To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

What danger was her nephew in? Also, how is her not wanting to be around him at Christmas emotional blackmail?

If the bruise was so sore that 'the shower water running over it made it hurt', you really should've taken a second to roll your sleeve up and take a quick peek. Incase you needed medical attention.

Well she obviously saw it in the shower as she had taken the jumper off to get in.

OP you’ve had a pretty hard time from some people on here.
Being attacked by a larger stronger teenaged boy must’ve been incredibly scary, and I’m not surprised you don’t feel safe around him. He could have hurt you so much more, and even though he must have moderated what he did (the bite could have been even worse), it’s still scary that he wanted to hurt you.
If he was likely to have had that kind of violent response to being told that it was bedtime as part of your conversation, your sister should have explained and given clear instructions about how exactly to behave and what to say, what time, what you should do about bed. If she didn’t, then how were you to know?
Autism can explain why he reacted that way, but it doesn’t make it ok. Millions of autistic people go about their lives without hurting or scaring people. Being asked to go to sleep should not elicit that extreme response. If he can have that kind of violent response to bedtime, what kind of response might he have to other kinds of interactions that might occur in everyday life? If he thinks it’s ok to hurt someone because he is disregulated, what else might he do? There is a real risk that he will seriously hurt someone.
People are focussing on the original suggestions of punishment, but what you are really wanting from your sister is an acknowledgment that what he did was not ok, and for him to understand that that was not ok.
Don't babysit for him again, it is not safe for you to do so. Maybe let things settle then think about how you feel about Christmas nearer the time.
It might be worth talking to your sister again, but after a bit of time when things have settled. She may need support but you can only do what you can do without putting yourself at risk.
Maybe also see if you can speak to your niece, find out how she is and whether she ever feels unsafe? I don’t know how old she is but maybe she can have the odd sleepover or day at yours? So she knows she has somewhere to go if she needs space?

Yes, 24 hours later because she didn't get time to roll her sleeve up she said.

Agree....

The DN, in the Dsis own words was already over stimulated when the OP arrived so allowing him to have his iPad would have only contribute to the situation

Your DSis needs to start taking more responsibility, knowing her disabled DC was over stimulated while letting him use his iPad at that time of night yet still leaving him and going out was just irresponsible.

Never in your life should you feel you have to apologise to those that have assaulted you.
It's not you that's in the wrong here.

You are spectacularly missing the point here 🤦‍♀️

@Differentforgirls surely the onus was on the sister to explain exactly how to handle her son at bedtime?

This ^ with bells on.

So she explained why and yet you asked again?

I didn't ask anything 🤷‍♂️

I don't think you're following the thread very well.

I pointed out the OP should've taken a few seconds to roll her sleeve up and take a quick peek at the bite, rather than leave it until 24 hours later.

As she's said it was extremely painful, she might've needed medical treatment.

Although most people would've taken a quick look out of curiosity too.

Not justifying biting but that really doesn’t look that bad..the skin isn’t even broken! I think cutting off contact is extreme. Her life must be extremely difficult. But if she won’t address it at all then telling her you don’t want to babysit for him anymore is a more appropriate response. If he has autism and that’s part of his behaviour, “disciplining” him won’t work anyway. Other strategies might, but if she won’t try anything then I think it’s reasonable to refuse to babysit

You do realise that on this extremely long thread, there are several points being made?

Mine was simply if you have a very painful injury, it's not wise to leave it for 24 hours without quickly grabbing up your sleeve and looking at it.

I am following the thread thanks and have read all your posts blaming the OP. She only knew how bad it was as even the water in the shower hurt it.

What YOU think she SHOULD have done is neither here nor there, nor is what you imagine "most people" would have done..

Maybe you can't understand that people react to situations differently?

I would not be providing so much as one minute more childcare for your sister- she is managing him in the way she has chosen so leave her to it. You may not agree with her style and she will have to deal with any consequences and fall out from it herself.

i would go for Christmas lunch, be polite and not be alone with him. If he was overwhelmed by you asking him to go to bed, Christmas Day could be quite eventful. Make it clear that if he does kick off, you will be leaving immediately even if you are mid sprout.

Do you know that the 'police will arrest someone for assult regardless of any disability' for fact? Or is that an assumption? May or may not be the case for the OP, impossible to know the nuances of the situation, but certainly not been my experince of the police, who have always been very understanding of the person I suppport.

Ah, so it was YOU who wasn't following the thread. 😊

Where is the boys father ?

This really stands out to me. At the moment I don’t think it’s broken the skin… what you mean is no it hasn’t broken the skin. I’m sorry but this comes across as you’re really trying to milk the situation

Does the person you support bite people?

I am so shocked at many of the posters here victim blaming and telling OP she’s wrong for how she feels. I don’t know if anyone has met a 14 year old boy but they are big and strong. He manages to regulate himself around others but this attack, and yes it’s an attack, is being put down to his being overwhelmed or OPs fault for not getting him to bed earlier. She was held for 20 seconds by someone biting on her arm not knowing if he would escalate this to something stronger. Sit and count for 20 seconds, it’s actually quite a while in the scheme of things. I think if the OPs sister had shown more empathy for her and acknowledged how scared she was that would go some way to not making the OP feel she’s overreacting. Then the sister needs to have a talk with her son about why he acted like that. He’s managing fine in mainstream school where I’m sure that’s more overwhelming each day and goes to a hobby which is a lot of control of body and mind in it. I have adhd DCs and dgc. We had a terrible incident with dgc when he was a baby when his dad bit him in a moment of aggression. Social services and the police was involved and his dad wasn’t allowed unsupervised access to him and we haven’t actually seen him in years. Biting is a serious assault. Sorry OP you’re being made to feel like you can’t have any emotions about this.

Saying "sorry" while blaming the OP doesn't make it any better.

I am so sorry this happened. It's an awful shock.

I also had a DC who appeared very "normal" a lot of the time. This could really fool people into thinking it was all fine. But when things got too much for him he still lashed out. It didn't happen often but sometimes at school because at home we knew the risks and we knew the signs something was up and we could always put safety first. At school they would just see a lively clever rather cheeky kid and with so many staff and kids they didn't always realise. They sometimes did things we would just never have done with DS - the last time he was 12 and a TA had tried to physically block him, I would never do that unless another child was in danger.

But flipping this round, sometimes close family forget that there's a limit to what we can expect from other people. We misjudge. I could get so used to adapting that I'd sometimes forget the rest of the world doesn't do this. Your family have no right to decide that it's OK for you to be bitten. It's not.

Also, your nephew should apologise. He should even still do it even if he doesn't "feel" sorry because learning to apologise is part of learning to feel sorry. I used to get DC to write apology letters and hand them over - he was better at writing them than saying them. In fact the more ashamed he felt the harder it was for him to apologise, but that didn't let him out of making the effort.

And finally - no you don't have to attend family Christmas. Ignore nonsense about "ruining family Christmas", it is already ruined if you are spending the whole time worrying you're going to get hurt again. And I would certainly not be "babysitting" him again. It's not safe.

YNBU for setting boundaries. But I don’t think the boundary should be cutting off your sister and making threats about Christmas Day.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You were the one who mistakenly thought I'd asked a question when I hadn't.

Do try to keep up but if you do happen to make a mistake (understandable on a very long thread), at least have the good grace to admit it.