To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

I agree, sister didnt even say sorry, or the nephew, she can wave goodbye to going out now, with sister as a free babysitter.

Yes and you and multiple other posters have continued to invalidate my feelings and essentially called me an attention seeking liar

Honestly, where do you think abusive men come from? Do you think they spring into being as fully formed adults?

No, they very often start as children who are either overly indulged and protected from any consequences or, sadly, have an abusive childhood themselves.

High-functioning autism isn't a get out of jail free card nor does it stop someone from being an abusive pos. Anyone raising an autistic child should keep that in mind.

Why are so many people posting about rape? It’s fucking batshit!

The comments about the severity of the injury and semantics about the nephew’s height are totally bizarre. People are so purposefully obtuse on here, it’s unreal.

If my sister, who has supported me after my partner left, did me a favour by babysitting my kids and one of them bit her, I’d be MORTIFIED. I’d be apologising profusely and at least having a serious conversation with my son (within parameters suitable for his condition) to understand what had happened. If not, maybe she will have to sacrifice her breaks like a lot of parents with ND kids or get the grandma, who’s also OK with this behaviour, to look after him.

I wonder if he’d bitten a teacher, whether the mum would’ve dismissed it with ‘he just didn’t want to do his homework’ or whether she’d acknowledge it properly and work with the school on a positive way forward?

OP I sympathise; maybe taking away screen time wasn’t the right example but I’d suggest sitting her down and telling her how afraid you were and that you felt unheard. I’d go to Xmas but unless she firmly lets you know this was not OK and she was looking at any possible steps to avoid this in future, I’d never babysit again.

If as other are saying Op doesn't know how how to deal/ de-escalate a situation with someone who has Autism.

Even less reason for her to baby sit him going forwards.

She would never talk to a friend like this she's taking advantage because your a family member and she thinks you will put up with it.
Don't. If you wouldn't put up with something from a friend, don't put up with it from family.

You insinuated I have no experience of autism and when I pointed out that's not true as I'm autistic and so is my daughter, you've now tried to claim I'm being over the top. You just look foolish

I didn’t insinuate shit. I didn’t know you have autism.

Like I’ve said to you multiple times - PLEASE READ WHAT I’M ACTUALLY SAYING.

No, but neither is just dismissing it because this boy, who is growing in strength, was overwhelmed.

“You and multiple other posters”

If you truly can’t understand what OP is saying, perhaps you should return to school

Lots going on here.
firstly, I think it's absolutely fine and reasonable to tell your sister you're not comfortable babysitting him any more as you are afraid as he's stronger and older that he may be overstimulated again and really hurt you.
However I do think this threatening never to be around your sister again unless she punishes her autistic son to your satisfaction is over dramatic on your behalf. Play this forward in you head , do you plan or never attending family events ever again?
This has been an isolated incident and while I'm sure was scary it does look more like a suction bruise than a bite and no the police would not be interested is investigating a 14 year old autistic boy for bruising his aunts hand. I also think your sister and mother are unlikely to let him attack you over the turkey which you seem to be hinting at .

To sum up , you're hurt that your mom and sister don't understand or seem to care how upset you are by this and you're threatening this no contact to highlight it to them. They clearly think you're overreacting so they're unlikely to fall in with your wishes about punishing him. In your sisters defence she is dealing with him every day so has probably become a bit desensitised to his extreme behaviour.

Be sure that low or very low contact is what you really want though before you dig in to that position. You may find that you miss them more than you think.

Why so?

Do you think rape is an entry grade offence?

Do you think rapists and very violent men just woke up one day and licked it off the floor?

Do you think it might be reasonable to assume that rapists begin with maybe "lesser" violent offences to women-like prolonged biting, kicking, hair pulling before working their way up?

Have some wit!

The only deranged behaviour I'm seeing is the really unpleasant and ott way you're speaking to people.

To be physically attacked and then gaslighted by your own family is shit. No wonder you feel aggrieved and angry op. I would absolutely fuck off Christmas, and any future ‘babysitting’. Sorry, if people don’t give a shit about you and your welfare then they don’t deserve you.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Regardless of his autism it must have been scary and painful and I completely understand your reluctance to put yourself back in a room with someone whose behaviour is unpredictable.

Could you speak to your sister when everything has calmed down and say you understand she's his mum but you felt like the fear and pain it caused to you has been minimised? Maybe if she sees its coming from a place of fear rather than anger she might be more receptive and that could help how you're feeling? And before someone starts, no that doesn't mean the sister can do anything but it might help the relationship.

I personally think he probably wouldn’t hurt his sister because she would subconsciously have learnt how not to trigger this kind of reaction, but growing up in the household

Wow, extremely worrying way of thinking about sibling safety- don't provoke your brother or he may attack you.

I wouldn't write off a child after one incident. The OP says he shouts, slams doors, takes it out at home, and now he's bitten an aunt. This isn't a one-off issue; it's very, very worrying. As usual, the women are left carrying the can on this one.

I wouldn't be angry at your sister, though, too much. I think she's probably accustomed to this in her own home and believes others will think so too. Perhaps the withdrawal of any minding will make her realise this can't just be allowed to go on unchecked and ideally help her seek further support/direction on how to manage his behaviour and also keep the sibling safe. I have a friend whose son can be extremely difficult and he's babysat and given respite by staff from the unit which he attends.

Can you quote one of these works of fiction? I’ve seen none.

Then I understand how stopping the babysitting would help, but how would the apology really help with that?

I get that it would be nice, I get that he should, but given it isn't forthcoming you need to assess what the point of if would really be if you have to wring it from them.

It's kind of like fishing for compliments: what's the point if it isn't meant and voluntary.

I'm assuming there will be others around at Christmas?

But I haven’t. For some reason you and multiple other people have determined I’m a liar and must be punished

Telling women who have been assaulted that they causing drama is a typical victim blaming response.

It’s not “parenting her way”. He’s 14 and doing well in mainstream education. He doesn’t bite or assault people in school or in kick-boxing. Why not? Because he knows it’s wrong and he knows there will be consequences.
But if he chomps aunties arm - that’s fine? She should just pop around with his present and enjoy his company on Xmas day should she?
There needs to be consequences . He needs to apologise. If he had a learning disability I would a little more lenient but he should still be taught there are consequences for hurting people.
A friend of mine was murdered by her ( high functioning) autistic son. I feel very strongly about this. He is now in prison by the way- he was deemed to have capacity regarding his actions at the time