To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

Because it's not a perfectly reasonable rationale in my opinion.

I would've thought that would be perfectly obvious to you?

My problem is that she is unwilling to take any action so who’s to say she would take action if she witnessed it first hand?

But he wasn't actually having a meltdown or he would of seriously hurt the OP. He's roughly the same size as her and has trained at kickboxing for 7 years. He was actually in really good control of himself hence the bite not being as severe as we would expect.

So no that wasn't an autistic meltdown that was a teenager bullying his auntie

So why didn’t you respond to her when she explained her rationale?

Why keep bringing up the same point again and again to different posters?

Respectfully, I disagree.

my grandchildren’s behaviour and concentration improved radically since their parents decided to really limit their screen time. Too often it is used to occupy children.

That's quite an assumption

And you think she's just going to continue tucking into her turkey, completely ignoring an attack on her sister by her son otherwise?

And your mum too?

Has he ever bitten or physically attacked you before

It’s sounds like you want your nephew to be disciplined so you feel valued - this isn’t a good reason to discipline a child and any kind of punishment is not going to be effective because it won’t stop him from doing it again when he is overwhelmed. Your sister has to address the root cause of the dysregulation.

Your feelings are absolutely valid through and I you shouldn’t feel guilt tripped into going to Christmas.

Are your grandchildren autistic?

Because I want to.

And given your own posting style across many different threads on this forum, I would've thought you'd definitely understand that.

You’re conflating two separate issues. You either feel safe around him or you don’t. so you either need to say you’re comfortable being around him at Christmas or you aren’t and base your decision around that. Getting your sister to challenge or discipline him will, by the sounds of it, have no impact at all so she’d only be doing it to appease you - it wouldn’t make him any less likely to do it again. Practical steps that increase the possibility of him staying regulated are much more likely to ensure your safety that a random telling off for being dysregulated.

Your attitude isn’t unusual by the way, it’s just rooted in misunderstandings surrounding neurodiversity and this persistent belief that not telling them off is ‘doing nothing’ or letting them get away with it.

Well I don’t know. To her it’s clearly not a big deal so who knows

OP if you don’t feel safe or you feel like your sister only values you for free babysitting (based on your updates it sounds like that might be the case) then honestly screw them and go with your partner to his parents!!

Just stop with the ultimatums and trying to dictate how your sister parents. Maybe there’s something in her approach that you don’t understand or maybe she is doing a crappy job with discipline, IDK, but you’re not going to change it and nor should you be trying. All you can do is decide where you draw your own boundaries.

Does he behave towards his mum like this? If so this may be why she is under reacting as it’s probably common for her to get hurt too? No it’s definitely not ok but he is autistic but it sounds like he knows what he can and can’t get away if he is at mainstream school. Was it because you entered his room and mum was out I.e - change in routine? No one can tell what the right thing to do is as no one on here knows him. I wouldn’t babysit but it does sound like your sister needs support. I would still attend Christmas I think.

It's no different to the posters assuming he couldnt control himself yet he knew when to stop biting didn't he.

I'm autistic and so is my daughter, autistic children can still have temper tantrums like neurological children, not every outburst is a meltdown. Some of it is just typical kid behaviour. Hence him not drawing blood like many asd bites do

He's 14 so should know not to bite and I wouldn't be babysitting again, that's for sure. All those leaping to defend him, he will be an adult male soon. Will you be as sympathetic when he's treating future partners the same way?

I thought he was 'nearly the same size as you? Now he's taller than you?

Of course you know.

Don't be so ridiculous.

He is nearly the same size as me. He’s only a couple of inches taller - that’s nearly the same size (well, height. He’s a lot more muscular than I am)

except that people who do know about autism and dysregulation have pointed out that if he had genuinely lost control, the bite would have been a lot worse which is my (way less experienced) experience too.

I disagree too, I know how my own child behaves when in meltdown, they know it's wrong so keep a level of control but still can't fully stop themselves.

Defence? This isn’t a law court.

For many autistic children this is fact.

People don't want to listen to reason they just want to tell the OP she's unreasonable when she's really not