To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

In law he is. But you're right. His Mum should wait until he's 18 and seriously assaults another woman before telling him that's not ok when she visits him in jail.

I would go to Christmas.

But I wouldn't be babysitting them again. It sounds as though your nephew is capable of a conversation about it. So if there seemed like a good time over Christmas I would try to have one with him. That it was very scary for you and how it felt for him. And what could he do differently the next time he felt that way. That you are sad it happened because it means you might not be spending as much time together in future.

I don't think your sister should have punished by removing his kickboxing time as that is the thing that regulates his behaviour. Likely his gaming does as well. But she shouldn't have minimised it and she should have had a discussion with him about it. Both of them should have apologised to you. I do understand her being upset that she has lost her babysitter, if you are the only person she has to leave the kids with it must be tough to lose that.

I’ve got an autistic son and I have to say I’d be mortified if he bit my sister. He does occasionally bite, usually in meltdown, but it’s only ever me or his dad.

What I would say though is that at 14, if he had any serious intention of breaking the skin etc, he would have. He’s quite clearly strong enough. My personal view is that he’s done it to make a point, or that injury would be worse.

There’s also very little point with our son reprimanding him after the fact - he wouldn’t link the two things together and that apology would be absolutely meaningless. Consequences for us need to be quick, and immediate. So I do think that if OP’s nephew is in any way similar - the moment has passed.

Don’t apologise!!! What on earth would you be apologising for? You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and it’s her that should be apologising to you. Better still, getting her son to apologise to you.

Please don’t listen to the minority of MN bullies who enjoy victim blaming. Most people agree with you on this - look at the votes. You are NOT being unreasonable. And I completely understand you feeling deeply hurt that your sister and mum are failing to support you in this. Sending hugs.

Who is more ableist? The person who thinks high-functioning autism means that someone can never understand proper behaviour, never apologise, never stop lashing out violently? Or the person who thinks someone with autism can absolutely learn that their behaviour hurts others, that they can apologise, and can gradually learn strategies to stop themselves from lashing out?

Why have you even posted? You refuse to listen to any other views except those that match your own. Your mind's obviously made up.

An apology wouldn't be meaningless. I'm sure it would mean a lot to the OP.

@Differentforgirls yes, I completely agree! Unbelievable that the rules and understanding are different for invisible disabilities. Very prejudice in fact.

Even if there was no meaning behind it from the person apologising?

Personally I’d rather not have an apology if the person delivering it didn’t actually mean it. Seems pointless.

In law he is.

In law he is a child, my dear.

A child is legally defined as anyone under the age of 18. This definition applies to general law, including the Children Act 1989, and aligns with the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which the UK ratified.

I’m sorry for your nephew assaulting you, OP, I used to face violence from DD1 (16), so I do understand that it can be scary to be scared of a child that you’re looking after. Though thankfully DD1 never bit me, she only bit once when DD2 (13) had bitten her.

My DD1 (16) is similar to the OP’s nephew in that she struggles to regulate her emotions and gets really angry. She’s adopted (as is DD2, and is ND, she has FASD and is awaiting assessment for Autism/ADHD.

She used to be violent towards me, and occasionally DD2 sadly, from the ages of 6-10. She had 10 sessions of therapy, plus training for DH and me, which really helped her with this; she’s never been violent since, though she can still get very angry and throw things, as well as head banging and punching herself, sadly.

She’s never been violent towards other adults/children.

So despite the lack of regulation, she is able to stop herself from hurting people. However, it didn’t take consequences to get her to that point, we’d tried those!

@IGrewUpInTheFallOut the thing that a lot of posters seem to be missing is that as your DN gets older and stronger he still has to be able to regulate his own behaviour otherwise he will not be able to function as an adult member of society. Unless there are learning difficulties involved he is perfectly able to understand right and wrong behaviour and your sister is doing him no favours by excusing this behaviour without consequence. If he can control himself while kickboxing and at risk of injury then there is no excuse for this. ND isn’t a green card for abusive behaviour and he can clearly choose not to do this when he wants to.

Agree with what?

Rape and an autistic male child biting their aunt are not comparable; a logical comparison would be domestic violence.

It is not reasonable to assume that a child with autism could grow up to be a rapist because they commit "lesser" violent offences to women like prolonged biting, kicking and hair pulling. What the kid did was wrong and his mother should correct his behaviour but it is absolutely not comparable to rape.

Yes, even then. It's part of training children to one day be functioning members of society. It's also an acknowledgement by the other adults that it is something that warrants an apology.

The person who is most ableist is the one who insists that the fact/ reality that this child is autistic is entirely irrelevant to the situation, and refuses to consider it at all as potentially relevant context in their reasoning.

No need for the patronising reply. Your posts on this thread make it clear you think assaulting women is ok.

Ok 😂.

Another entirely reasonable, balanced, evidenced and in-touch-with-reality judgement / chain of reasoning from you I see.

Proud of having that mindset clearly.

As above

Lastworditis too. No end to your talents...

Oh hello kettle, it's the pot...

OP has been attacked. It is in fact irrelevant whether her attacker had autism or not, she is still entitled to feel shocked and upset.

The sister and mother calling the OP selfish for not wanting to babysit are refusing to consider her feelings at all.

Yes, when it comes to potential punishments for the nephew, him being autistic is very relevant and should be taken into account.

But acknowledging that the OP has a right to be upset and to keep herself safe? That has nothing to do with autism.

My dear, you are rather patronising, aren't you? 🙄
I work in a young offenders institution within the grounds of the prison where rapists and murderers are housed. There is a separate building for boys aged 15-17, but in practice, they’re all on the same grounds. They have all lost their liberty. Adult violence doesn’t magically appear when a man turns 18…

It is in fact irrelevant whether her attacker had autism or not

thank you. Excellent demonstration of the ableism.

OP is certainly entitled to her feelings- I don't think anyone would argue otherwise. It's some of her expectations of her mum/ sister, that people are questioning.