To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

Because OP has said he is only aggressive to females. His mum, his sister and his aunt.

His grandmother is also worried about being overpowered by him.

Why doesn’t he do this with male family and friends?

You’ve clearly never been assaulted.
You’re disgusting.

I don't really think it's on to call other posters "disgusting".

Victim blaming...

Why?

So anyone who has any more than an utterly one dimensional black and white take on the situation is "victim blaming"? This isnt a simple situation of perpetrator and victim, where one person has all the power and the other none. This was a disabled child who attacked an adult in charge of them. There's nuance there.

He's not 4 he's 14. He's well over the age of legal responsibility. He bit the OP but you want her to reassure him?

No, the sister should be reassuring the OP and insisting her son give an apology for hurting his aunt. After a proper apology and acknowledgement from him then the OP can say she loves him etc. But he has so far shown no remorse.

This boy is high-functioning. He is able to do well at school and kick boxing etc. I can just about believe he had a meltdown and couldn't stop himself from lashing out. But there is nothing stopping him from apologising the next day when he's calmer. The fact that he hasn't apologised makes me think he wanted to hurt OP and doesn't see that he did anything wrong.

As has been said many times, autism is not a get out of goal free card.

The OP has been called disgusting yet you never said a thing.

He’s aggressive to females and he’s been taken to a class to learn how to punch and kick in quick succession.

Is no one else thinking WTF here? His mother is an idiot.

He could end up seriously hurting someone and that’ll be both awful for them and him.

He is an adult. Keep teaching him that attacking a woman is ok and he is being set up to be an adult within the criminal justice system.

He's 14 not 4, but 14 is still very much a child. And he's in mainstream school but he has autism. You keep mentioning an apology- has OP clarified whether she would attend Christmas after an apology? As far as i can see OP has never once focused on an apology - she wants blame and punishment.

The OP's nephew is 14. All the people on here making excuses for him, if he had bitten a pupil at school I would imagine their parents would want to involve the police. It is assault, autistic or not. In four years time he will be an adult and if he assaults someone then he could find himself in court.

His parents have failed him. It should have been made clear to him when he was younger that violence towards other people no matter how angry he is, is not acceptable. I have seen many parents of high functioning autistic teens scared of them because they didn't deal with this problem earlier and just used the child's autism as an excuse.

Agreed.

It’s so weird that when a man kills a woman, society asks why couldn’t he be stopped.

And yet when people say to tackle male violence from the onset, the response is scoffing.

Kyle Clifford assaulted someone as a teen. If that had been taken seriously, it could have all been different.

He is an adult

eh? He's 14. He's most definitely a child. Hence OP babysitting and telling him to go to bed.

You seem to have a very one dimensional framework for understanding the world. It's not very helpful.

Wow OP! I've only read your replies, but some of the responses you have received here is fucking insane! You are in no way in the wrong! Please don't apologise. I have an autistic son and if he ever did this to anyone, he would absolutely have big consequences for his actions! I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'm more sorry that you have received some ridiculous comments here!!

Regardless of how much or little culpability the 14 year old can reasonably be said to have (and I make no comment), the OP has been physically injured and scared by someone stronger than her.

The black and white part is that she is entirely within her rights not to put herself in a situation where it might happen again. I also think it is entirely reasonable to feel hurt that she is receiving no sympathy, empathy or basic acknowledgment of her feelings from the rest of her family (receipt of which does not have to include condemnation of the perpetrator) following a physical assault.

A cynic might say that this is because her sister is mainly concerned with what it means for her (i.e. no more childcare) and the mother that the spotlight may then fall on her to provide. Therefore the focus is instead on how they can both ensure that the OP doesn't feel able to withdraw her labour.

And you lecture other people on their responses,

https://www.google.com/search?q=age+of+criminal+responsibility+england&oq=age+of+criminal+responsibil&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqBwgEEAAYgAQyBwgAEAAYgAQyBwgBEAAYgAQyBwgCEAAYgAQyBwgDEAAYgAQyBwgEEAAYgAQyBggFEEUYOTIHCAYQABiABDIHCAcQABiABDIHCAgQABiABDIHCAkQABiABNIBCTE4NDI5ajBqN6gCALACAA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

OP has said she wants a sign that it is being taken seriously. Instead the sister has called her selfish for not wanting to babysit or attend Xmas dinner. So clearly her sister is not taking OP's hurt and upset seriously.

I find it bizarre that you think autism means that a 14 year old can't acknowledge they hurt their aunt and say sorry.

It was.

I felt a bit split before I saw this post @IGrewUpInTheFallOut , in the sense that I sympathised with you but felt your sister probably needed to be left to deal with it. After this though, she clearly only wants a quiet life and you there to give her a break, same with the babysitting. I’m sorry her H left her but that doesn’t make a difficult child who has used violence against you your responsibility or problem. If she thinks he is then by rights you should have a say in the disciplinary process.

I think you’re fair to feel they care much less about you than not having any trouble with the son so it’s easier to guilt you in to sucking this up than dealing with him. I absolutely wouldn’t babysit again ( perhaps your mum can do it if she thinks you are making a fuss over nothing) & if you don’t feel like going for Xmas then don’t, but I’d probably go for lunch then leave on the basis you don’t want a permanent breach.

Hope your arm is feeling better.

Aren't you being one-dimensional (since you seem to love that phrase)? You have decided that because the teenager is autistic that he must have been having an autistic meltdown, it couldn't possibly he just chose to act like a violent shit. Don't you see how damaging your views are to autistic people - that they can't possibly know right from wrong, they can't be held accountable for their actions, any violence is down to a meltdown not choosing to lash out.

The age of criminal responsibility in the UK is 10 - which by the way is completely out of touch with international human rights standards (it's 10 for historical reasons ,
because of one particular case- but all this is beside the point).

The point is that doesnt mean that a 14 year old is an adult , either in law or in society. A 14 year old is not an adult, they are a child. While a 14 year old may be held criminally accountable for their actions, a 14 year old is also treated completely differently within the criminal justice system, because they are a child.

Except I never said any of those things.

Yes he bit you and yes it’s unacceptable, but you were the adult in the moment and by the sounds didn’t say a word? I

This is terrible victim blaming. The nephew is bigger and stronger than OP, an incredible kick-boxer, he grabbed hold of OP and bit her arm and wouldn’t let go. He then screams at OP to leave his room. OP rightly leaves and stays in her room to keep away from him and you’re asking why she didn’t go back and have a word?

It’s apparent so many people just don’t give a shit about women’s safety.

if you were being like this about my disabled child I would agree it’s best you don’t come if you’re going to dramatise the situation.

All the sister is bothered about is getting her free babysitter back so she can go on her nights out. You seem to enjoy setting up the sister and nephew as saints.

This, on both counts. Some of the comments made to OP on this thread are absolutely appalling – the dregs of MN were out in force last night.

I also agree about being a port in a storm for her niece. We used to live near a family where the son was AuADHD and also violent. Whenever he hit, punched or kicked anyone, including our DC and his teacher, the parents' response wasn't to tell him that what he did wasn't okay or to even apologise. It was to immediately demand, "What did you say to him to set him off?" This started at an early age, from about three onwards, so the message he received in his formative years was that it was okay to lash out, there would be no consequences. He was a bright kid, top of his class in mainstream education, 100% knew difference between right and wrong. His sister, who was older, bore the brunt of it and was regularly attacked – when anyone tried to bring it up, the excuse was he has autism, he can't help it. I often wonder how she is doing now he's in his teens and taller and stronger than her.