To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

And what leads you to that conclusion?

I will if it happens.

Ok, I'll play.

Can you quote the question you said I was asking?

No because on rereading it, you didn't ask a question, so I was wrong! See, told you I would admit it 😂

FFS fair enough! 🤣🤣

Certainly not a single word the OP has written or anything based on reality, so I have to guess her vicious, bullying conclusion is based on her own prejudice, bias and projection.

😂

What??

What?

People are clueless when it comes to ND. Is the OP? No idea

But surely you agree if it's your child and you're asking someone to look after them, you should explain what bedtime looks like?

You asked what led her to that conclusion.

My answer is that it's her own projection, bias and prejudice that have led her to write such a viciously bullying comment.

OP i understand where you’re coming from. if she doesn’t tell him off or challenge this behaviour, then he may think it’s okay to hurt people. based on what you’ve said, it seems as though he has quite a clear understanding of right/wrong but i do understand not having his parent looking after him potentially overwhelming him.

i guess i can see both sides but i also agree with a PP who mentioned potentially having your sister speak to the kickboxing instructor as he may be more likely to listen to them. i think if she can manage to do this then it’s worth going to christmas day, but i think her not taking it seriously is quite frustrating, as he could do this to other people who are not so nice.

deleted

I definitely agree.

I used the word vicious and stated she made a vicious bullying comment. Which she did.

You asked What? And now you've had it explained to you despite claiming you already understood, which means there was absolutely no point in saying "What?" and there's no more to say.

Responded before you changed the comment to "deleted". Edited to add - oh I see you thought I was talking about the OP. That makes more sense!

OP, you aren't being unreasonable to expect a genuine acknowledgment of what happened to you, and that it was wrong, from your sister. It sounds as if you felt dismissed, and I know you mention not feeling valued. None of this is unreasonable to expect.

The difficulty is how you are going about it. I'm not excusing any assault, but the picture doesn't reflect what you said happened - if he had indeed bitten down for that long a period, you would have clearly broken skin, teeth marks and blood. You don't. It looks like he grabbed you and 'bit' using his lips. Still wrong, still an assault, and of course you were deeply upset and afraid.

You are now trying to force your DSis to take action to make you feel better but which won't have any impact on your nephew or future action he might take, and might make it worse.

I think if you spoke honestly to your DSis about how you feel, and how upsetting it was, and explained that an acknowledgement of that would mean a lot, that might help.

I also agree that you shouldn't babysit again, it is not fair to you to potentially be hurt when doing your DSis a favour.* *

Suspicion, not conclusion. However, this is a red flag

At the moment I don’t think it’s broken the skin…

what the fuck does that mean? Either it’s broken or it isn’t, obviously it isn’t. There are no teeth marks, it’s her word against someone else’s. He can’t defend himself on this thread and I just personally call bullshit on some of this. Not even looking at it it after it happened? bullshit. Don’t believe it.
and I think she’s being histrionic about not wanting to be around him as if her sister would actually allow him to attack her and not do anything, this is incredibly dramatic and unnecessary. I have an autistic teen and have been here myself.
Doesn’t mean it’s okay for whatever to have happened to leave that mark on her arm, but she is trying to milk The living crap out of this situation hence has lost my sympathy.

apologies.

😱

I think, without undermining the experience and how OP feels about it, we have to accept there are holes.

20 seconds is a long time. That’s not what being bitten for that long looks like. As there are no teeth marks, he wasn’t “latched on” so could have been removed.

It’s likely it felt like forever because the situation was stressful. But it being factually 20 seconds, I doubt. She’d have no arm left.

The arm hurting in the shower but not in the 5hr drive home. It either hurts or it doesn’t. Looking at it, it would have hurt at the time. It needed cold compression, it’ll have been throbbing all night.

Again, probably explainable - once OP was in her own home and away from the situation, she’s had chance to feel how she feels about it.

But I don’t think it’s bullying to think “hmm, odd,” especially when you have any experience with bitey children.

So, as PP correctly guessed; projection.

Glad your post was deleted.

Your sister should be following up on this. She should be taking it seriously. It’s just that you shouldn’t get to dictate the parameters or know the details.

She should also not want you to babysit again. It causes her son distress. It puts him in a situation that he can’t handle.

The problem on this thread isn’t that you are upset this happened or that you are unhappy with your sister’s reaction. The problem is that you are focusing on having a child offer a trite apology as a solution to a much deeper issue.

so who did your teen attack and how badly?

You absolutely did attach blame in your final paragraph: "not Babysitting anymore is a given for both of you though if you cannot appropriately manage the environment to the point where that is happening."
You also minimised OP's feelings by writing "But he didn’t. I mean - that’s really not severe." and then you told OP she was "overreacting to a degree." Followed by "If he knows he needs to apologise and has capacity to do that then by all means accept the apology and move on." How can OP accept an apology when one hasn't even been offered, by either her DN or DSis?
You post is a lesson in classic victim-blaming.