AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

[WillieFIrwin]

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

I think it's this one:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5227116-to-cancel-christmas-unless-im-given-a-present

OP how would you like your Christmas to be? Your family don’t sound appreciative at all and just seem to be using you rather than making a loving fun Christmas together. I do think you need to stand back and reflect what is meaningful for you and how to achieve it. Maybe go away this year to break the cycle and then maybe someone else will host next year.

We have hosted for decades and always prep veg together with Christmas music and wine it’s all part of the family gathering but it’s me who has expected this. Also people bring a dish, champagne, game etc. I think you have sleep-walked into this situation and need to be very clear and assertive in how it’s going to be this year. They can’t make you do anything. You need to be calm strong and stubborn and just choose what you’d like this time.

For the very first time in years we are going to a family member this year and we are taking lots of contributions and will be rolling our sleeves up to help make Christmas lovely for the hosts too.

Good luck.

Quite right.

Even if it’s not practical to bring dishes of food, or the host says not to bother, it’s still possible to brings lots of treats for the host (flowers/bulbs, biscuits, chocolate, cheese, nice tea/coffee, drinks etc etc) and to help out throughout the day (offer to get drinks, help in the kitchen, clear up afterwards etc).

And certainly give a toast to the host before and after the meal and send a ‘thank you’ note afterwards. It’s so important to be appreciative of all the host’s hard work in planning, shopping and cooking.

I’m shocked OP’s family sit there and expect to be waited on.

Wow, how utterly brazen of them. I tend to host and my family bring token bits, but if I asked for fair contribution they would absolutely pay their share/bring more etc. Your family have straight up said to your face that they expect you to pay for their free Christmas every year and that is an acceptable 'tradition'? No way in hell!

I'd tell them to bugger off and I would be very tempted to actually spend the same amount but on having an even better Christmas with just my husband and kids, and then post loads of pictures on the family group chat. 🤣

No means no! Grins. Well done OP for having had enough. If they can't take turns then never do it again. You've been taken advantage of, and some.
Why didn't they just suggest that they each bring a dish? Then be a real nice family affair. Lazy buggers, the lot of them.

I want to start offering a service where I ring people up and tell them they're cheeky fkers.

I would book myself a lovely week in the sun, make sure no one has the key of my home and left them to sulk 😂

For pity's sake. Your family sound ridiculous. My sister and BIL earn about 4 x what me and DH earn. They can afford to throw the most lavish christmas ever.....

... and yet, as a family, we'd never dream of doing that. we share the burden financially, and more importantly, in terms of effort. We do it at her house becuase yes, she cna fit everyone in. But I do all the sides every year. And starters and desserts are allocated depending on who attends (it's not just family.- and overall size of celebration can vary from 8 people to 24!).

YANBU. My DB hosts because he has the biggest house, but we all chip in somehow. My mum contributes financially and we both prep the veg on Christmas morning and mum cooks it. I used to contribute the Christmas pudding and another dessert, but things changed slightly a few years ago, so now I spend extra on DB and SIL Christmas presents, and take 3-4 bottles of Prosecco, and a large bag filled with snacks and sweets for their family.

DD and I carry plates in and out, and do anything we are asked to do to help.

It is hugely appreciated that they host and they we can all have Christmas together.

The least your family could do if they all want to be together, is to contribute financially and help out on the day

I think you’d be working flat out…

It might be too late for this year, but next Christmas please book a holiday, and leave your awful relatives behind!

Yanbu AT ALL! Don’t host it, let them sort themselves out. They will realise when they don’t have it/try to do it themselves, just how much effort and expense you went to.

I’m in a similar position with my family being the only one with a big house and I do wish we could go somewhere else sometimes for family meals/Christmas but the difference is they help with bringing proper sides/desserts/drinks/nibbles etc and fully support with cooking and clearing up etc. Fortunately my in-laws have bigger houses than us so we take it in turns with them.

This is literally my in laws. We are also the ones with the most money and the only house big enough to host (except MIL could host, but her awful partner won’t let her - he’s never invited to our house, so everyone comes to ours to avoid him).

Except we get them not just for Christmas Day. They come for a whole f-ing week! It costs truly a small fortune. Easily £500 just in food. One year it was £800!

They bring nothing. Sometimes a case of beer (I don’t drink). One year I got a sharing bag of crisps to split amongst 8 people and they bought one round of drinks at the pub (while we paid for 7 days of all food and drinks). Even my attempts to order takeaway and send them off to get it with Dh have failed and he just ends up paying.

Then last year I got cancer and I said, fuck this shit and refused to host. I’m not hosting this year either. The dc said they much prefer it when it’s just us! So I’m not doing it again. Not like that. I don’t mind people coming for Christmas lunch itself. I hate them being there the night before getting drunk and staying up late. I hate them taking over the present opening (SIL’s whole family sent all her presents to us to put under the tree, they all had weeks worth of Amazon parcels arriving and then had to take over the kitchen table on Christmas Eve to do all their bloody wrapping 🙄).

No more, they are welcome to come for a meal. But they’re gonna have to not drink and take themselves home after. The AI resort is closed. I’m not spending the next week cooking and cleaning for them.

If you still want to see them, yes, insist they bring something. Who is such a tight arse that they can’t manage some roast potatoes? Costs like £4. Plus a bottle of wine. Or charge them! When Dh’s aunt and uncle still hosted, it was £20 per adult plus bring what you want to drink. That £20 covered decorating and heating an attached barn with tables and chairs to sit all 40 of us, plus plate/cutlery/glass hire. We got canapés with drinks to start, then a full Christmas meal with all the trimmings, plus Christmas pudding and a selection of pies/cakes, chocolates and coffee/tea. Very happy to pay £40 as a family for all of that, plus we pitched in with peeling potatoes and parsnips, etc.

Or tell them to stuff it. 😂

I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead.

I wouldn't suggest this as they sound like the sort of piss takers who would expect you to pay (and then have everyone back to yours for dessert, tea and drinks for the rest of the day anyway).

Stop this charade now.

'I've been thinking over the weekend, it's not even the money, it's me being the one doing all the work by hosting every single Christmas. I'm not doing it going forward and we are making our own plans as a 4 (or however many you are). Let's catch up in the new year somewhere'.

And let them get on with it.

I would go out though as you risk them just turning up at yours.

Book a holiday, hotel or meal somewhere just for you.

What a bunch of sponging cheeky fuckers. Definitely do not host again!

Was thinking of looking this one up. I hope she’s taking her daughter away again this year and has started focusing her generosity on herself a bit more this year.

I’d have stopped hosting these CF’ers after the second year.

£25 contribution per person and I’d be giving people clearing up/ washing up jobs after everyone has eaten. Or ofc they can sort themselves out in their own homes.

They say you do too much etc and that you make a big deal about it then if you do host this year, no alcohol, no nibbles and for dinner, jacket potatoes or beans on toast for everyone. The selfish lot of them.

I hear you OP. My family are the same and expect me to host. This will be my 22nd Christmas. A couple of years ago I said I wasn't hosting but I felt so guilty I changed my mind for my DC's, Dn, DNephew. For me it is the expectation that gets under my skin. The cost is expensive but no one gets it. The lead up to Christmas is exhausting and on the day, cooking all day, cleaning and running around. My Dsis is good as she entertained the dc's with games but it would be nice to be the one to sit back and enjoy someone else cooking Christmas dinner for me.

My situation is different due to the fact my inlaws live with us. My Dfather -inlaw passed away but my Dmother- inlaw is still living with us and in extremely poor health. My parents are both in bad health with my dmum diagnosis with cancer and my dfather has heart problems so I feel I cant say no with everything going on. Also I have a strained relationship with my parents due to them in the past being very selfish, and treating me differently from my siblings. My mum can be very nasty. I am the oldest by 14 years. My Dmum is a jealous person so I am aware with my Mother- inlaw living with us I cant not have my parents even when our relationship is fracture. My parents have been extremely hurtful over the years and growing up but I have to rise above it and play happy families for one day. My Mother- inlaw on the other hand is a lovely, kind lady and over the last 25 years been more like a mum to me.
Everyone will come over, it will be fine and then the rest of the year it goes back to crap. I could say so much more but that is another thread all together. I have asked my dsis and dbro if they could host but they say I have the bigger house. I couldn't care less. I would sit on the floor with my plate. I think the bottom line is I feel taken for granted and when I have spoken up I am told I am unreasonable.

At lease I can have a drink when cooking. I look forward to this and the few hours first thing when i get to see my dc's opening their presents. I do this for them due to them love seeing their cousins 😉

Sack them all off go on holiday

Yes agreed @WillieFIrwin as your sister said … don’t make such a big deal out of it by no longer being the family mug and refusing to host.

if they kick up a fuss just remind them to not make a big deal of it”

Just tell them you are not hosting and will be staying at home with just your family and you will set up with them at some point after Christmas

“The worst bit is when they’re all sat on their arses when I’m washing up and moaning that they want to open their presents but they’re having to wait for me”

I mean this is outrageous behaviour but it’s very much on you if you don’t say to people “right, can everyone come and help with the washing up please, I’d like some time to sit down too”.

I would advise since I am ‘making too much out of it’ and ‘it has to be at mine’ that dinner will be jam butties and crisps, do they all still want to come?

But why enable this by doing the washing up? Don't get it!