To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

I understand where you're coming from op but I do think you're confusing his actions with bad behaviour as opposed to him lashing out in a moment of dysregulation and distress. You don't discipline for that you try to understand and strategise around it to set the child up for success next time around. So yanbu to be upset, to not want to babysit etc but yabu to expect her to be able to do anything more than what she has or for him to be able to be disciplined into not doing it again.

You can obviously choose to step back from him if you want to but i think that would be a real shame for your dsis who's doing her best having been left holding a huge load on her own.

Thank god for this - thought I was going mad! 14 year old boys can easily overpower women. But OP should take it, apparently

If he was trying to get her to go away, why would he prevent her from leaving?

I haven’t read the whole thread but have read the OP’s posts.

I don’t think you should insist on her “disciplining” him just to demonstrate her care for you. She may well be right that usual forms of disciplining will have no effect or even be counterproductive.

However I do think it is completely fair for you to refuse to be alone with him. That obviously means no more childcare. I think Christmas would be fine though, as you presumably wouldn’t be alone with him. If you refuse to go to Christmas that does seems more tit for tat whereas refusing to do childcare is directly linked to feeling unsafe.

The fact is that if he did this to someone else outside the family, it would have serious consequences - he might well be excluded from whatever club/ school /social circle it had happened in. Your sister doesn’t need to punish him (as that may not work) but she does need to recognise that his behaviour will have consequences. You not doing childcare is just a natural consequence of his behaviour, you cannot be expected to put up with physical attacks no matter how overstimulated he is.

It sounds as though his “autism” is being used as a get out of jail free card for all kinds of nasty, abusive behaviour.
My 18 year old son is autistic. Not once has he struck me, bitten me or laid a finger on me because I made it clear from a very young age that such behaviour was unacceptable. Autistic children thrive in secure environments with strict boundaries, not absent ones.
OP, I’m sorry. Your sister is doing you and your nephew a great disservice by allowing this behaviour to go unchecked. She will live to regret it, because it will only get worse.
i feel sorry for your niece too.

It’s obvious you don’t understand much about autism which is fine a lot of people who aren’t directly affected don’t but you shouldn’t assume your sis is wrong she knows her son and his condition far better than you.
it would be reasonable for you not to babysit again and probably better for both of you but you shouldn’t die on this hill and lose your relationship with your sister.
She’s managed it in a way she feels is affective and you should respect that

This is how I feel but to be honest I’m scared to say that on this thread because I’m sure a lot of posters will jump on me for it. It feels as though he is allowed to get away with a lot because he’s autistic.

OP I don’t think you should be alone with him mostly because you don’t have an understanding of autism so it wouldn’t be safe.

I do think it very unfair to not go to Christmas but that’s up to you.

if he was overstimulated (which she warned you about) then he may have lost control and not been able to regulate. Therefore he would have lost capacity in that moment. Being forced to apologise or being punishing by removing the things that actually hep him - will likely re-escalate the feeling he had.

I think your sister should have given you some tips on how to communicate with him when he’s feeing wobbly.

bites are scary - but that looks like more of a warning to be honest. If a 14 year old bit down for 20s and was fully angry, that would have broken the skin and be purple. I think he (maybe) was telling to f-off.

I don’t know him or the family but I would urge you to have some compassion. His mum probably appears blase to you because this is her normal! It sounds like he and his family may need some support around this behaviour of biting and perhaps some techniques to help him feel safe. I imagine he felt more threatened because it was his safe space (his bedroom).

did he say anything to you beforehand? When you knocked did he invite you in? Sometimes warnings can help or even a text message instead of your actual presence could help. Again I don’t know. But just trying to think of things for future.

please don’t call the police - that will be so traumatic.

but I understand that you may not feel safe. I hope the bite feels better soon and you were able to ice it. I also hope that he was ok - if he was that disregulated he was feeling very unsafe.

I'm sure OP would move on if instead of her sister dismissing it, her nephew wrote out a proper apology and perhaps spent some of his pocket money on flowers for her or something and her sister explained she never expected OP to babysit again. But that didn't happen.

I mean if he did this at school he would almost certainly be expected to write an apology and be suspended. Lots of autistic children get suspended if it's deemed that they knew what they were doing. It would never be brushed off like this unless the teenager also had significant learning disabilities. I can say that fairly confidently having worked in all kinds of schools.

Would you expect your sister to punish a child who accidentally clipped you with a wheelchair? There really is no such thing as 'functioning' autism. Some mask and go about daily life a little better than others however, with the level you have described, never seeing him again and cutting off your family seems very excessive. God forbid you ever have a ND child.

As you said, you'd left him to his own devices. Perhaps if you'd have spoken to him and build up a rapport before going him and telling him to get to bed the situation would have turned out better for everyone.

OP, do not babysit again, and don't go for Christmas. Have a relaxing day with your partner.Your sister is only thinking of herself, she stated if you do not babysit she won't be able to have a night out. Tough, why will no others babysit? I will tell you why because they can't control his behaviour.
Don't let your Mother and sister convince you to go for Christmas, and don't worry if they call you selfish. It came out of your Mothers mouth she won't look after him as he can overpower her. Look out for yourself, these two do not have your interests at heart.

Because he wasn’t using the logic most of us would, would be my guess.
if hurting people has made them leave him alone before, when overwhelmed, it’s likely a behaviour he will repeat.
But I don’t know him. ASD behaviours are very difficult to unpick, but I’m pretty sure his mum knows more.
punishing his behaviour won’t change it.

There are many families where a child's ND is managed very badly....did you read the bit about the child's mother trying to guilt the OP into babysitting again?

Totally agree. Why no reparation from the dneph, now he’s calm? Why is it all being swept under the rug?

I knocked and he said “what”, I asked what he was watching and if he’d had a nice evening, if he wanted anything else and then said it was probably time for bed as his sister was tired. He then got very angry which is when he then got up off his bed, grabbed hold of me and bit me.

Also I think "Since going into kickboxing he’s been nearly at a neurotypical level of functioning" is a bit of a shitty thing to say. Plus why would you want her to restrict the thing that's actually working really well and helping him to regulate?

There's a very clear lack of awareness coming through in your posts and while there are valid concerns about physical size and strength and capability to cause harm, I think you could definitely be doing more to inform yourself and you'd probably be better equipped to set him up for success around you by doing that. I work with kids who are prone to lashing out like this for various reasons and in all honesty I've never ever had an incident where a lash out wasn't preventable and wasn't triggered off by staff approaches. If you have the means to be more informed to support your sister and your nephew then i personally think you should be trying to take all the learning you can get.

I also think it's telling that you feel undervalued and like you're not the priority- you aren't- the nd child in this scenario is the priority as he should be.

I totally understand your anger and your upset over this, it sounds like it was very frightening.

I don't think you should babysit again, because it's not fair that you should feel scared for your safety. But also I feel that your sister, and to an extent you, need to take his needs more into account when planning the transitions like bedtime. Young kids - and older neurodiverse kids often benefit from being given time warnings about things. So not just saying it's bedtime, but saying it'll be bed in half an hour, bed in 10 minutes etc. Also for my child (not classically ND but due to brain issues has issues with regulation), not expecting to stop suddenly, but to say please can you get to a place where you can stop, with a tablet or a game.

Again, that doesn't mean I think it's your fault, if he needs that sort of planned transition, your sister should have explained this. It sounds like she was so desperate to leave that she left you with a very volatile situation, which really wasn't fair.

A lot of the time families with kids with disabilities or neurodiversity, think that life's actually ok now. Maybe it's been a while since they've had a meltdown etc. but that's often because the scaffolding that's putting to support the child becomes such second nature that the parent forgets that is even exists! Take that scaffolding away - because how are you to know how mum does it, you're not psychic, and everything falls apart.

I'd still go for Christmas, but avoid babysitting like the plague.

Why have you put the word autism in inverted commas?

a lot of posters will jump on me for it

Sorry that some posters have tried to turn it into a pile on.

Please don’t be scared to keep posting.

That isn’t a minor injury and would be utterly terrifying.
Human bites are the worst in terms infection ridk

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you.

What did your nephew say to you afterwards? Did he say sorry?

That old chestnut...odd how they always come out with this speel..same as my DM used to say with reguard to my sibling and her kids.

That's equally not your fault if your DSis never goes out again. In fact it shows how little respect she has for your feelings.

She can always ask you DM to look after her DGC, who I suspect also says you'll be selfish not to as she herself really doesn't want the job of doing so, or she could also find another sitter.

Certainly don't be bullied into looking after him again, one thing that's come out of this is your DM and Dsis have shown they have no concern for your own safety.

Go for Christmas but don't be alone with your DN, as your DM and DSis seem to have brushed off the incident don't get into a conversation about it.

Just stick to your guns if they mention looking after the DC and say you've given them your decision and it's final so, as with them it's done and dusted and there's no more to discuss on the subject.

Actually, the majority of replies are agree with OP - check the votes. She is not BU.
Go and take your victim blaming elsewhere.

do you usually enjoy Christmas with your family?

OP your nephew is clearly high functioning and his reply to his mother demonstrates an insight into his motives and actions. I expect some will shout me down but it would appear that DN is using his diagnosis as an excuse in circumstances when he can control his behaviour. It seems that he has a great deal of control over his outbursts when he is in more public situations such as school but chooses not to behave when at home. The degree of provocation here does seem to have been extreme but more on the level of annoyance at being asked to do something he doesn’t want to do. (I am not saying that a person with severe autism and less control would not react).
OP do not cut yourself off from your family but protect yourself by ensuring you are not alone with your DN. Once she knows you are serious your DS may decide she needs to get more assistance in dealing with her son’s behaviour at home, but do not allow her to successfully emotionally blackmail you.
Good luck