To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

So the sister should never have asked OP to drive five hours to look after her children.

Nope. The problem is she was viciously assaulted for no reason, feels terrified of the strong male who asaulted her, was emotionally abused by his mother and grandmother when they attempted to minimise and dismiss the assault, and some women are trying to victim blame and instruct her to ignore her safety, feelings and rights in favour of her sister and nephew.

I've asked for my comment to be deleted, on reflection it wasn't remotely helpful. I think I was responding to my own experiences of being told to punish my autistic child for things beyond her control rather than to what you actually wrote, sorry.

If you don't feel safe around him then it's not about him being disciplined. Whether she disciplines him or not, you still won't want to be at Christmas events with him so stop making it about the lack of discipline and your family won't think you are just trying to make a point by not coming.

She has answered this point repeatedly. You don't have to read the whole thread to comment usefully, but you absolutely do have to read all the OPs responses to do so.

Well if you're supporting an adult who is severely affected by their autism that they need to have someone with them when they are out, then they must be low functioning. Has the person you support ever assaulted anyone whilst in public?

Cutting off contact would be extreme, but where has OP said she will do that?

The title of the thread

In the thread title “To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore unless…”.

I believe it.

When I was punched in the stomach by a neurotypical teenage boy, his excuse to a a specialist organisation was that I'd 'got in the way' when he was being defending himself.

The reality was that he'd been in the process of attacking another boy and that - for medical reasons - I was trying to keep out of the way and to phone for back-up.

When I refused to make an appointment for a restorative conversation with the boy, apparently I was in the wrong.

Fuck having to sit in a room with the man - or boy - who assaulted you. Well done for refusing.

I think if he is capable of apologising he should be asked to do that. But I don’t think the restrictions you are suggesting will achieve anything. His screens and kickboxing clearly help him regulate so taking these away would be counter productive and likely result in more of this behaviour which you don’t want. apologising would be good.

at Xmas family will be there so I would like to think they would step in and stop or remove him should something similar happen. I think you are only spiting yourself by not going.

you should refuse to babysit again though.

My oldest son is a secondary teacher. I couldn't do the job you did and he does. It's stressful and he is always working at night. Most of the pupils are great (he thinks they are the best part of the job) but inclusion and the assumption of mainstream has made all of your jobs harder.

and @Anonymouseposter Thanks both - 34 pages in and I'd forgotten the title! 😜

The only reason I mentioned myself and my background is because the PP was suggesting that I have no knowledge or experience, unlike others on this thread. The implication was that I don’t know what I’m talking about, hence my explanation. I’m not suggesting that I’m some kind of supreme font of knowledge, just that I have knowledge too, just like many others who have commented.

While I completely agree that being autistic and being in a temper aren’t mutually exclusive, the sister warned the OP that her nephew was struggling and overstimulated. OP also implied he wasn’t able to use words to object. All of that suggests to me that he was having a meltdown. The fact that he didn’t continue when she left the room doesn’t mean he was suddenly fine; it may have just been easier for him to control without someone on his space. My son often switches between external meltdown and internal shutdown so it’s not unusual.

Obviously though none of us were there and are reliant on the OP’s (rather shaky) version of events.

Happy to agree to disagree.

Sorry but I wouldn't go and sit all day with the expectation that if something happened people would step in. The OP has a less stressful option.

Agreed. Many members of my family are on the spectrum - the diagnosis used to be Asperger's and OCD, though some younger members also have a diagnosis of dyslexia.

Some of us struggle socially and we now realise that there's been a great deal of masking with some of us, but we're high-functioning enough to hold down decent jobs etc and a few of us have degrees. I accept that that might not be the case for the OP's nephew, but if he can follow martial arts instruction, then it seems that he's intelligent.

Yep. The victim blaming minimisers (her sister and mother) have made it clear she will be expected to just get over being assaulted in a shocking and distressing fashion.

OP should definitely just avoid the stress. No need for it at all. She will be happy, and safe, elsewhere on Christmas day and she need never babysit again.

This isn't about autism so much as a smart enough child whose parent needs to help them understand that their behaviour has hurt and upset someone and so they must apologise and that means they'll try very hard not to let it happen again - in this case I'd imagine it's by learning to recognise feelings of overwhelm and how to manage them, even if possible how to signal that to a carer so that there's a clear and predictable way of dealing with it. I can see why you're reacting the way you are. Your DN needs his mum to help him grow into a decent human adult and it seems like she's not doing it, rather she's teaching him he can behave like this and it's ok cos autism, which puts you and others at an unknown, and potentially increasing level of risk.

Agree!

I think that even a 14 year old "overstimulated" autistic child should have learned that it is not acceptable to bite anyone. And if being on an iPad till 10.30 is overstimulating then your sister should have spelled out exactly what time he should have gone to bed.

I think that you are absolutely justified in your reaction and I don't think you did anything wrong.

I think that at the very least your sister should have expressed concern about you and told him not to bite people.

I don't think it's about punishment, I think it's about your safety. Right now, your sister hasn't reassured you that he will never bite you again, and that you're justified in not going for Christmas. Why would you put yourself in danger, particularly when no-one has acknowledged that he was unsafe.

I am utterly shocked by PPs minimising the assault on you. As far as I'm aware, children learn not to bite around three years old.

Autism isn't an excuse. It may be a reason, but that doesn't mean it should go by without consequence.

I'm so sorry he did this to you. Spend Christmas with your DH's family.

Sometimes our families only know how much they've hurt us when we give them consequences. You are not ruining their Christmas, their lack of care and respect for you has ruined the relationship for now.

Your Christmas should be filled with love and joy.

How can you guarantee OP’s safety from an incredible kickboxer who has shown aggression to his mum and sister and has assaulted his aunt?

Who will step in, the grandmother who is so scared of being overpowered by him that she refuses to be alone with him?

The mum who has basically told Op that her safety is unimportant compared to her son’s feelings?

There's also the abuse she has endured at her mother and sister's hands. It is genuinely abusive to minimise assault, on top of trauma it causes secondary wounding. Instructing someone just to move on from being assaulted has never, in the history of history, helped them to do so.

In fact, by behaving so badly, her mother and sister have caused the OPs distress and fear to increase, and have shot themselves in the foot.

I daresay she would never have babysat her nephew again regardless.

But an acknowledgement of the shocking and genuinely frightening nature of the assault, a promise that her sister would talk to him about it seriously, an apology however basic from her nephew for the assault, and OPs own mother and sister offering her a few kind words and a moment or two of compassion or empathy, and I pretty much guarantee the thread would not have been written and OP would not feel the need to stand her ground and remove herself from Christmas dinner.

The response by the sister and mother has been a masterclass in how to make things far worse for the teenage boy, themselves and how to escalate an already heated situation.

I think that at the very least your sister should have expressed concern about you and told him not to bite people.

I think that at the very least her DSis should accept that she isn’t prepared to babysit again. Instead she’s guilt tripping her about it and their DM too! She should also be telling her DS off and insisting that he apologises for hurting his auntie, who he should care about.

The lack of empathy is appalling, and I think the OP should feel completely justified in staying away at Christmas.