To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

I’ve said, I covered it up and then I was just busy. I had to sort the kids out the next day and then get myself
home

Of course I would - I didn’t say otherwise but the sister said she reprimanded her son, what more does the Op want.

It’s awful but I wouldn’t act the way the OP is now - if he did it again well that’s a different story

She hasn’t reprimanded him. She asked why he did it and that was it

I'm not actually saying she is.

'AIBU?'

'Yes'

'No, I'm not!'

'Ok. Why did you ask?'

You do realise that people react differently to situations?

I find it hard to figure out why you're on the thread at all then.

How long ago was your DNephew's diagnosis @IGrewUpInTheFallOut, because - and I mean this as gently as possible - it doesn't sound as if you have much of an idea about what being on the Autistic spectrum actually means, especially in relation to your DN? You acknowledge that his behaviour has quite recently improved a lot, so presumably you recognised before that, that he was not very good at self-regulating himself? But then young NT children also have to learn to self-regulate, and that often isn't easy for them either.

Do you have any children yourself OP? I'm sorry if you have already shared that information with us (unfortunately - and mentioned with some embarrassment - I don't know how to leave this post to check your pp, without losing what I have already written when I try to come back 🤔🙄) After seeing your photo of the 'bite', it really doesn't look as if he ever meant to really hurt you, it hasn't broken the skin, and as you say, he is nearly as tall as you, and quite a bit stronger, so if he had intended to hurt you, he could have done so quite easily.

I think that maybe he was just really frustrated with you, as you didn't mention going up to see him about 20-30 minites before you wanted him to go to bed, in order to warn him that his bedtime was approaching, and perhaps even asking him if he would like you to bring him up a hot chocolate or something? Did his DM tell you what his bedtime routine is, maybe you didn't follow it quite closely enough? If you do love and care about your DN, and indeed your DSis too, I think that it would be a very good idea to read some books about how Autism can affect children from a very early age - even if your DN wasn't diagnosed so early - so that you could hopefully see a pattern emerging, and progressing throughout his childhood.

If you don't have children of your own, maybe reading some articles and/or books concerning the childhoods of various NT children would also help you, especially with putting their behaviours into some kind of context. Of course, it is quite unlikely that you will read anything about a child who's trajectory is almost the same as your DN's, but hopefully it would help you to understand - even a little bit - how very uncomfortable, and even traumatised, a person with a ND diagnosis - and particularly a ND child - can get. Obviously, anyone who has a ND MH condition, will be one of thousands or even millions of individuals (depending on the size of the place you are reading about, eg a small town, a city, a country, a continent, or even the world).

Therefore, if you want to get a good overall picture of all things Autistic, you may need to read many articles and books, and listen to some recorded lectures, and very importantly, get as much information as possible - through whatever medium - straight from the parents of children with Autism, and/or other ND conditions, and when possible, also from adults who have the condition themselves. One of the early truths you will discover, is that when children with Autism appear to act badly , it is almost certainly because they are in a bad/scary/sad (mental) place, these children must not be punished because of something they have little or no control over. If you don't believe anything else, please believe that punishing a child for what you consider to be just naughty behaviour, is probably the worst thing you can do.

Tell your sister you won't ever babysit him again. I'd still go to Xmas but keep your distance from him. Your sister should have spoken to him so he understands what he did was wrong and he should apologise to you. Just saying he was overwhelmed won't wash in real life. He can't go around biting people or he will be reported to the police. Your sister does him no favours by not making him face the consequences of his actions.

But he didn’t. I mean - that’s really not severe. He’s not broken the skin there’s redness but no bruising and I’m struggling to see any teeth marks…. That means he was frustrated but was able to control his action enough - he didn’t want or intend to hurt.

i think perhaps you are overreacting to a degree. If he knows he needs to apologise and has capacity to do that then by all means accept the apology and move on.

emotionally blackmailing your family into disciplining a ND child by threatening to not attend Christmas is pretty shitty.

how will them doing that make you less scared??

not Babysitting anymore is a given for both of you though if you cannot appropriately manage the environment to the point where that is happening.

The explanation given is not necessarily unreasonable. If it was a genuine autistic meltdown he wouldn't have been fully in control of his actions. If this was the case some sort of arbitrary punishment also wouldn't seem very appropriate. There was quite possibly much more going on in the lad's head at this point in time that the OP wasn't aware of and his mother had pre warned her of this. So while his actions seem out of all proportion to the OP's ask of him, they might have been for him the final straw.

A 3 way conversation sounds like an excellent suggestion.

You’re not wrong to want some understanding and reassurance from your sister. Your experience sounds terrifying.

It’s not fair of your sister to have asked you to be in a position where that could happen without fully briefing you on how to de-escalate, how to prevent it in the first place etc. If this happens to her so often that she can brush it off as nothing, then it’s absolutely something she needs to warn any potential babysitters about in advance.

Your nephew isn’t far off being a full grown man. If he’s going to have a good, semi independent life (which it sounds like he’ll be capable of), then he needs to understand that violence towards others isn’t acceptable even in moments of deep distress. This is for his own safety and happiness as well as the people around him who are not (and should not be) responsible for preventing violent outbursts. A fully grown man behaving this way with someone has the potential for real, lasting harm.

It sounds like there’s an element of your sister not wanting to acknowledge that her son, who she loves and cares for, is at an age where he now poses a real physical threat to people. That’s bound to be a very scary thing for her to recognise. Also, while it sounds like kick boxing has done wonders for him, I’d question whether teaching him more effective ways to hurt people is appropriate (although perhaps the strict emphasis on not using the skills to hurt will have a positive effect on regulating violent actions when distressed).

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your sister where you tell her what you’re feeling and what you want. I’m not sure if you’ve managed to express all you’re feeling to her clearly yet, or whether you’ve just asked for punishment. Maybe it’s worth saying clearly (but without judgement) how frightened you are by him, and explaining that you need reassurance from her that she’ll protect you if he attacks you again, if you haven’t done so already.

You can apologise for the way you first expressed your fears if you feel you need to, but it’s not wrong to be frightened by what happened, and to need assurance from your sister that she’ll have your back if it happens again.

Please, as someone who knows a bit about this, please don't end every instruction to a child with, "Is that OK?" It misrepresents the reality of the interaction (as PPs have said, what if they say, "No, it's not?")

You could give an instruction gently: "You have 10 more minutes, after which it's lights out so you can have a good sleep and enjoy playing tomorrow just as much."

You could offer a genuine, meaningful (and strategic!) bargain from which they can learn: "You have a choice. You can take 10 more minutes now and then read for 10 minutes, or you can read for all 20 minutes."

You could present a rhetorical question from which they can absorb a message: "Stopping in 10 minutes will mean you enjoy training tomorrow even more, won't it?"

I think repeated "Is that OKs?" can be an unconscious attempt to soften messages that actually need to be very clear, including - particularly for! - autistic children: "I am the adult establishing there are routines to be followed," and "These routines are in your best interests." It may aim to make the child - and parent! - feel better and safer, but is actually misrepresents important things as a choice entirely in the hands of the child, when they're not. If it is a choice - say so! If it isn't, don't. Not least as there won't be equivalent choices or get-outs in the future ("I need you to unpack these products right now, Bob, is that OK?")

Ok, great.

For what it's worth, if OP doesn't feel safe, then don't babysit. But also don't tell others how to parent in a situation that is incredibly nuanced and difficult. And, as a parent of an ND child, even those closest to you have zero idea of the challenges. No matter how many times they are spelled out.

Is that better?

It was her fault then?

Eh? The majority of people have said OP is not being unreasonable though?

So if your child was bitten by an autistic 14 year old child at school your response would be 'oh never mind these things happen, the child can't help it as they are autistic'.

Not really because surely the onus was on the sister to explain exactly how to handle her son at bedtime?

It is because he’s autistic and has overwhelmed, they’re not wrong.

The OP has said she doesn’t want to babysit and the sister is moaning that she won’t be able to have her nights off anymore.

The OP doesn't want to be around nephew when no effort at acknowledging what he did has been made by the sister or nephew, but her sister is moaning that OP is ruining Christmas,

The OP is not the problem here.

The sister was wrong to proceed with having OP babysit when he was already overwhelmed, in that case.

Her night out came first.

It’s very easy for people not in the same situation to judge how your sister is handling this , your nephew would probably not react typically to the type of parenting that would be appropriate for many teenagers. I understand that it would have been nice for her to show a bit more concern for you when you were helping her out. I would look at what you can control in this situation and what isn’t your business. It’s entirely appropriate to say that you can’t look after him on your own again as it doesn’t feel safe. On the other hand you can’t try to bully your sister into dealing with her son in the way you think would be better, she’s the parent- not you. You can say that you’re concerned now he’s getting older that he could hurt someone but it’s up to your sister how she reacts to that. She is probably already stressed about it. I think your nephew is extremely unlikely to single you out at a family gathering and attack you, especially if you keep a bit of distance from him. I think upsetting everyone by refusing to be in his presence at all is an overreaction. If you want to go to your partner’s family for Christmas that’s fine but don’t make it a drama and say you’re doing it because of your nephew. Your sister is dealing with a difficult situation on her own, give her a bit of grace.

Don’t put words in my mouth. I didn’t attach any blame because I wasn’t there and didn’t see what happened.

it’s clear enough from the OPs post that the situation was poorly managed and to keep both her and her nephew safe babysitting is probably not workable.

I dont think you should be expected to be physically attacked.And i think you should state that very firmly to your family. Perhaps you shpuld just be around them when others are there and definitely dont babysit. If they are not reasonable about seeing it from your side then they arent showing much sympathy for you are they. Surely they arent daft enough to think its ok for you to be just kind of randomly attacked every now and then..Thats bonkers. .

The nephew was never unsafe, only OP. People will really do anything to neutralise behaviour of some males.

So what was this 14 year old teenager doing? Showing that he had more physical power over her, that if he wanted to he could really hurt her so she had better let him have his own way? What happens when this teenager is out in the adult world and gets frustrated over something then and bites or hits soneone? Would you still be making excuses for him and saying he can't help it due to his autism. That's not how it works. The Police will arrest someone for assault regardless of any disability.