To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

I can pretty much guarantee that he’s done a lot worse to her than he has done to you. I think you’d be better off lending an empathetic ear to your sister and talking about what happened and listening to the reason as to why or why not she should discipline him.

I wouldn’t want to look after him alone any more but surely at Christmas there’ll be plenty of other family members around so you won’t be alone with him.

The training will make a big difference and he has to know and respect boundaries. Hope you are recovering now OP.

I hope his sister is safe and not traumatized.

Surely his mum has to act asap. For his sake as well - what will happen when he is 18. Is fear for her safety an issue?

I would not be alone in a room with him. I would attend Christmas, but would clearly spell out the dangers and boundaries.

What are you trying to achieve by saying she's being a btch baby? Aside from trying to make her feel a certain way? Did you feel good posting that? Reporting you

I agree, he's going to get even stronger and will really hurt you next time. Specially if there's no consequence to bad actions. You're right to end the baby sitting I wouldn't be around him again.

Good god these responses. So if someone is autistic it's a free for all and they can do whatever they like? Sounds great when he's a grown man with sexual urges!!

How many times did you write that you "felt uncomfortable, even terrified?"
A number. Okay.
If you're uncomfortable, don't do it. End of story.
You say that the nephew is already as big as you are and stronger, and at 14-year-old, he bites human flesh like a rabid dog "when he's over stimulated" and his mom and grandma don't think there's anything wrong with that.
No problem. Just wait till he bite someone else.
A classmate, teacher, some other stranger.
Then they'll be consequences that they can't ignore.
Bide your time. Stay away.

Double post

Well, time is the best fortune teller!

The boy shows violence against women. he is not disciplined, he is excused. Posters come on to say he should be excused, the OP is lying because he is autistic but not, it seems, autistic enough to show the same violence to males.

He enjoyed hurting the OP. That is a worrying sign and not one that bodes well for the future.

So, @MerryAquaSquid I think you are not deranged, as you confidently label me, but rather someone who is very naive and maybe should not go out without your mother.

Good night and sweet dreams.

Your sister is massively taking the piss.

No more babysitting. And if you feel like skipping Christmas, do. Your mother is way out of line.

hang in there! 💐

Well said!!

OP said upthread he's never been violent to a male

It’s a tricky one, of course you have every right to be upset and not babysit again. On the other hand by your own admission, your sister has done a very good job of helping him control his emotions, he’s gone from being a very angry violent child who was clearly struggling to (your words) being able to manage at a nearly neurotypical level. That’s due to your sisters parenting and channeling his energy into something he enjoys and cares about, which she has done completely alone since their father left. I think you need to trust that your sister knows her child better than you and knows what he needs and how to deal with this. You demanding certain punishments when you don’t have the knowledge of what works for him isn’t really going to help, it’s only going to punitive and probably won’t stop it happening again.

I feel really sorry for you OP, being attacked is horrible and then your sister acting like it wasn’t a big deal is just terrible.

I am not sure what the right way to discipline an autistic child is, but surely they need to be somehow made to understand that, that is unacceptable behaviour. While their parents might be ok with getting bitten I can’t imagine the general public will give them a free pass if they bite someone just because they felt overwhelmed. There must be some coping strategies they could use.

Imagine a school setting where this child bit his classmate, I don’t think other parents would allow it to be swept under the carpet.

If a 14 year old boy walked up to you in the street grabbed you and bit your arm, would you not call the police? Of course you would, because that teenager has committed a violent crime. Just like the OP's nephew has.

Oh get an actual grip! He didn’t even break the skin! Ergo not a hard bite where you should be “terrified” and as for “he could have severely hurt me” well he didn’t so what’s the big drama?

Just bow out of family get togethers quietly but imagine being a parent of this child 24/7. But here you are, just a few hours in, “terrified”. Try putting yourself in the shoes of your sister and catch a grip of your self pitying ways.

I totally agree with you - whether he can help it or not that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be disciplined in some way. Depending on the level of his abilities to understand or control etc will help decide what the appropriate action is.

Having an autism diagnosis isn’t a get out of jail free card for awful behaviour. Obviously it’s different with every person and should be treated as such but from your comments it sounds as though he is capable of knowing right from wrong and even if he struggled to control it in the moment that doesn’t mean it’s ok and should be brushed under the carpet with an explanation or excuse.

It doesn’t even need to be something major - even just an acknowledgment that it’s wrong and an apology to you - maybe a conversation about why and what he’s going to do in future to mitigate the risk of it happening again.

Its not helping anyone letting him use his diagnosis as an excuse

The irony of you telling a poster to put herself in her sisters shoes and at the same time minimising her feelings and calling her self pitying 🤦‍♀️😅..... maybe put yourself in the OP's shoes.

Would you genuinely not be bothered if your nephew, the same size as you, bit you and wouldn't get off you? And then his mum excused his behaviour and wouldn't make him apologise? You'd really not be bothered at all by that?

Are you scared that on Christmas day if something does happen you won't have any protection from your family? That maybe as you could not get away from him for 20 seconds that they may not be able to get him off you if he decides to attack you?
That sounds like a valid fear to me. What happened to you would have been quite traumatic as you weren't expecting it. Maybe take a couple of days to move forward and then have a conversation with your mum about how you feel, and how you will be protected.
Definitely no babysitting unless younger child comes to you without brother.

You're being ridiculous and unfair.