to think family charging for Christmas dinner is poor form?

[OneTicketForChristmasDinner]

My family are going for Christmas at my sister’s house and she’s just said she wants £30 for us to attend! It’s not like I show up empty handed, I always bring a bottle of wine and some crackers for the cheeseboard. It’s put a bad taste on my mouth and I’m tempted to tell her to sod the charge and we’ll spend Christmas at home, but then the children will miss out on Christmas with all their cousins and grandparents. IABU to think charging family for their Christmas dinner is wrong?

They do understand it they just think it’s a one-sided representation of “other cultures” - which are all different in any case.

It sounds you have an issue with the giving of money.
The dinner is hosted at her sister’s because of convenience to everyone so the rotation idea doesn’t work. The sister also likes the meal done a certain way which it sounds people are happy with. Clearer expectations could be to rotate asking people to pay for certain items especially big ticket ones like the turkey.
That would likely end up costing people more than £30.
I suspect that the sister is out of pocket and is not trying to balance the books as you suggest but would like some help with the costs.
Any caring person would be happy to put money toward the Xmas family meal in this type of set up over the years.

Aka false equivalency and also with a lack of understanding of how there can be toxic family dynamics in plenty of cultures which perhaps aren't very healthy or progressive...

Given she hosts every year, ie it's not done in turns, I wouldn't have needed to be asked for a contribution. I would've asked her long ago how much she needed towards the food (food is extortionate at Christmas. She's probably spending hundreds if there are several of you!). It's ridiculous that you've put her in the position of having to ask. And to be complaining about it, and thinking of telling her to sod off. You've got some brass neck 😬 I'm actually embarrassed for you.

💯

I think it is very rude of OP that she hasn't offered a monetary contribution before now. If she had offered then the sister wouldn't have had to ask and then it wouldn't be seen as 'charging' for a seat at the table, it would be seen as offering a contribution.

It is the OP who is in the wrong and has been for the years the sister has been hosting. The OP also says she is well known in the family for turning up late to things, just to add to her rudeness

I’ve hosted so many Xmases, or have gone to my mother-in-law’s with a large portion of the food (as I offered to do, was happy to do, and was gratefully accepted by her as she’s on a low income), but my brothers-in-law would show up with a bottle of wine each. It’s just not equal. I’m on board with asking for contributions from attendees if needed. It’s not a moral issue and it’s not “charging for Xmas dinner”.

Wine and crackers for the cheese board 😂😂😂 wow !
did she actually word it like that or did she say if everyone could contribute £30 to help cover the cost of feeding everyone there’s a world of difference there. It’s approximately £80/£120 per head to eat out on Xmas day so £30 whether it be as a family or per head is cheap as.
Does she do it every year ? If so she’s probably feeling pissed off cos I feel the same tbh. I’ve made it known I’m not doing it again from next year we’re going out (left it too late to get in anywhere this year). It costs an absolute fortune not to mention the planning prepping shopping snd cooking it all. If it’s her first year hosting she’s probably overwhelmed by the cost and everything else.

Best thing I find is to delegate a whole course or item. So if op was asked to bring pudding options for the whole group and cheese and crackers for the whole group plus half of the entire alcohol for everyone then wow she would spend a heck of a lot more than £30 and would have some insight into the hosts outlay.

Maybe the sister knew that if she delegated the OP to bring dessert and half the wine, she'd bring a packet of mini rolls and half a bottle Prosecco, and didn't want to risk it!

She'd probably get a barrage of 'but i can't do that, its a 3hr drive and it'd spoil'.

I hosted for years because we had the space. It's not actually the cost that bothered me it's the time and effort and the expectation. Even if you like cooking and I really don't mind, xmas dinner for 12 or more is an effort and is tiring.
But expecting to go to one relative's house every year because they have more space than you, can cook etc is fine if they are happy with the arrangement. Sounds like your sister has done it for years and is finally setting some small boundaries.
For me, we got fed up of certain family members rocking up every year, eating all our food, drinking all our drink and contributing nothing (or maybe bringing some crackers 😂or 1 bottle of wine then drinking far more themselves). So one year I asked if peoplel could maybe bring something. My sister always offers anyway and makes great mince pies and she really wasn't the problem.
My MIL grudgingly offered to bring dessert. On the day she 'forgot' so if I hadn't anticipated the miserable cow doing that, nobody would have got any. But I had made stuff anyway.
The next year we didn't invite her and we've never invited her again. Not because we needed that dessert but because it's typical of the grabby nature of that side of our family. It's all take, take, take and never contributing even when directly asked. But I bet they were like you, sitting at home muttering on about the cheek of being asked to chip in.
Fretting over £30 - which is such a tiny contribution anyway - is very similar in my opinion. You say you like your sister - then show some respect. Not just by paying the money (which I see you've already done) but by acknowledging the huge thing she is doing by hosting you all every year and stop silently muttering on about her being cold for asking for a tiny, tiny contribution.

Just because something is a cultural norm doesn't make it intrinsically fair.

Personally I'd say that given the work and effort it takes to host Christmas, the host is perfectly entitled to request a monetary contribution, rather than have the headache of trying to coordinate everyone bringing part of the meal, if that's what works best for her. She's not exactly going to have a relaxing time of it, so even if she does actively want to host, I think it's her prerogative to request what she needs in whatever form is most helpful to her.

And that is fine. This whole discourse started because I simply commented 'only white people'... and people were not happy so I had to explain what I meant.

Understood. I do think, though, that some other pps are rather hiding behind the notion of cultural norms and what is or isn't 'transactional' because they've been freeloading or near-freeloading on other people's hospitality and are uncomfortable with this being called into question.

Mmm, people are often keenest on the cultural norms that suit them best! Cross culturally.

Have you missed all the posts where OP has offered and been rebuffed by controlling sister?

If sister wants assistance, asking others to bring food or drinks is one thing. Asking for cash is crass. Like they are paying customers, not family.

Upon reflection, I’d be apologizing for burdening her, and staying home this year.

It seems times have changed and asking for admission payment to family homes is now perfectly acceptable

It's not admission payment, it's a contribution to the cost of hosting Christmas. It's really expensive to host, and, given that she does it every year, I'd have offered to share the expense years ago!

I get that you've offered to bring food before, but perhaps it's easier for her to just ask for the money, and then do things how she wants to do it. I really don't see a problem with that, especially as she is the one going to all the effort of hosting. I actually think £30 is very reasonable, and probably isn't enough to be truly sharing the costs. A turkey often costs that or more on its own.

I'd also be taking the wine and crackers as usual, on top of the money, plus perhaps some nice chocolates. It's a lot of work to host Christmas - it's not just cooking and serving lunch on the day, but also planning, shopping and preparing in advance (and deep cleaning the house, if she's anything like me!)

But then OP would have to eat sketty hoops on toast for Christmas dinner!

Its not charging its sharing the burden..a bottle of wine and some crackers hardly covers the cost of a meal the shopping the work the prep. You are being lazy entitled n selfish actually

@CheeseIsMyIdol but surely if the whole family are putting on the sister the expectation to host, the least the family can do is help the sister host in the best way for the sister.

If I was OP and I had offered to bring a dish for the meal and had been told that it was easier for her sister to have all the food organised by herself so knew what she was getting and can get ti prepped I would have immediately offered a money contribution instead. I can't understand that other people wouldn't do that. And I would still bring wine and crackers because £30 and those items will still be a drop in the ocean compared to what the sister has paid for the meal, both in terms of cost and prep

sorry OP but i lolled at the “devout catholics” who don’t drink - catholics are the biggest bloody plonkies out there and everyone knows it

You bring a bottle of wine and a box of crackers? You are the problem. Cook, clean, and front the cost of your own Christmas dinner. Your sister has had enough of being taken for a ride by CF.

It’s not an admission charge - it’s a reminder that OP had forgotten her manners for a number of years

As people have commented, Christmas dinner, even a basic one, is a hard slog and expensive. If you never go there empty handed, have you thought about offering a cash contribution instead of crackers and wine (which is a bit of a poor contribution!). Maybe she’s asking as she’s sick of getting such crap ‘contributions’ and feels the rest of you should wise up a bit. If you don’t like it, I’m sure you can refuse the invitation and pay for the lot yourself.