To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

From your updates, it sounds like it might be better to spend Christmas with your partner's family this year.

Because I want to.

It shows.

And given your own posting style across many different threads on this forum, I would've thought you'd definitely understand that.

Ah, the inevitable reference to other threads to justify yourself. I don’t recognise your name so you must name change a lot, I wonder why.

but was it an episode of dysregulation? There seems to be evidence that the lad had control over his actions.

Since going into kickboxing he’s been nearly at a neurotypical level of functioning.

Hallelujah, a cure!

It can be a real shock to the system
People who have never been bitten by someone the same size as them will not understand how frightening it can be. It is painful and is very close up in a way that a slap is not. It feels very personal.

I am genuinely asking here... what would you say (given your 'if ever' comment) if this cognitively able autistic lad was 21 and attacked his girlfriend because he was overstimulated?

At 14 and mainstream ability there is no way this is going to be considered acceptable in the real world and his mum is doing him no favours by not putting in consequences (even just a proper apology) now. It's also dangerous for him too - if he gets overwhelmed in a pub on a Saturday night people will not be understanding.

And if he apologises, or your sister punishes him, then what? You won't be terrified any more?

I think it's fair enough if you don't want to be around him any more but is it because you're scared of being hurt by him again, or because you're angry with him, or because you're pissed off with your sister?

Then why didn't you say 'hes taller than me instead of 'nearly the same height'

Adding arms and legs on as the majority of the replies are not what you wanted me thinks

And you can't move away. It's like hair pulling.

That is nearly the same size. I’ve posted a picture of the bite mark. No, I didn’t expect people to tell me it was my fault.

A lot of kids really struggle to suddenly come off a screen with no warning, and I imagine his autism makes that even harder. Your Dsis would presumably realise that might be a trigger for him though, and should have warned you and had a different plan in place for getting him to bed. I’m not excusing the behaviour, just saying that it’s a very well known trigger point- and asking him to pass the spuds on Christmas Day is highly unlikely to provoke the same reaction. I wouldn’t be babysitting again, though.

How is OP supposed to know for sure that her sister and mother can protect her?

Her mother herself is scared of being overpowered by the nephew!

It’s all three. As I’ve said, if my sister took some action I feel like it shows she takes it seriously and would step in if something happened at Christmas. Not just say “he’s overstimulated” and move on

OP I've no idea why people are being so hard on you, what you've decided is more than fair, who would want to spend their xmas day on eggshells sitting with someone who attacked them?
100% never babysit again, maybe your sister will learn there are repercussions for her lack of parenting.
I frankly think if hes in mainstream education then him being autistic is a bit irrelevant, if he isnt biting teachers or other students then he knew full well what he was doing when he bit you and he knew hed get away with it too.
I saw you have a partner so wouldnt be alone on xmas anyways (although I'd take being alone over being afraid).

Having read most of the updates it sounds quite possible that he attacks your sister regularly and thats why she doesn't see it as a big deal. Have you ever had a proper conversation about how things are for her?

Yeah it felt like this. He just would not let go. He had such a tight grip and I was begging him to get off, I didn’t know if he would. It was awful

You are mixing up separate issues.

Should you ever babysit again?
Absolutely not.

Are you safe at a family gathering with your sister present to supervise her son? This is for you to decide. If you do not feel safe, do not attend.

do you have the right to an opinion on how your sister responds to this incident? No. Parents of children with autism do not always share every detail with family. They also work with teams of experts.

If this happened in our house, we would be having an emergency session with our child’s psychologist and making decisions from there. Our child has the right to privacy, so we would not necessarily share the conclusions of those discussions. my child is nonviolent and has low support needs. For a child like op describes, this is going to be even more important. He needs to be able to put his past behind him if at all possible as he gains maturity and life skills.

Challenging his behaviour as you want won’t change his behaviour.
You have every right to feel upset that he attacked you, of course you do. But you really need to learn more about ASD. Maybe have a chat with your sister and ask her to explain what he said about why. Try to understand when overwhelmed the thinking part of the brain is not engaged, it’s all about emotion and feeling. He was feeling overwhelmed and wanted you to leave. He wasn’t trying to hurt you, he was trying to get you to go away, which you did.
Hopefully your sister has helped him reflect on that. But what you want is a punishment? What do you think would be enough of a punishment? Hopefully you can get to a point where you feel able to be with him again.
i hope your healing well, maybe give it time for everyone to calm down and more time will help you reflect on it more.

You know, it would be good if the police had an informal word with him.

I wonder how many women would be saved from abusive men if people took abuse of women seriously and confronted it when it starts at a young age, as with your nephew.

I can’t believe the victim shaming on this thread. OP has been BITTEN by a 14 year old the same size as her and people are telling her “it doesn’t look that bad” and “I don’t think he viciously attacked you” And for what? Asking him to put his tablet down and go to bed?

OP said he understands what’s right and wrong and that he’s very nearly at a neurotypical level of functioning, so at 14 he should be able to control his behaviour.

The priority is not dneph putting his past behind him, the priority is assuring OP’s safety. People really have their priorities skewed.

I find you needlessly argumentative on almost every thread you post on.

This one is clearly no different so I'll ignore you from now on and let you crack on.

If he apologises it wont make the risk go away.

Yanbu to not be alone with him but yabvu to not be around nephew with wider family.

Who should be telling her what to do then.

She has a violent male in her charge, a male who can contain his reactions when he is around other males. It doesn't sound as if this is the first rodeo for him if his mum is so blase about it.

Is no-one allowed to tell her? Will someone be allowed to tell her when he is overstimulated with a girl, maybe my daughter, maybe yours?

You say it is unreasonable for the OP to give her sister a pointer when she is the victim and the sister thinks it is unreasonable of the OP to want this male disciplined.

So, that's all right then. No-one can tell anyone this is unacceptable and another violent male, who thinks it is ok to attack women (and this sounds like an attack in which he was in control) is free to wander the streets.

One day, someone will tell him-either a judge or the father of any future victims.

In all honesty I think his mother may turn out to be powerless (and the grandmother certainly would) in the event of anything happening. It sounds as though a very worrying dynamic is being set up inside the house- which isn’t exclusive to young men with additional needs but can also exist in homes without a male adult presence