To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

YANBU to refuse to look after your nephew again but YABVU to refuse to ever be in the same space as him again as that just seems vindictive.

Biting you was not at all acceptable but I think it is up to your sister to handle this whatever way she thinks is best. My then 2 year old DD (later diagnosed with autism) broke my nose by deliberately head butting me VERY hard. I can still remember the shock, the pain and the blood everywhere and that was 27 years ago so I do sympathise. Fortunately as my DD became verbal and able to express herself verbally she stopped lashing out. Puberty is an especially difficult time for autistic teens though as there are so many huge emotions flying around as well as all their day to day sensory and other issues . My DD did not hurt other people then but she did self harm which was heartbreaking and tbh I'd rather she'd lashed out at me. This may just be a hormone surge in your DN which might settle.

Your sister probably has a very difficult life as a single mum coping with all of this, please don't cut her off if you care about her.

Autistic or not, boundaries are needed. If he goes into the working world in 4 years time, biting colleagues and lashing out at work isn’t going to end well. Whilst businesses now have to accommodate the needs of autistic employees, they still have to keep their workforce safe. Your sister ignoring the problem now isn’t going to make it go away.

But that’s a two year old?! It’s hardly comparable! At that age they genuinely do not know and don’t have the capability to be able to understand properly.

This is a 14 year old and although he has autism based on the info from OP he functions really well and hasn’t done this to other adults when he’s felt overwhelmed.

Theres a lot of responses similar comparing toddler actions to this teenager I don’t see how they can be compared.

At 14 he knows right from wrong and even if he struggled to control it in the moment he should be able to apologise at a minimum

I'm not comparing the actions of a toddler to a teenager, I was trying to empathise with the OP's feelings of shock etc at an unexpected attack. It is possible the nephew behaves differently at home as that is his safe space to decompress. An apology obviously wouldn't go amiss and if that had been my DD I would have heavily encouraged her to do so. I just think the OP cutting her family off altogether, over ostensibly a difference of opinion, seems a bit vindictive, attention seeking and more than a little OTT. However her singularity of thought and difficulty accepting a contrary opinion both from her sister and other posters here are giving off vibes that she herself may be neurodivergent.

No don’t apologise to her

Autism is a spectrum, and those on here saying their autism children have not bitten is great for them, but it happens

in this case your sister is just accepting her son bit you because he was over stimulated, and that’s the end of the matter, that’s wrong. Any child, autistic or not needs to understand consequences of actions, but your sister doesn’t seem to want to accept that

There may not be a lot she can do but she should tell him it’s unacceptable, she should acknowledge to you it’s unacceptable and that you are certainly not to blame for what happened, and I am sorry she can’t see that

As to posters feeling sympathy towards the sister and that the op is not supporting her, op has driven a quite a way to babysit so sister can go out, was bitten by her nephew and the sister has basically done nothing why is that acceptable?

A 14 year old is strong, he works out kick boxing, he did hurt the op, why should she accept that? Being autistic is not an excuse, there should still be some form of consequence

Personally I would not be sitting for your sister again, if she can’t go out now that’s as a consequence of her actions here

I would also go to your partners for Christmas as I would be worried about your nephew kicking off because he has become overwhelmed by Christmas

I wouldn’t babysit again and if you don’t want to join your family for Christmas, don’t. You can go to your partner’s instead.

All you can do in this situation is control your own responses, iyswim. Your sister is the parent and she isn’t going to discipline your nephew in the way that you want her to-there’s nothing you can do about that.

But you CAN do whatever’s necessary for you to feel safe and if that means not spending Christmas with them nor babysitting so be it. They’ll have to accept it.

Oh sorry I misunderstood. The impression I get is that it’s not the event itself why she wants to cut them off etc but the reaction to it and how it’s been handled.

Sister spoke to him he gave an unreasonable explanation/excuse and nothing more was said. I’d be upset and angry too! They could and should have done more. Even if it’s a conversation between the three of them where they can talk it out and maybe aunty can learn a bit more about his autism and how it affects his life. In turn he can apologise and do his best to implement strategies to reduce the risk of it happening again.

If that was my son I’d be mortified and angry and would definitely hold him to account as best I could - whatever that may mean for him as it would be different for each person depending on who they are etc.

I have a lot of diagnosed autism in my family including one of my children and I suspect I am myself.

I can not believe some of these responses! I get maybe a severely autistic child might not understand the magnitude of their actions of biting … but this boy is in a main stream school. He needs to be told that being violent is not an acceptable way of dealing with being over stimulated - if he bit another kid at school it’s likely he’d be expelled. Your sister is doing him no favours making sure he is not clear on what is not acceptable behaviour.

I think you need to take a stance on this and go to your partners for Christmas.

I wouldn't 'babysit' ever again.

Nephew is uninvited for Christmas.

You have been assaulted and you are still in shock.

Autistic or not, your nephew still needs consequences for having assaulted you in such a terrifying way. But it seems that your sister isn’t tough enough to parent strongly like that when needed. She is also probably afraid of him and may herself have been assaulted by him. Her parenting style is a separate issue. And you are not in a position right now to help her with that, even if you wanted to or felt qualified to.

In your current situation where you are still in shock, you should concentrate on yourself and should not be making any decisions at all. You need time to get over the assault which clearly has disturbed you a great deal. I think the way you are feeling is a normal reaction to assault which your DSis is definitely trying to minimise.

I think the right thing to do in this situation is to tell your DSis and DM that you have also received an invitation for Christmas to spend it with your partner and, still being in shock from the assault, you won’t be making any decisions right now.

Then give yourself time ….maybe ten days or so, to see how you get over it OP. And possibly, to see if an apology is forthcoming from your DN or your DS.

If you are still terrified at the thought of being near your DN, then YANBU to avoid all future contact with him. He’s done it once, he felt your fear, and could do it again.
You are certainly not obliged to spend your Christmas with him.

@IGrewUpInTheFallOut I get what you are saying. The blase response from your sister because nephew was "overwhelmed" has left you feeling there are no consequences for his actions.

Does overwhelm happen for autistic people? Yes
Is it an excuse to cross a room and physically attack a person? No

The lack of consequences for his physical attack reinforce for him that his actions were ok. This means they are likely to be repeated.

He is physically the same size as you, with training in fighting. You stand zero chance if he decides to fully lash out at you because he's feeling overwhelmed.

I would never look after the children again - you are no longer safe to do so given his size and behaviour.

I'd also distance myself at Christmas. He is old enough to know that people are not happy to be around someone who has recently assaulted them. It is not ok and right at this moment in time, you prefer not to see him.

I can understand that if there had been a consequence you would have been prepared to do Christmas with them. Yes, you'd still be worried but you would be hoping the consequence was helping him to learn right from wrong and would be prepared to give him a second chance.

No consequence means he needs to learn nothing, so why wouldn't he engage in assault again if he felt like it? Christmas is the perfect time for overstimulation and overwhelm, so you're just setting yourself up to be attacked again.

I'd take your partner up on the offer to spend Christmas with his family.

I can’t believe that there are people still minimising this attack. We’re talking about a 14 year old teen, not a young child, physically biting, ie attacking his aunt. Yes, there may have only been bruising, but it’s still violence, and most people would find this terrifying.

this keeps getting pointed out because you framed christmas as a safety issue.. But it's not really. You want your sister and mum to "choose" you over your nephew, which may be understandable as you are upset, but it isn't reasonable or realistic. You are using Christmas as a bargaining chip.

Do people not realise that to leave a bruise through a jumper, the bite had to be quite hard? On bare skin it would have probably broken the skin.

Op isn’t wanting sister to choose her over her nephew, but wants sister not to brush it off with a casual ‘overwhelmed’ comment. I think I would be distraught and so apologetic if my son bit someone, but sister doesn’t seem to care less.

But he didn't.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. A 14-year-old biting you hard enough to leave a serious mark isn’t something you can just shrug off, overwhelmed or not, and it’s fair for you to protect yourself if your sister won’t address it properly. You’re not demanding punishment, just some acknowledgement that what happened was serious and that steps need to be taken so it doesn’t happen again. If she’s decided the conversation stops because he “felt overwhelmed”, then she’s basically leaving you to deal with the consequences alone. I’d step back too, and Christmas doesn’t magically make you immune to being hurt. I’m just honestly confused about what they expect you to do here, pretend it didn’t happen and hope for the best?

Now you're acting ignorant. I can see why your family is exasperated with you. You are acting more like a child than him.

How would op know?

This^^

You'd very likely be wrong. He is a minor, with an intellectual disability. But you don't actually care about that, or why its vital your sister maintains is standard routine, which is what keeps his emotions regulated. All that matters to you, is that he is punished. Maybe actually do some hone work about autism, and why routine is vital for his mental wellbeing.

What does her being a female have to do with this. He would have done the same to a guy.
I kicked a hole in a wall once because I felt so completely out of control, because something didn't happen as it was planned when I was 9. With autism, the feeling builds and builds, until you act out. You learn to control it as you get older, and from the mildness if the bite, its obvious he wasn't trying to really hurt her.

This would have been really distressing and I think the op needed recognition of that from her sister and mum, that her safety matters too. I’d just go to your partners Christmas op, if you’ve told your sister she should have stopped him going to kickboxing then I’d apologise for that as it’s absolutely the wrong type of consequence for this boy, but I’d also say I won’t be coming to Christmas or babysitting, I was so scared and his bite hurt a lot, and I just feel like neither you nor mum care about that at all, so I’m taking a break. I know mum would care if it was her, that’s why she won’t look after him, and I didn’t realise u was so relatively unimportant. I love you both, and I’m worried for my niece that you might treat her like she doesn’t matter too, but i need some time.

Don't have kids with Autism or any mental challenges then. They have trouble regulating their emotions and often act out. They don't have the same ability to process those emotions in a healthy way, and often act out.

How do we know his mom didn't talk with him about it, or punish him in some way? Op is mad because he wasnt punished in a way she thinks is best. The way she thinks is best, is taking away the things that help regulate his behavior.