To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

Ah yes, selective quoting at its best.

As for people arguing otherwise - plenty of people on this thread have said the OP should suck it up and keep babysitting and that is also what her mum and sister have said.

I don’t see any value in training people to say things they don’t mean. It’s just lip service.

I agree it needs dealing with, but it needed dealing with then, when it happened.

It’s not a slight on OP at all, ND kids can be tough. The sister shouldn’t be leaving her son, who can be challenging (OP mentions he can be “incredibly angry”) with anyone who doesn’t know what to do with that.

We’re both trained, for example, in how to get of bites and hair pulling etc without hurting anyone. How to manage that behaviour when it happens. How to deliver the “it’s bedtime” message without causing a kick off, and what to do if it causes one anyway.

OP’s sister should be mortified, and apologising for leaving her sister in that position. Unfortunately it sounds to me like if she needs childcare, it should be specialist.

Being autistic doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be violent. In fact, you’re being deeply offensive to the many, many autistic teens out there who are not. OP has said he’s high functioning and able to assert a great degree of control over his actions, practising self discipline all the time at school and martial arts. He chose not to employ that self discipline when he bit her like a dog, then - most importantly - failed to apologise the next morning when he was calm.
This sounds like a child who has been indulged and not given boundaries or reminded of right from wrong.
THAT’S the context.

Actions have consequences.

She has decided to pretend to her son that there is a special class of actions that do not have consequences.

She is wrong, and regrettably you now have to be the one to force this point home.

Personally I would go to Christmas on the basis that other people will be present to physically protect you, but not back down on the matter of “babysitting”.

That is disgusting, autism or not he needs a very strong talking to and consequences.

Imagine if he did that to a stranger in the street. If he chose the wrong person he could get beat up. For his own sake he needs to be told very clearly that this behaviour is unacceptable.

He’s 5’6 now but most likely will have a growth spurt. Imagine a 6ft kick-boxer attacking you.

I would refuse to babysit him and you're well within your right to not want to spend Christmas with a violent teenager.

Being autistic doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be violent.

Nobody said that though. You are just setting up a load of straw men and then dissecting them. What's the point ? 💁🏼‍♀️

The fact that the child is autistic is relevant simply to understanding the context what happened in this situation and how OP's sister/ mum have responded. The fact that some people are refusing to acknowledge disability as relevant context at all are the ones being ableist. They are literally refusing to see/ acknowledge the reality of someone's disability. That's ableism.

OP’s sister clearly said that.

I have a severely autistic adult son who has bitten me and carers when very distressed.

If you don't feel comfortable babysitting him then don't babysit. If you are truly frightened of being around him then don't spend Christmas with him. If it is anger about what he has done then I think you should still go.

Your feelings in response to this attack are completely valid and understandable OP. I definitely wouldn’t be alone with this boy again. I’d probably rather avoid Christmas so soon afterwards, if overstimulation is what is being given as an explanation. Would a busy house, lots of visitors not also be overstimulating? I’d be nervous that he’d kick off again, and if consequences aren’t a thing or are pointless/ineffective, then I’d rather stay away to avoid worse injuries. If I’ve read correctly, he doesn’t attack males, just female relatives?

Appreciate your insight into this as I obviously didn’t have that knowledge. The context of my nephew was more from a ‘I couldn’t imagine cutting him off’, not trying to say I’m a fountain of knowledge all things ND. I would still be surprised that this is the first instance in 14 years the OP has felt like this though, whether she is autistic or not.. I feel there must be some back story.

How so? Evidence?

And if he can explain his behaviour today to your DSis and realise it was wrong, why has he not messaged or phoned you to apologise for his assault with a promise to apologise F2F if/when he sees you at Christmas?
From what you've told us OP, your DN goes to mainstream school and can regulate his behaviour in other settings, including taking instructions at kick-boxing training sessions for some years, so I agree with you - being autistic isn't an excuse for not understanding his actions have consequences.
If I were you I would attend the Christmas gathering but the first thing I would be saying to DN is "Do you have anything to say to me?" and hope that an apology is forthcoming. However, I understand that you need to do what you feel comfortable with. Good luck with whatever you decide. 🤗

She has posted for support, which she absolutely deserves. Many of us don’t think she’s being unreasonable at all.

Have you even read all her posts?

You know we can all see you use selective quoting and ignore that poster’s point, right?

I don't think I'm selective quoting, this was a conversation about ableism, I quoted the relevant part.

btw It's always good practice to speak for yourself and not assume/ universalise your perspective- eg "we can all see"...

Yeah me too.

The situation sounds awful, but this is a big reaction. If the child’s grandma has said she won’t babysit because she’s concerns he’d overpower her - there’s previous behaviour or issue somewhere.

You have completely misunderstood the point.

The point is that any 14 year old male who has displayed a propensity for violence towards women and is not disciplined will feel that he has got away with it and there is a likelihood that his violence towards women will escalate.

I think we all accept that very few rapists commit rape as their first violent act towards women; they have usually come along the foothills by committing lesser violent offences.

In this case, the OP tells us that this male knew what he was doing, appeared to her to be controlled in his sustained bite of her and only shows these violent tendencies towards her, his mother and her gran.

She makes the point that he is often in male company and has never displayed these tendencies towards other men. He is able to control his autism in those circumstances. Odd that.

So, here we have a violent 14 year old male, who is almost the same size as her who attacked her and refuses to make amends.

He is supported in this outrageous attitude by his mother and gran, who insist that because he is autistic the OP should put up and shut up.

I am sure that there are many women on here who have been told exactly the same thing when it comes to male behaviour.

In my opinion, his autism is no excuse at all: if he goes on to commit other violent offences against women-in no small part because he is encouraged to believe that his autism is an excuse then in very short order, we will begin to hear violent thugs use autism in their criminal defence.

Once again, women will be expected to accept this.

This 14 year old, who made a controlled violent attack on the OP and who keeps his head down in male company has absolutely no excuse-none.

If he is allowed to feel that his autism excuses it and that the OP finds herself in the doghouse-not him-then yes, I do feel that that is how rapists are made.

They are not born rapists and violent thugs you know, they work their way up to it in small steps. They don't suddenly go from having respected women and never laid a finger-or tooth-on one to suddenly becoming a rapist. They work up to it.

All women should never accept any excuse for violence towards them and that includes autism.

The victim of male violence should never be blamed even if the male has autism-we must not give away this free pass because believe me, it is a free pass that will be used.

Even in this case, some posters want to blame the OP, say she has exaggerated, the poor boy has autism. You know that is how women victims used to be treated by authority.

That is wrong and we should never accept it, even on a message board.

That's a very long post but I really do feel that some posters need it spelling out in micro steps.

Having read all of OP’s posts, I appreciate where she is coming from. This sounds like a high functioning autistic child who manages very well in the outside world. I have one of these myself (albeit a girl and she is not violent but very explosive at home), and there is absolutely no way in hell that I would tolerate this kind of behaviour towards an extended family member. I can understand why the OP feels she is not a priority and why she doesn’t want to go to the family Christmas. It’s probably upset at her sister’s diminishing of the situation more than anything else.

He clearly regulated himself enough to not bite you as hard as he could, or as hard as he may have had he really been overwhelmed and unregulated and lashing out. That is truly NOT a bad bite OP from a 14yo- it really could be a lot worse if he had meant to harm you. I don’t know if that is worse or better tbh! How on earth did you get close enough for him to bite you? Did you try to take away his iPad? Why didn’t you give him his space? Were you annoyed and resentful of him? If you did try to remove iPad, I think you have a little responsibility here. Threatening to not go to Xmas is childish and sulky and it’s sad that you clearly don’t have any usual warm loving feelings for your nephew or enough sympathy for your sister.

Jesus...

In fairness, I think that makes it worse.

You’re right; had he lost control and been disregulated, he’d have torn her arm off.

Which means he still had some level of control, and some level of intent.

If he hadn’t have, she’d be more hurt.

There’s also very little point with our son reprimanding him after the fact - he wouldn’t link the two things together and that apology would be absolutely meaningless.

If he doesn't have additional LDs then he would certainly be able to link the two.
I have an autism diagnosis and I was a very bright 14 year old, I just struggled socially.

You do realise you sound slightly unhinged?
Here - I’ll lay it out clearly for you (even though I’m jumping on someone else’s reply):

-OP was physically assaulted by her nephew (High functioning ND)
-OP removed herself from the situation -Next morning, she told her sister she was upset and injured.
-OP sister refused to apologise or insist nephew (a child, remember, in your own words) do anything at all - an apology, a token gift - by way of apology. OP has stated that sister avoids disciplining her son because of his autism.

If you care to trawl through all the posts, you’ll see the ‘evidence’ is all there.
(I’m actually starting to wonder if you’re the sister…)
Anyway, I’m going to have to bow out, off to work now.

"Why were you out alone at night? Why were you drunk? Why did you wear a short skirt? Were you friendly, you must have led him on".

Good grief! You think it’s all OP’s fault for getting too close? We should all be praising this muscular, aggressive young man for not assaulting her more viciously?
I genuinely can’t believe what I’m reading here.