To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

You turned

OP has been attacked. It is in fact irrelevant whether her attacker had autism or not, she is still entitled to feel shocked and upset.
The sister and mother calling the OP selfish for not wanting to babysit are refusing to consider her feelings at all.
Yes, when it comes to potential punishments for the nephew, him being autistic is very relevant and should be taken into account.
But acknowledging that the OP has a right to be upset and to keep herself safe? That has nothing to do with autism.

into

is in fact irrelevant whether her attacker had autism or not

So her whole post was about autism, not just the bit that you cynically used. You didn’t even give that poster the courtesy of quoting her full sentence, which was ‘OP has been attacked. It is in fact irrelevant whether her attacker had autism or not, she is still entitled to feel shocked and upset.’

btw It's always good practice to speak for yourself and not assume/ universalise your perspective- eg "we can all see"...

😂 Nice try but it would have been universal speak if I had said ‘we all feel’.

But when I’m pointing out that you have selectively quoted someone, it’s perfectly reasonable to point out that the original post and your selective quoting is apparent to everyone.

I’ve already explained what happened.

Nutshell!

You definitely shouldn't feel that you have to ‘babysit’, OP. Or feel obliged to go there for Christmas if you feel afraid of your nephew right now.

Neither my DSis nor SIL invite DD1 over for sleepovers anymore, which I accept because she is hard work. I stress that she’s never been violent towards them, just argumentative and refusing to cooperate. (And yes, I know that this is a problem, but the specialist college she’s at are working very well with her.)

OP, it would be great to be a safe harbour for your niece as previous posters have suggested. This would also model for her that she doesn’t have to accept violence at home

👏

Some responses on this thread are absolutely appalling. No need for men to treat women badly, when women are more than happy to tell other women they caused it and it’s nothing.

Yep, and the OP’s sister told OP that ‘In my mind, that’s that’. Basically saying there will be no apology either from the nephew or sister.

I would caution against using this as an example of male on female violence and comparing it to rapists. ND girls can be violent as well, as I've learned! But obviously men can cause a lot more damage, which is why the OP’s nephew’s behaviour is disturbing and needs to be addressed with appropriate urgency.

We have no way of knowing whether it was dysregulation or not, clearly.

Yet more victim blaming. You sound exactly like the type of person who would ask a battered wife what did you do to set him off? Why did you ask him to stop drinking? Why didn't you give him his space?

Do you really not understand why the OP doesn't want to spend Xmas with her family? It's not about sulking, it's about wanting to have a fun, relaxing Christmas spent with people who care about you.

It wouldn't be very relaxing if she is tiptoeing around the nephew. Her mum and sister don't seem to care about her feelings at all. Sounds like a miserable day all round, if I were the OP I'd much prefer spending it with my partner.

💯

Cue loads of comments about what has rape got to with it.

Totally justifiable. You have the right to be kept safe. He can't ground biting members of the public so he shouldn't be doing it with you. If his SN cause him to be violent, he needs medicating.

This is very poor on her DSis’s part. I would have been completely mortified if my DD1 had ever been violent towards anyone else, especially a family member who was looking after her. I used to worry about that happening.

You were attacked in a disgusting, stomach turning way and could not possibly have predicted the assault, and did nothing at all to deserve it.

The attack was carried out by a male who is bigger and stronger than you.

His reasons aren't relevant because you could not possibly have anticipated him biting you and have absolutely no way of knowing if he will savage you again.

His mother and grandmother then told you to suck it up.

Minimising and dismissing an attack and refusing to acknowledge the severity of being bitten by a male who is stronger than you is a form of abuse.

So now you've been both physically attacked and emotionally abused by family members.

You're now rightfully afraid he might assault you again and the minimisers have given zero indication that they care at all about your fears, feelings or have any strategies to keep you safe.

So of course you can and must rightfully choose not to be around people who have given zero indication that they care about your safety or your perfectly valid fears and feelings and can certainly quite justifiably choose not to have to sit in a room with the male who assaulted you.

You certainly owe nobody at all any sort of apology, and you are in the right.

End.

As a SENd parent, I’m actually surprised your sister isn’t self excluding.

We won’t have a Christmas this year. Certainly not in the way others would recognise it. Our families will “gather,” and our son cannot go. He can, if we make him, but it would be completely unfair on all other members of our family - so we don’t. We’ll throw together something that resembles a Christmas dinner at home and make do.

That is the really shit part of having a child who struggles with overwhelm, as OPs sister is saying her son does, but the way most of us deal with that by not taking them and affecting everyone else’s “special” day. We’d try a family lunch, but wouldn’t risk someone’s birthday and Christmas.

Did you not even read the OP’s original post?

”She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.”

Wow, so he bites her and it's all her fault and she must've provoked him? Why don't you just come out and say she deserved it, because that's clearly where your thinking is headed.

Me too, I think most people would, which is why OP is so bewildered by this behaviour.

Has he even been asked to apologise to you?

You aren't being unreasonable at all and I would not go near someone stronger than me who had done that to me with so little justification. Your fear of him is entirely justified, whatever his ND issues, he's an aggressive male with raging hormones.

It’s a symptom of the behaviour of modern times though.

I have to deal with it, so why shouldn’t you…

So he’s hurt you, so what. How can you say you won’t babysit for me again, I won’t ever have a night off!! Someone has to help me!!! You’re ruining my Christmas!!’

See also, allowing your DC to behave however they want, with no consequences, then being shocked when other people don’t want to be around them.

A 14-year old pubescent male that trains in kickboxing (and apparently is pretty good at it) receives no consequence for piss-poor behaviour.

This is a story that is not going to end well for anyone. DSis cannot go through life using autism as an excuse for his violent behaviour. It will likely get worse.

The victim-blaming on this thread is just... wow. OP, you are not unreasonable.

It wasn't cynical at all. The context of her words makes no difference to my point. Her post was in response to one of mine asserting that the ableism on this thread comes from statements that insist the child's autism is irrelevant context to the situation. She responded with exactly such a statement which is what i was highlighting.

it’s perfectly reasonable to point out that the original post and your selective quoting is apparent to everyone

It's not reasonable at all. How do you know what is "apparent to everyone"? Speaking for myself (as one always should) it's certainly not "apparent" to me, i disagree with your interpretations entirely.

I agree - your sister has had his lifetime of managing this and one wrong move (albeit a bad one) and you are acting in this way?

I would be fuming if I was your mother or sister.

In saying that I would maybe never babysit again

You seem very resentful and angry. I'm going to take a guess that while you do a lot to help everyone, nobody has ever put your needs first and you see this as an incident where they absolutely should and still they won't.

I think the incident itself is irrelevant, it's the reactions that have hurt you. The thing is, your sister is always going to put her son before you - so she will do what is best for him and his development, even if you believe it's "not enough".

Your sister spends her life regulating your nephew, she would not sit back and watch him attack you and I think you realise that deep down, but you want something more than that from her.

Take some time to think about what you are really angry about and speak to your mum and sister about that directly. At least then you will know where you stand.

You wouldn't be "fuming" at your son biting your sister?

You’ve just made my point exactly. You think because the sister has to deal with this all the time, OP should suck this up.

That is not how the world works.

Most people would be mortified if their child hurt someone. Thats where the ‘fuming’ should be.

And OP’s main issue is the sister’s (lack of) reaction.