AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

[WillieFIrwin]

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

100% yes to the suggestion to go on holiday! Go somewhere sunny and chill out, so your family cannot even try to descend on you last minute. They are cheeky fuckers and you need to make sure they under that you are not joking!

My sil hosts. It's a lot of work though she buys ready made sides. (The turkey is expensive) I have tried to bring stuff every year but limited to what will travel. (Will bring as much as I can of things that will go in the car)

@WillieFIrwin - your post reminded me of someone who posted about quite a similar situation to yours, last Christmas. You might get some ideas from it!
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5227116-to-cancel-christmas-unless-im-given-a-present (there is an update thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5228231-cancelling-christmas-pt-2-updates?reply=140462049).

I go to my sisters house (abroad) with my kids every other year. I pay at least our fair share for the food, we all muck in together to cook, my other sister and my son do the washing up. Family aren’t the same as guests - they should help!
Tell your family there’s no obligation for you all to spend it together and you are not hosting this year. But should you actually want to host, say right, sister you are proving the turkey (she can bring it with her or before oven ready), or ALL the sides; brother you are bring ALL the booze. And spouses can do the washing up. Or a mix of that. Stand firm.

I'd book myself on a nice holiday somewhere warm and let them sort it out themselves.

What a bunch of twats. Surely them all transferring you some cash to help with costs isnt going to break the magic of christmas.

Posted too soon, sorry.

Yanbu to not host. You deserve a lovely Christmas too. Cheeky fuckers not even trying.

IMHO, if you have "the nice house" and are reasonably well off, then it would be lovely if you were able to the regular host every year moving forward.

However, of course, the rest of your family have to play their part too. At minimum -

To express hope that you are hosting again, and to express gratitude if the answer is yes
To offer to bring snacks, make puddings and cakes, and (of course) bring booze
To offer to help with food prep (perhaps going out of their way to arrive early so that this can be done in good time)
To chip in together to do all of the washing up

I think asking for them to contribute to the cost of the main meal is a bit much, but their job as caring family members is to offer so much help that it wouldn;t cross your mind to ask.

I would out the foot down, it sounds like you have done a lot of hosting and they don’t even want to contribute buy bringing drinks/dessert/nibbles which would help a bit at least.

Unless there’s massive backstory and you’re a millionaire while they are scraping by there’s no reason why it can’t be shared around a bit or at least they help out.

I could have written this OP!
Every year my family pitch up... Mum, Brother and his wife and child, my kids, grandkids. We don't even have a big house and someone ends up on the sofa while we juggle camp beds ...but apparently because I have 'the biggest house' and a car (Mum doesn't drive and brother lives in London so got rid of his) it's me.
Last year was awful..Mum is losing her memory and her social filter, favours one grandchild over another and it ended in a row (first time ever, I'm conflict avoidant!)
And guess what...yeah doing it again this year🙄 Mum piles on the guilt and reminds me she's old etc etc.
STAND FIRM!
I have said that the meat eaters (I'm veggie) need to bring and cook their own..I'm not doing it any more. And if they want stuff they need to fetch it themselves. We'll see how it goes!
The only break I've had is one year where my Mum stayed home, and brother went to his in laws. I booked a restaurant with my (adult) kids and dh and it was BLISS!!!!
Go away, fake illness... do whatever it takes. Don't be me!!!

They have got far too used to taking advantage of you and will pull out all the emotional blackmail stints to get you to continue. Hosting would t be the issue if they financially contributed but they are far too entitled to to that.
Ask yourself why you have let them treat you like this

Btw don't feel pressured to feel you have to book a break to get away from hosting. Just tell them you're going away then when everyone has made alternative plans,just say you've decided to stay home.

I think your mum has a lot to answer for here and all this should’ve been nipped in the bud years ago. Why weren’t your siblings not taught to never go empty handed. They should be asking what they can bring! If you do want to spend any time with this ignorant bunch of cheapskate ingrates, offer to host a bring a plate cold buffet at New Year. Otherwise do your own thing with people who appreciate you.

I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

Because people get accustomed to the status quo and they liked the old setup. Which says nice things about you. Especially at Christmas people can get really funny about change. We sort of fell into a similar situation in my family for genuine practical reasons. The difference is when that household said it had become too much, we acted like grown-ups. But there's something powerful in the default situation becoming how things 'should' be in people's heads.

I’m the mug who does it all too. This year though I have told certain family members to bring various things, eg wine, festive crackers, cheese crackers and a pudding. The worst bit is when they’re all sat on their arses when I’m washing up and moaning that they want to open their presents but they’re having to wait for me. I did want to go out for Christmas dinner but oh no it’s far too expensive! We will just go to you angel as normal.

Stand your ground, they’re taking you for a ride! I never host, it’s always my BIL but we always chip in, I’ve already sent my £50 for this year so they’ve got it early enough. We then take a few bottles of wine on the day too. I find it outrageous they won’t even entertain this!!

Yes that's the one I was thinking of!

More fool you for doing it for 7 years. Who are these free loaders who don't bring a load of booze and puddings?

YANBU. Your family is totally unreasonable, CFs.

I’ve hosted family Christmases in a one-bedroom flat. It’s not that difficult with a bit of planning (fold up table, borrowed garden chairs, precooking as much as possible etc).

But it sounds like you don’t mind hosting, given you have more space. What you mind is paying for all the food and drink, cooking it all and then clearing up afterwards.

It’s a little late to be putting your foot down this year. But if they’ve made it clear they won’t bring a few dishes each and their share of drinks, and if they haven’t assured you that this year they’ll help you cook and clear up, I think you have to say you’ll be having Christmas dinner with just those you live with this year.

As a compromise, you could invite the family over to yours in the evening if they bring at least two dishes each for a casual buffet and drinks. If they don’t bring drinks, offer them coffee, tea or water.

Book a holiday and leave the country

Hard no. Don’t compromise and have them bring dishes or you will have to organise it all, probably still supply the most and still have all the work getting the house ready and clearing up afterwards. And they will let you go on hosting and gradually will go back to expecting you to bear the full load.
A clear communication today saying that you have decided that you are not able to go on hosting so starting with this year you will be doing your own thing.
You don’t have to go out if that isn’t your thing. You can chat to your partner and children and decide what you would all enjoy. Brunch, a long walk to be out of the house at the time they would arrive then whatever food you all fancy. Or pick a pile of films, turn off phones and slob on the couch together.
Have some phrases to use on repeat, ‘we are looking forward to doing something different! ‘I’m sorry you are unhappy but we are just doing us!’ Or something shorter ending in off.

Send out an email saying you are happy to host but the costs and the work need to divided up. Then ask them for suggestions as to how they see this working?

Other thing to consider is do you want them actually cooking in your kitchen and using your cookware? - if not, then say you are happy to host but costs need to divided and paid for in advance of you purchasing everything.

If no one can agree then best to let everyone do their own thing

It is absolutely not too late to put her foot down for this year. These cheeky fuckers can cook what amounts to a slightly more elevated Sunday roast in their own homes with days, much less weeks notice. It's not as if people are having to kill and pluck their own turkeys or make their own puddings or grow their own spuds. One decent supermarket run a few days before and there you go, sorted.

More CFs!

I’d make it into a Xmas game. Whichever two get the sixpences in the pudding (or a certain colour hat in their cracker or draw the short straws) does the washing up and brings you a cup of tea while you put your feet up while waiting for them!

I’ve hosted for the last 25 years, at our expense save for the odd pudding and bottle of wine (I would never have dreamt of asking for a financial contribution and refused any offers). Usually had 20 round the table, plus a full house of staying guests, although everyone pitched in and helped. Between various bereavements and change of circumstances there will only be 7 of us for Xmas this year. Given the change of circumstances I am so glad that we had those years of big Christmasses, and wouldn’t change it at all.

Even with that, OP, I think that your family have taken you for granted and you are well within your rights to stop hosting. They should have been helping out when you asked for it and offering to bring some dishes. Good luck finding somewhere to book. One of my siblings goes to a restaurant now and they love it.