To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

As I’ve said, he has capacity. Yes I do think the police would take action against an assault!

Then the mother should have said so!!!

I would want him disciplined for that, too. I'd punish mine for it, overstimulated or not. That Ipad would be history. I wouldn't do Christmas with them either, fuck that for a lark.

Thankfully neither of mine bite, 3 year old is hard work as very rigid in her little routines but would never let her get away with that. Older one just slopes off with headphones if it gets too much for him.

My third bit me once as a toddler and I was so shocked that I slapped him upside the head and called him by our horses name. ( Usually the only bitey fuckers around me are ponies so I reacted on instinct and swatted at him.) He was so surprised he let go, started laughing and then couldn't remember what he was tantrumming over. Never did it again though.

You should put your safety first and so YANBU for not attending the family Christmas. I took a similar decision some years ago as I will not tolerate violence.

However it up to your sister to parent her child and YABU for telling her what to do.

That kind of punishment doesn’t work. They don’t make the link between action and consequence. Presumably screen time and martial arts helps him regulate, so taking them away will only make things worse. A punishment will have no bearing on whether he becomes overwhelmed again.

I am extremely sympathetic though as the parent of a biter. It’s really hard to manage apart from removing triggers. It is amazing that your nephew has found a positive outlet for his aggression and there haven’t been incidents in a long time. It sounds like it could be a one-off and she is trying not to escalate it or put too much attention on it.

That is nearly the same height as me?

Why are you attacking, OP? She’s not the one who has attacked anyone or accepted anyone being attacked.

But if the OP's sister stops a bit of screen time, the OP will go to the family Christmas.

So it's got nothing to do with not wanting to be harmed, unless she truly believes it's going to stop his behaviour completely?

Yes, it's called being dysregulated. It's common in autistic people when overwhelmed. I get the feeling you think kick-boxing and attending mainstream somehow means he's not autistic anymore. It can take a very very long time (if ever) for neurodivergent children to learn to regulate and he's a hormonal teen on top. Most parents of neurodivergent children know how and when to address such challenges. It's best to address what causes the overwhelm in the first place so it doesn't happen rather than simply punishing after.

Sorry I think you are being U.

I would definitely not be babysitting on your own again but I think you would be overreacting not to go to a family Christmas where your sister, mum and other members of the family will be there and can help you/ him. I totally understand why you’re upset but I’d give it a few days to cool down before you make a final decision.

There's a lot of victim blaming on this thread.

Good God! If the 14 year old was that likely to be dysregulated the mother should have prepped both her son and the sitter with strict rules for engagement. How is this OP’s fault?

I get it, I'd be really hurt if my family were reacting like this if I'd been physically assaulted. She probably isn't thinking about how you feel in all of this tbh, she will just be focused on her son won't she ( I'm not saying that's okay )

It's probably easier for her to place the blame on your reaction than to be honest with herself and say she's got a problem parenting him.

Your not wrong OP but I don't think there's anything you can do at this point. Do you have a partner who can support you right now?

I also don't think he was out of control last night tbh, with how tall you say he is and how much training he has, he could of hurt you even worse last night, the fact he didn't shows that he had some self control in the whole situation

It really depends on his capacity. Is he capable of writing you an apology letter? If so then I think he should.

Why do you keep ignoring OP’s perfectly reasonable rationale and keep beating this point to death?

The other things you say about him shouting, banging doors, being prepared to bite his own aunt, this is all deeply concerning. He is able to function in mainstream school and may well get a girlfriend soon. Is she going to just have to suck this up? Abuse by children against parents is only just being recognised, and as always, it's adolescent men with strength (gained by martial arts as well) against more vulnerable women. His poor sister.

It does not sound like a case where he's so disabled that he requires holding/restraining as with some people whose autism manifests more severely and in those instances, pretty much all the people around them have training in how to do that safely- and sometimes the parents do get attacked in their own homes too. In my experience, parents with children of this severity do not ask relatives to babysit for this exact reason!

Him going to a favourite place today- they are enabling him to behave without consequences. Frightening. He's not a small child and if in a criminal setting would not be treated like one either.

I just wrote out a long reply and deleted it because it's clearly pointless as I see you've just said this "If he could explain that to her today, why couldn’t he say it last night?" - that says everything I need to know. Autistic people can't communicate during a meltdown, that's literally the point. That's why he couldn't describe it last night.

You clearly know very little about autism.

You aren't in the wrong for not wanting to babysit again.
You aren't in the wrong for feeling upset that he's bitten your arm.
You aren't in the wrong for asking your sister to address the subject with him.

You do seem to be dramatically overblowing events though while simultaneously refusing to accept the difficulties that come with autism.

You've admitted Christmas isn't actually about your safety, it's about you feeling "valued".

If you don't want to go over at Christmas, then don't. You are entitled to draw your own line in the sand regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Your sister has got enough on her plate. Parenting an autistic child is tough and there are lots of challenges along the way. It's fine for you to feel as if you don't want to be part of providing extended family support - it's not for everyone.

You think the police are going to take action against an autistic 14 year old for biting his aunt, because he didn't want to put his screen away at bedtime?

They're really really not.

If she took those actions I’d feel as though she takes the behaviour seriously and would be willing to step in if he attacked me at Christmas.

I think the OP's problem is that without consequence then what's to stop it happening again? And if everyone is relatively ok with it, then OP can just be collateral.

In my opinion, I think going at Christmas would be fine as others are there but I can see why the OP is uneasy.

yup and that says to me deliberate choice not meltdown or dysregulation.

Truly depressing. If it was a man being attacked, there would be different responses.

What does your partner have to say about this situation? Does he spend time around your family? Why is he not going there for Christmas with you?

I’m looking at your name and wondering if there’s more to past family situations.

I agree with you! I said the mum should’ve been specific with times if it’s what may have contributed!

Because I think she's being ridiculous. It's a nasty thing that happened but the answer is don't look after him again and don't try to parent or discipline him. Not to avoid him and the rest of her family because he didn't say sorry hard enough.