To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

All you've shown, is that at no point, have you ever bothered to do any homework about autism, and why your nephew acts out in the ways he does. You want your sister to treat him and pu ish him as if he is a nerotypical child. He isn't though, and never will be. She knows better than you.

Thats all great. I still disagree.

I’m autistic and both my DC are autistic, one of whom has very significant needs (still in nappies at age 16).

I co-founded and ran a nationwide organisation for parents with SEN children.

I was the SEN school governor for 5+ years.

My point is, I’m not without knowledge or lived experience.

Autistic children having a meltdown or who have become overwhelmed can often stop themselves from attacking with full force. My DS used to bite me - proper, full-blown bites I’m talking here - but we worked with him to try and stop this. We reached a point where he would be overwhelmed and bite, but then stop himself from biting properly at the last minute. So I’d get a small mark on my arm similar to OP, but not a proper bite as DS would manage to rein it in.

Posters saying a dysregulated child only attacks with full force aren’t correct. Of course sometimes they do, but it’s not necessarily the case. A child who understands that biting is not ok might lose control initially but then gain a level of control to prevent themselves from delivering a full force bite.

Obviously, for a child who hasn’t yet fully understood biting is really not ok, they’re much less likely to put the brakes on.

The fact the OP only ended up with a soft bite mark with no real damage is entirely consistent with a 14 yr old who passes reasonably well in the world and would clearly understand that he shouldn’t bite.

In that moment, he lashed out and bit, managed to stop himself, but would have still been unable to communicate his feelings (contrary to what OP believes).

Of course he needs to learn better coping mechanisms and of course biting isn’t ok. But it is important to understand what’s going on with him and to react appropriately rather than punitive measures that don’t achieve anything.

So as I said earlier, respectfully, I disagree with your viewpoint.

But you have projected the notions of "casual comment" "brush off" and "doesn't care less" , and so has OP and that is the problem...

Perhaps OP needs to talk to her sister and mum and be honest and say "the way you have reacted to this makes me feel like you don't care about me". Then give them a chance to explain.

How would his auntie, who has known him his entire life, know if he has assaulted a male?

I am puzzled as to how she would know this information about someone she's known since birth and has been babysitting for how ever many years. It's an absolute mystery how the OP would know this 🤦‍♀️

Sarcasm incase you didn't get it. How do you think OP knows this?

Absolutely not @IGrewUpInTheFallOut!

Some if the responses on here are wild.

I’m sorry this happened to you. It sounds very scary and I’m absolutely not surprised that you expect some validation of your feelings by your sister.

Autism or otherwise, this was an unprovoked assault and it’s absolutely fair to want this to be acknowledged.

It’s actually possible to separate why this happened (autism, overwhelmed, disregulated) from how this made you feel (scared, upset, worried for your future safety) and the inability to acknowledge this utterly disregards you and minimises how this has made you feel.

And for that alone, you are not being unreasonable to not want to see him whilst there is no discussion whatsoever about how frightening this was for you and what could be done to prevent it happening again.

This sounds like a really difficult situation, and I really feel for you, it must have been scary.

One thing which really jumps out of your posts is how little general knowledge you have about your nephew’s disability.

I think that it’s possible that your lack of knowledge around your nephews needs has contributed to the situation when you were babysitting and also to how you feel about your sister not disciplining him in a way which feels familiar to you.

However, I don’t think that it is unreasonable to keep yourself out of harms way, and I can understand why you feel uncomfortable going to Christmas or babysitting in future.

In your position I would step right back from telling your sister how to parent - it is clear from looking in that you don’t know enough about autism to be giving that advice - and focus on not destroying the relationship with her over one incident.

But, at the same time, step back from Christmas this year so that you’re not on edge, framing it as not wanting to escalate things. And not babysitting again in future.

That's disgusting, don't feel like you owe your family anything if they expect you to be around someone who assaulted you. You're not a martyr for her son - if she wants to be then she can. If he can reign it in enough to be in school and tolerate losing in combat sports he can learn not to bite women in his family. It doesn't matter how bad the bite is, I would see it as a threat for if you ever had to discipline him again which is scary. If he's like this over an ipad he shouldn't be doing sports like that whether it helps him or not - it makes him too dangerous if he simply can't manage his violence. I feel sorry for the poor woman who gives him a chance at some point in life.

Im also autistic, as are both my children. Autistic children can also have just normal typical child temper tantrums too. Which to me this sounds more like. He bit the OP and then went into his room. He didn't carry on having a meltdown in his room. It usually takes autistic children quite a while to come down from a meltdown, it's rare for it to be instant.

Not every bad behaviour is a meltdown, sometimes it's just a kid being a dick and having a tantrum

At 14 his likely to be near adult size. He needs to learn about regulating his reactions because he is quite likely to meet adult consequences if his behaviour results in a legal situation. I wouldn't feel safe being alone with anyone who had assaulted me like this regardless of his age. I feel like everyone is using his neurodiversity as an excuse to avoid confronting the behaviour. Just don't babysit.

I wouldn’t be baby sitting any more . I wonder if sister would show more concern if he bit his sister the next time something happens he doesn’t like .

Stop it. The sister hasn't been properly alone has she. She's had the OP supporting her for years, physically, mentally and financially, babysitting ect and she's also got a mum who regularly helps out by the sounds of it too

To me personally from the OP's replies it seems like she is also neurodivergent.

Making demands because she wants some sort ot acknowledgement that it wasn't okay that she was hurt.... really?

This is about OP. It's her post

She's supported her sister for years, literally. In so many different ways. And been a free babysitter on top too

Your whole post is just unhelpful and no need for it is there. What a nasty vicious attack to a stranger you don't know

Vile

Edited to add:

You've just proved many of our points by saying he could of hurt OP if he wanted. So he was in control of himself wasn't he. So he wasn't having a meltdown, he attacked her

“This is not about you”.

Actually it is, op was the one attacked. No one is denying that it’s easy looking after an autistic child, and sister has done a superb job as child is in mainstream school etc. and op was supporting sister by babysitting.

Unbelievable…

You’re minimising what has happened to fit your own agenda as a ND mother . Biting is not normal and this kid will get bigger and stronger so he needs to understand it’s wrong before someone else is injured .

A load that is not the OPs responsibility

Then he has a long hard life in front of him if he’s being taught that assaulting women isn’t his fault.

Keep seeing your sister, go to Christmas. Don’t spend time with him on his own.

I didn’t just walk into his room. I knocked and had a full on conversation with him before I mentioned bed time.

It’s not suction. That was a day after what had happened. I’m sorry your son has also assaulted you and you chose to let him think it’s okay.

I don’t think I want to. She’s maintaining that what happened is okay and that it’s really not his fault.

Her choice. I wouldn’t go for Christmas if I was her.

What a dreadful response.

Hopefully @IGrewUpInTheFallOut you will be able to reach a 'happy' medium with your family, whereupon respect is mutual. Your response to being unexpectedly bitten is entirely understandable. And unexpected is the pertinent point; it may be that as your nephew goes from adolescence to adulthood this behaviour is going to become a feature. However, as you've said, it hasn't been the norm before now. It's a very traumatising thing to have happened, thus please ignore anyone minimising that.

In your position, I would also refuse to put myself at risk again. It may be, that as you process the shock, you'll feel comfortable to be there at Christmas (but not comfortable taking sole responsibility for him again, going forward). I hope your family respect whatever decision you come to.

Regardless of how your nephew's challenging behaviour escalates or doesn't, you will always reserve the right to keep yourself safe from physical harm. Honestly, having worked in services with adults who have challenging behaviours, I think this is a growing issue for many families, whereupon expectation of tolerance from wider family (and the general public) is contentious. No parent, regardless of their child's circumstances, should expect others to accept/endure physical violence.

Then if you don’t want to see them any more; don’t.

She’s minimising it as she lives it daily so she’s normalised it in her head. You don’t have to put up with it. The wider world will not tolerate this as PP has said. Babysitting was a massive favour, if she isn’t interested in how you feel, there’s nothing wrong with you pulling back.

I have asked for my post to be removed
Didn't properly think about how you would feel before I posted .
I'm sorry

Fair play for apologising, that was decent of you