To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

You are goading someone by calling them deranged and then blaming them for being offended. That is extremely manipulative.

Which is ironically similar to what OP’s family are doing to her.

Reported. What cynically goading posts. Who supports this type of behaviour?

OP, please don’t let this poster and her cheerleaders upset you, they are trying to get a reaction.

What an unpleasant post.

Your sister is the problem in this situation she should absolutely have been making sure that your nephew was spoken to in the appropriate way and made to apologize to you. I am in no way an expert on ND / Autism but if your nephew is generally high functioning and has not lashed out at anyone else in this way then its awful that what happened to you has been minimised by them all.

Yes maybe there were certain ways you could of handled the communication with him that night but that was purely the responsibility of his mother to provide you with instruction on how to deal with him putting his iPad down to go to sleep. SHE should be apologizing to you for not informing you and for not realizing how this situation will have quite rightly scared you.

Your nephew does need to learn that actions have consequences because one day he will very likely end up in alot of trouble if his behavior is not corrected/controlled properly now by those responsible for him.

Yes its sad that your sister was left by her partner and has been left to it as a single mum but it absolutely does not give her the right to treat you this way, and your mother!

Do what is best for you. Hopefully things will calm down but you certainly dont deserve to feel unsafe or made to attend family stuff when you feel attacked and uncalled by everyone around you.

Those who kept querying the nephew's height were clearly implying that the OP was a liar. So yes - she has been accused by 'multiple' posters.

I can't believe that 42 percent of people think you are BU. Autism is not an excuse for assault.

Well, first off, this thread has fuck all to do with rape.

But no, I don’t believe for a second that autistic children who lose control and lash out when overwhelmed is a predictor for rape.

Do you have any studies you could post that show a link between autistic overwhelm and sexual violence?

@IGrewUpInTheFallOut I hear you. One of the elements of events that cause PTSD according to Judith Hermann (Beyond Trauma) is the fact that your personhood is entirely invalidated in that moment. It doesn't matter what you say or do or did before, you are not being treated as a human with rights and needs and feelings. In this case your nephew sank teeth into like you were a chew toy and ignored your protests and begging to be let go. you had no physical advantage, your.mind probably started signalling of all the other possibilities in that situation. It doesn't matter how old he was or what diagnosis he has.
If you came as my client I wouldn't be at all surprised if this had coalesced into a traumatic memory for you. It may well be affecting you more than you initially realised. Do seek some kind of help to process, please.

There’s no way I would ever babysit again for a child who bit me. I would also want to avoid your Mum and sister at Christmas as they don’t care that you were assaulted. At this rate they will be saying ‘he’s a lovely lad who wouldn’t hurt a fly’ when he’s convicted for GBH in the future.

I wish I’d not posted. Clearly I was to blame for this and I’m sorry if I upset anyone by posting. I just felt confused but I can see that I was wrong, I’ll apologise to my sister in the morning

Your sister saying he was overstimulated does not make it acceptable or something that should be brushed off. He’s old enough to know it wasn’t acceptable. He’s old enough for consequences and he’s old enough to apologise. Also expecting you to sit through Christmas with the person that hurt you and the people dismissing it without any apology is a big emotional ask . I think they are arseholes . Also your sister complaining about how is she going to go out with no babysitter again shows how self-centred and selfish she is . Go to your partners for Christmas.

Don't talk shit.

You could still go for Christmas dinner but keep away from him and don't speak to him.
Definitely say that you won't be babysitting anymore
Is he always going to be excused bad behaviour because he's autistic ?

I’ll take that as a no then, that you most certainly don’t have any studies you could post that show a link between autistic overwhelm and sexual violence.

Any other reason why people keep posting about rape on a thread about a child experiencing autistic overwhelm?

Op, post again in Relationships. You will get much more sensible responses. Please don’t put yourself at risk by being alone with nephew.

This is a classic pile-on, some of these posters don’t care about you or your feelings, they just want to kick a woman when she’s down.

OP, very few people have said this is ok or that you were to blame. Please just don't baby-sit for your nephew again, he's not safe from himself and you are not safe from him. Talk with your sister, she may also have been defensive.

Is it autistic overwhelm or a young man who has learnt that he can be violent towards women whenever they do/say something he doesn't like? Autistic people can also deliberately be violent and be arseholes.

OP please don't risk your safety because you've been gaslit on here.

You haven’t done anything wrong OP, this is a pile-on. I definitely wouldn’t babysit again. I would do the family christmas though, any disciplining can be done by your sister. You don’t need to be involved with your nephew.

OP, there are really only two (prolific!) posters who disagree with you. You most certainly weren't to blame and you sister and nephew should be the ones apologising to you. Your nephew may have been overwhelmed but by at least the next day should have been perfectly able to say sorry and mean it.

Do what makes you feel safe and what works best for you. Take care.

There are lots of stats around male violence towards women and girls. And I don't think that poster was making wild claims to link autism and violent crimes. More about excusing male violence and saying this 14 year old can't possibly be held accounta le for his actions because he has autism.