can help.

In a similar issue in our school the school secretary lived near the pupil and took her in with her every day. She was then in breakfast/afterschool club until the secretary could bring her home. But we had an asbolute peach of a secretary (we still keep in touch even though DD left 4 years ago!) and it was a small village school so I appreciate that perhaps we were just very lucky!

She isn't looking for personal care. She is asking her adult son to help with his 10 year old sister.

I don't know in what world this is remotely unreasonable.

It’s not just the lectures though is it? It’s all of the deadlines that come with being in your final year.

It's good that your son is willing to help on the day of your operation. I'm confused why posters think your son might be missing lectures - you clearly stated he wouldn't be! 🤷 Ask your daughter's school if there's any help that they can provide in getting your daughter to/from school. There might not be, but if you don't ask, you won't know. Booking a taxi to/from school may be an option. A child minder, who could do the school runs for you. Is there a school WhatsApp/Facebook page or class one? Could you post a message asking for help from other parents? In your situation, I'd help another parent if I was able.

Maybe OP should do that to the father of her 10 year old, rather than trying to guilt trip and parentify her son?

I agree he should help out, but he's not the 10 year olds parent or the OPs partner. And the martyr reaction from OP when seeing not everyone agrees with her, of saying people thinks she's selfish and saying she'll cancel the surgery even though she previously said she can't go on any more without it, makes me wonder a bit what the sons version of this thread would be like.

Sorry you're going through this OP
One thing I've noticed with kids is that you have to teach them that parents are human and can be vulnerable too.
My mum always taught us girls that and we had a lot of empathy towards her but unfortunately she didn't teach my brothers that and they didn't understand how weak she was until she was nearly end of life.

So, make sure you start telling your daughter how you feel, not oversharing but factually, I'm ill today, I need your help to do this, and this.
I ask my teenage daughter for help, if she helps me I tell her how much I appreciate her, if she says I'm busy, I leave it.
But when it's serious, I tell her and she acts with empathy and kindness.
I also show her that kindness when she's unwell and she loves it.
Human beings need to be kind to each other and I have no idea why people nowadays think that parents can never expect help from their kids. Its actually so sad.

At 21, unless he had a gap year, your son will be in his third and final year of uni. You say he’s a diligent student, then he’s likely not spending all his free time swanning about doing fuck all. The libraries at home won’t have the specialist books and references he’ll be needing, he won’t get important tutor supervision.
Like others have kindly said - he is not your partner or parent. I do think it’s a massive ask . It’s not like he’s working in a job where him taking time off, can be covered.

@wecouldberightforeachother

he can work from OP’s home. Yeah he’ll have to do some housework, school runs etc but probably less distractions than being at uni and less temptation to go out on the piss. He’ll probs be able to get his head doe way better than if Op doesn’t have this operation!

doubtful. He’s an adult student. He’s well aware of where he works best and I think it’s perfectly reasonable for him to not want to be at home with a ten year old and a mother recovering from surgery. He’s likely got deadlines and exams coming up.

I agree he should help as much as possible - no one is asking him to give up his course. The daughter will be at school for majority of day. I cannot believe that OP is having to ask - it's not as if she is going on holiday and wants someone to babysit.

@wecouldberightforeachother

right, so…OP postpones her surgery??

Reading your op @Silentlysinging i thought you were probably being a bit unreasonable as two of my sons would have a bit uncomfortable looking after me after surgery but, for goodness sake, you only want him to look after his sister and get her to and from school. All three of mine (30, 28 and 19) would do this without hesitation (well ds1 might hesitate but he would still do it). They would tidy up, sort food (possibly take away) and make sure I had everything I needed. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I think family should stick together in hard times.

I know it doesn't help how you feel.

Have you spoken to school about this ? I know my daughters school flo have arranged help with school runs for families with similar hard circumstances

I would just ask him! If you’ve always hidden the full extent of your medical struggles and just ‘got on with it’ like a lot of us do when we have no other option then how will he know?!

21 is a notoriously selfish age - you’re going to have to spell it out in black and white to him. Don’t honeycoat how hard it’s going to be for you and ask him for help!

I always offer to help my parents with anything I can and they do the same for me - but I’m 35 now and will admit when I was younger I was definitely much more selfish

Resources are overwhelmingly online, meetings with tutors are generally infrequent and could certainly be online in these circumstances. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about, tbh.

I agree with this and surprised it hadn’t been mentioned yet

Can you ask your daughter’s school friend’s parents. She’s 10 so not new to the school.

Dare I say is there any way the apointment could be pushed to school and Uni holiday period
(fully aware of the state of the nhs )

OP finds alternatives. Friends, other family members or outside agencies.

My mum had a vaginal hysterectomy in the second year of my degree. Demanded I stayed home and helped her because nobody else could. Those six weeks I missed are the reason I didn’t get a first in my degree. I was playing catch up for the entire second semester after barely being able to concentrate on my second year exams. It’s not fair to her son

this

my daughter couldn’t attend a party after school as I was at work, loads of parents I don’t even know offered a lift. People like to help, just sometimes we feel awkward about accepting it.

Yes, I have four degrees. You don’t seem to understand that the last month of the term isn’t just attending a few lectures.

This is the run up to research papers and group projects being finalised and handed in. There is also revision where lecturers highlight what’s important to know for the exams before the a Christmas break.

You also don’t understand that the “only two days in Uni” likely refers to contact time. This doesn’t include the independent study and research that also must be done. Especially if he is taking any course that requires accessing archives, or working in a lab. These aren’t things that can be done from home.

Speak to her school. You can explain the situation and say you're worried that you'll have to keep your daughter off for the week. How does she get to school? I'm assuming you don't drive her because you want be allowed to drive for several weeks. Could she get herself there?

What date are you looking at OP? It's almost Christmas break for the Universities. My DC gets a month off.

Maybe if your degree is in something like film studies or business management yeah. But if you’re at a decent Uni taking any kind of practical subject that’s not going to be the case.