to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

[OneTicketForChristmasDinner]

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

After reading the post about presents it sounds a little bit like sister is having her cake and eating it too.
Maybe next year you insist on hosting? It’s only fair and it’s nice to change things up sometimes.

But your criticism of what she cooks is exactly the same - not really in the spirit of Christmas.

She's cooking what she thinks is appropriate. She's worked hard on it and you pull faces that it's too fancy. That's massively rude in its own right.

She has an idea that Christmas should be like that. That's absolutely fine.

If you want a different Christmas, you need to be aware that you are rejecting and everything she's done in the past as failing.

If you have a problem with what she cooks and buys, you have a long conversation about wanting things plainer and more to a budget if you are going to share the cost. But she's not a mind reader and you still risk upsetting her generosity of spirit.

As you say the presents are irrelevant and you are at the point of trying to score points because you clearly dislike her and the way she does things. You tend to give what you'd like to get, so keep that in mind. You clearly aren't on the same wavelength and if adding the cost of the food to your overall budget is a problem for you, adjust it! It is, after all, about the thought! All this stuff about it feeling transactional because she's asked for money, and then throwing that comment in just makes you look like you see it as a transaction anyway rather than something given with love.

You can't blame her for saying after years of hosting, please can you contribute something. Hosting really isn't just about doing a cheap shop in Tesco - it's the labour too and the clean up.

Honestly if you really don't like it, offer to host it next year for a change. Maybe she will then realise what you expectations are and you'll understand what her budget concerns are and then everyone will have a different perspective of everything in future.

It sounds a bit like you are a reverse snob and think she's 'too posh' tbh and that's ultimately the underlying problem in the whole thing, rather than anything to do with the food or the gifts.

If you want to go to hers, it's always going to be on her terms. If you want it to be on your terms, do it on your terms - which means hosting.

The kindest way to go about this is to offer your help and financial support in advance. You message your sis in October/November, double check she's okay to host again, and say, "I really appreciate the effort you put into Christmas, and I can imagine how expensive it must be to feed everyone and make it as lovely as you do. What can I do to help? I'd love to contribute more. Could I maybe pay for the turkey/meat this year, or would it be better if I just sent you some money? Let me know what works best for you."

Obviously it's too late now as your sister had to go cap in hand asking for a little bit of support. But you can certainly do better next year.

Which is why I quoted OP's word "good" (bottle of wine). It's still tight to only bring one bottle.

I agree.

Mumsnet has collectively lost the plot as now the majority seem to think charging family for Christmas dinner is absolutely fine.

It’s poor taste and bad manners and if she feels that resentful it’s easy to say she’s not hosting this year and fancies a year (or more) off.

Just to say that £30 is a more than reasonable contribution.

Well glad you have finally accepted this, OP! Nearly at the end of the thread too. Did my suggestion of £20 per head scare you?

Good job you didn't scoff at your sister's suggestion to her face, it would have been a climb down for you from your petard.

If you’d said you were bringing side dishes, loads of bottles of wine and / or a homemade dessert and she was still charging you if said YANBU but you’re probably spending no more than a tenner and she’s spending hundreds and doing all the work. If you’re that bitter about paying don’t go.

Bloody hell I’m vegan and even I know there’s way more to a Christmas dinner that what you’ve posted. A £2 chocolate log for dessert? I can see why she wouldn’t let you bring one! When I’ve been invited over for Christmas dinner and I bring dessert I always make sure I bring the fanciest one I can find. I wouldn’t be giving Tesco own brand squash for the kids it would be appletizer and Sholer.

When we would go to my mother’s for Christmas my Nana would give her money for all of the meat, because when you’re hosting you cook good quality stuff and it’s expensive. If I wasn’t allowed to contribute I’d be sticking money in a card to cover our costs.

If you don’t want to pay it then don’t go. It sounds like this is years of resentment built up from not being offered a penny. FWIW I expect mine and DH’s Christmas dinner to cost around £80 for the two of us.

I’m saying this until I’m blue in the face, for me Christmas is about family.

And if you care about your family, you shouldn't expect one person to have to front all the work and all the costs every single year. Come on, you must see how it looks to enjoy her excellent hospitality every year at no cost to yourself and then lecture her on What Really Matters.

You replied to my post explaining you are unlikely to reply.
My post was not a criticism. At all. If anything I was suggesting to the poster that given the grief you have had I would not be surprised if you didn't. I think people have been very personal and unkind.

I think you need to evict the moths from your purse. Food is very expensive now. Why should they pay for it all?

Do you normally take turns? Is she struggling a bit financially but still wants to do her bit taking the work load?
having hosted Christmas I know the food bill can be crazy especially when I buy in everyone’s favourite tipple. The last time I hosted it was £1500 just on the food shop.
£30 even per head isn’t much, a large good quality turkey will be into the hundreds of pounds.

OP It looks like it is a surprise for you to be charged when you cannot decide what and how cheap/expensive the food you are going to eat. What if next time she is going to go overboard and charge more? You have no control.
Although she did put in much effort and £30 is reasonable for a meal for a family of four without going through all the preparations and cooking.
Going forward next year may be accept the tradition has changed and agree with her and everyone attending on a budget or contribution months before Christmas?

I agree with you OP, I wouldn’t dream of asking for a contribution. I wonder how many of those saying it’s ok are themselves actually charging guests or being charged.

£30 for 2 adults and a few kids is very cheap, maybe she isn’t asking your parents and that’s pretty to cover their cost too, she’s still going to be out of pocket more than what it costs to cover you and your family so a small donation of 30 quid to cover part of the cost is well worth it. I can guarantee if you went shopping with her for everything she provides it would be ALOT more than only £80!! Also electric and heat isn’t free either 😂

Perfect insights.

Can you not see what’s going on here, OP???
Both of you show love and are generous in different ways. It’s Christmas - accept each other as being well meaning or do your own thing.

you need to evict the moths from your purse

I love this saying, I hadn't heard it before. I asked an AI bot about it and was told:

To evict moths from your purse, you must
eliminate all life stages (eggs, larvae, and adults) through physical cleaning and extreme temperatures, followed by implementing preventative storage methods.
Treatment Steps

1. Empty the Purse Completely: Remove all contents. Inspect every item for signs of damage, eggs (tiny and white, often in hidden spots), or larvae (small white worms). Discard any heavily infested items that cannot be salvaged.
2. etc

If my sister was hosting every year, I would be shoving money in to her bra.

However, we take turns and everybody brings a dish / drinks.

I save £125 towards Christmas each month and included in that is the cost for everything. Gifts, wrap, cards, stamps, meat. I’ve hosted the last five years at least and I don’t even know how I would attempt to broach the subject of charging.

Well
exactly @nomas

indeed one of the abiding memories of Christmases/easter / random Sunday lunches 50 years ago is the money being pushed around

the abridged version ( it would typically take 15 to 20 mins to resolve )

“take this”
”no I couldn’t “
”I insist - take this”
”oh it’s far too much “
”no no you must thanks you for everything “

sometimes with a second act of it being hidden in someone’s handbag, discovered …. You get the idea

edit to say that there was no need to broach the subject of charging because basic manners insisted that a contribution was offered up front

edit 2 - please tell me I don’t have to name change after this !

I host my sister and family at Christmas. It easily costs around £400. I don't charge, but I'd think she was a CF if she turned up with just wine and crackers...

Haha I can remember this - usually my parents refusing and the guests giving my sister and I money for our piggy banks instead!

How many of you does that £30 cover ? I did Thanksgiving this weekend in the UK and I spent £150 for 6 adults and three children. It’s not cheap.

Christmas dinner will be roughly the same.

My sister and I split the Christmas bill.
Prior to us multiplying and taking Christmas over from the generation before the bill our Grandparents always contributed towards it.

I don't think its that uncommon to either split it pay a share. Much easier for the host than people bringing bits.

Op in the nicest way you won’t know why she’s asking for it unless you host yourself and see what it turns into and the hassle to host. Easy to say it’s unreasonable until you see the bill she has and the preparation she puts into it.