To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

If your DC ended up biting someone would you expect them to apologise when they're feeling calmer? And if not, why not?

This isn’t what happened though so I don’t know why you’ve brought that up?

Well unless you've never so much as sniffed Mumsnet before, you knew exactly the bun fight this thread would cause, especially in AIBU, so I'm not sure why you're sorry now if you upset anyone.

Do what you want.

Go for Christmas or don't go for Christmas but don't expect to be able to dictate to your sister how she manages her autistic child.

Just keep away from him if her parenting isn't to your satisfaction.

Your poor sister. It must be really hard for her 😔

Well, it seems like removing an iPad without warning is a trigger for autistic overwhelm, so I’m going to go with yes, this is the most likely explanation.

Others can keep putting two and two together and coming up with five though. Any evidence this autistic child has a problem with women?

Why have you assumed OP didn’t follow her sister’s instructions?

Sorry OP, I know what happened to you wasn’t ideal either! But at least you don’t have it 24/7.

OP most of us agree with you and lots of people who have agreed with you are also autistic/have autistic children

Some people have piled on here because they love being nasty. If they were the ones who had been bit I can guarantee they wouldn't be defending it. Next time post in relationships, it's kinder.

AIBU attracts a certain sort of character, their all over AIBU spouting toxic shit

You are not altogether wrong. I think telling your sister how to handle it isn't your place, but you are not wrong to not babysit him again. If you are going to talk to your sister, I'd only apologise for telling her how to handle it, but also make clear that I don't think it's appropriate for me to babysit him again given he is getting older and stronger and you can't manage it anymore. Your part in deciding whether to babysit or not is entirely your choice. Your family should also have acknowledged how upsetting this was for you.

Do not babysit again.

When I was in my 40s, I was badly hurt by an S3/Y10 pupil - who later claimed that he was the victim. (This boy was neurotypical.) Teenage boys can do a lot of damage. Don't take the risk.

No one is linking autism and violent crime. What we're linking is violent crime and overly indulged children who are never made to apologise or experience any consequences.

The fact that OP's nephew has autism is pretty much besides the point. Nothing about being autistic would stop him from saying "I'm sorry for biting you" once he's calmed down.

You are part of the reason why the bun fight started. You kept hounding OP.

Just leave her alone FFS.

I’m sorry that you had a scary experience, wasn’t supported by your family and have now come on here and faced such horrible comments. You didn’t deserve to be hurt by your nephew and your sister is in the wrong for not recognising that. Hope you manage to resolve things and can have a good Xmas.

You don't fool everyone here.

Some of us see you very clearly.

Just the OP's post that hes only like this towards his mum, sister and aunt and that his grandmother won't have him because she's scared of him.

Oh yes, he was so overwhelmed he was rude to his aunt as she knocked on his door and then got off the bed, walked over to her and bit her and then went back to bed. That's not a meltdown.

What do you see? Do share.

You will not get any sense out of that poster and if you dare disagree they'll start gaslighting you and denying what they said, I wouldn't even bother trying to have a reasonable conversation with them tbh

Stop being so needlessly unpleasant.

I certainly don't think it's your fault, and I don't think you should be apologising, unless you want to apologise for the ultimatum. It's not your fault he bit you. Yes he may have been in autistic overload/fight or flight mode BUT his Mum is responsible for teaching him alternative coping strategies to reroute e.g one we use is pushing against a wall as hard as possible and keeping it there for a couple of minutes to help release the tension physically. Sometimes it might have been something that's occured a few days prior that is causing the fight or flight response.

YANBU, and I'm amazed that people are blaming you.

Sounds like your sister's just handwaving it away. How long does she intend to keep doing that? In a few years he'll be an adult and attacking girlfriends, maybe. She's not helping him in the long term.

(Also your mum is such a hypocrite, how cheeky of her!)

I'm worried for your niece. Is she afraid of her brother? Can you spend time with her without him around? She might need support.

I was explaining my understanding of another post with the "I think" comment, not on the substance of links between autism and violence. My point was you had totally misunderstood that poster and were making wild accusations. There was a thread on aibu about scrapping jury trials. I thought it was a bad idea. And then I see the poor comprehension skills and hyperbole of posters like yourself and think justice doesn't stand a chance.

And you have no fucking clue whether this teenage boy had an autistic meltdown or not. Just because someone is autistic doesn't mean they can't also be deliberately violent.

How do you know she's dramatising though? If she says she's scared of him who are we to decide she's not?

I'd be scared if someone the same size as me bit me and then others claimed it was fine because they couldn't help it