To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

Disgusting? To not want to go for a dinner? Good god.

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Wow, what a pile on. The OP is scared and has been assaulted and you think she’s in the wrong.

What should have happened is, your sister should have called you and massively apologised and said that this is the result of him being overstimulated, that “punishing” him would have the opposite effect, but she’ll take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again by doing X and Y.

So he can be aggressive, and he can’t self regulate, and when he’s overstimulated he lashes out……oh and he’s brilliant at kickboxing. That has the potential to end very badly all round. Surely another hobby would have had the same effect, rather than picking a violent sport.

Your sister was presented with the scenario of take her sisters side, or take his, and she chose him. She could’ve handled it better.

I would take a step back and not go nuclear over it, but draw a line in the sand and say you are no longer helping out with him in any way or form, and just don’t offer. If anyone asks just say he’s too big for you to deal with now.

Firstly, you should never baby sit again or be with him on your own.
Secondly, you should do whatever you want at Christmas, don’t be blackmailed into doing what they want.
And make sure you’re not in line to have him if anything happens to your sister.

It’s curious to me how it sounds like this is the first time something like this has happened? Is there back story you haven’t mentioned in this post?

Whilst you have my empathy with it hurting and being unexpected, if you were being like this about my disabled child I would agree it’s best you don’t come if you’re going to dramatise the situation.

Yes he bit you and yes it’s unacceptable, but you were the adult in the moment and by the sounds didn’t say a word? I would also be having a word myself and assessing the situation, but if my sister was willing to cut contact due to an autistic melt down I would be so disappointed. I haven’t read all of your comments but of the ones I have, a large percentage are surrounded around ‘what about this and what about that’. You could say that about anything? You sound a bit ableist to be honest.

FWIW my nephews have a myriad of additional needs and I wouldn’t dream of cutting them off. No more baby sitting is understandable but making a point of not going at Christmas to spend time with your family? Not necessary and clearly just making a point or looking for an excuse to spend it with your partner.

Your sister could have handled this better, it’s hard parenting autistic children and different approaches are needed but sounds like she could have done more to make you feel heard and supported op. Hope you can all find a way forward xx

At the end of the day, no matter the circumstances, I'd expect an apology at least from my sister and some empathy.

I don't blame you wanting to avoid her for now, op.

Being autistic does not justify a violent assault for which he could be prosecuted if you chose to report it. Minimising does not help in the long run.

It's crazy to me how so many posters have come on here saying they have ND relatives and yet they can't spot that the OP Is showing many signs of being ND herself

Her dramatising is actually probably catastrophizing -- catastrophizing is the tendency for autistic individuals to quickly and automatically jump to the worst possible outcome in a situation, often due to high anxiety and unique brain wiring. This cognitive distortion can be triggered by minor issues, leading to a "snowball effect" of negative thoughts, and is associated with a high state of anxiety and the potential for mental health challenges

The way she's rightfully hurt about her sister and mothers reactions- RSD - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, an intense emotional response to perceived or actual rejection, criticism, or failure, often associated with ADHD. It is also an acronym for Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, a past name for Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS), a chronic pain condition.

Rigid thinking is a cognitive style characterized by inflexible, stubborn, and all-or-nothing thought patterns, which makes it difficult to adapt to new situations or consider alternative viewpoints. It can lead to stress and frustration when things don't go as planned and may be a symptom of or related to conditions like anxiety, ADHD, or autism. This mental inflexibility can limit problem-solving, creativity, and personal growth.

She doesn't sound ableist. She sounds autistic.

Then she shouldn’t go for Christmas if the sister can’t be trusted.

You weren't to blame, autism is not a free pass to do as you like and certainly not to injure someone. You deserve to be protected and in this situation I would feel vulnerable and worried for my safety.

In your position I would go with your partner to his family for Christmas.
The sad thing is that sooner or later nephew is likely to turn on his mother or sister and because he has got away with it biting you they will not be able to deal with it effectively. And in the longer term he may end up in the criminal justice system ......which would be very sad given that he has been doing well at school and so on. Obviously never babysit again.

OP please don’t apologise to your sister in the morning! You did absolutely nothing wrong and I would feel exactly as you do in your situation.

Definitely have Christmas with your partner’s family and don’t babysit again

YANBU OP for being so upset by what has happened.

I would still go to the family dinner though, but I would be keeping my distance from my nephew. Just don’t go near him where possible.

I would feel very disappointed in my sister if she hadn’t taken it seriously and hadn’t ordered an apology from the nephew. I may possibly give her some leeway though as it may be that she’s frightened of her son and is scared of any comeback if she challenges him.

It’s still very disappointing though that she hasn’t seemed to have taken this seriously and that she doesn’t seem very remorseful. I would be mortified if my child had physically harmed my sister, even if they did have autism, whereas tut sister doesn’t seem to care at all that it’s happened, and that’s not okay.

But yes, I’d still celebrate Christmas with them Bir give your nephew and your sister a wide berth, but I certainly wouldn’t be babysitting again!

It's obvious distressing that you were hurt, and totally reasonable for you not to babysit again.

The police won't prosecute this, not in a million years, so I'd move away from that. I cannot tell you how many times I've been assaulted by mentally ill or neurodisabled dc. The police won't consider a prosecution to be in the public interest.

Your motivation for wanting your nephew punished seems to be more about revenge than a desire to help him learn, and that's a bad look for the adult in the situation. There's no point in punishing a dc for a behaviour they can't control. You manage it by changing the actions of the adults (different routine, different level of supervision etc). Your are unreasonable about this imo.

Nasty!

He is not a child. There is one ignorant person here and it's not the OP.

You have had a hard time on here OP. I am glad you have taken the more constructive advice on board and are going to speak to your sister.

I dont think any parent would stand and watch another person being hurt and not step in, so try not to worry about that. Also you will not be in charge of asking nephew to do anything so not likely to be the person he attacks if it did happen at Christmas.

As a loving aunt and sister I would explain to sister it was scary, but you understand. Ask her if nephew is upset about it, if he is i would have a phone call to reassure him you love him and can both move past it.

For your own sake I wouldnt be around him alone if you feel unsafe. Perhaps you and your mum could babysit together if sister really needs a break, much further down the line.

Please don’t tell a woman who’s been very frightened by an act of male violence that she’s being silly to continue to feel afraid. This is flat-out misogyny.

I doubt that punishment is the answer and I really feel for OP’s sister as this is a very difficult situation. But that doesn’t mean the OP can’t feel frightened after this event. She is not foolish to feel that way.

So much victim-blaming behaviour hidden under what looks very much like virtue-signalling here.

You’re being ridiculous

This. The utter victim-blaming and coercive guilt being employed in this thread is disgusting.

No woman is obliged to put up with being physically assaulted by any young man (who will be a fully grown man in a few short years), whatever the reason for it.

I make no comment on whether your sister is making a rod for her own - and her daughter's - back as I don't know the ins and outs but, OP, please protect yourself from violence as you are entitled to do.

You might also consider being a port in a storm for your niece in future. This must be very difficult for her to live with.

is she maintaining it's ok?

Or is she just refusing to blame/ be angry/ punish him.

Because those are two different things OP.

Haas there been a message from sister or call where she has said this?

She’s not saying it’s a predictor for rape. Shes saying that the same, centuries-old excuses wheeled out to excuse male violence are being trotted out here.
Her nephew assaulted her. She doesn’t feel safe or reassured that her mum or sister have the requisite tools to support her or control his behaviour, so of course she has every right to avoid his company.

Oh please