To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

"I just really don’t feel comfortable around him at the moment. I was terrified. He’s nearly the same height as me and physically a lot stronger than I am. He could’ve really severely hurt me"

Her disciplining him won't change that. If she disciplines him the way you want her to you will still feel uncomfortable around him. I think that you are using her as scapegoat. It suits you to say you're staying away because of her. It's easier and more pc than saying the real reason which is because of him.

It sounds like you don't want to go to Christmas not just because you're scared of your nephew but because you're angry at your mum's and sister's reaction, and that's completely fine. I would be angry too. Even if they chose not to do anything (I personally would, because you can't have a teenage boy going around biting people) they could have acknowledged how you felt and that it was a pretty horrible thing to experience. It's not like he just had a meltdown in front of you; he hurt you. That matters even if he was less able to stop himself than another person might be.

Ultimately they've made their choice, and you can't change that. It might be worth, if you can, asking to have a coffee and a chat with your mum or sister so you can explain that you aren't minimising your nephew's distress - you just need to express your own. If, after that, you still feel completely unheard, then a Christmas away from the family might not be a bad thing.

No. You're wrong. She doesn't. Unless you actually parent and autistic child you have absolutely NO idea what that's like. One bite (however awful) isn't the same as years and years of parenting and autistic child... and if you are trying to suggest that it is, then you clearly have no clue as well.

I actually don’t know how many more times I can explain that it’s not about the actual punishment making me feel safe. It would be the fact I knew my sister had my back instead of seeing it as no big deal.

The ND child is the priority, as he should be?

SHE WAS BITTEN BY A VIOLENT TEENAGER.

You’re basically saying this was her fault because she hadn’t “inform or equipped ” herself.

His behaviour also won’t just switch off when he reaches 18, will this sort of violence be tolerated then too? Or will will tell potential victims (women) they should “inform and equip” themselves before leaving the house?

How is removing his screen time or kick boxing suddenly going to make OP safe at Christmas, exactly?

Seriously, RTFT, this has been done to death. Or just read OP’s posts, she has answered this a gazillion times.

Well I've got four autistic teens/young adults I've parented for years and years, and I would never accept physical lashing out without some action being taken to solve that issue. I wouldn't expect anyone to babysit them if they'd be attacked either. I'm with OP.

What a terrible parent her sister is then, leaving her autistic son with someone who doesn't understand him or how to care for him. Actually really neglectful & selfish of OP's sister to put her son in such a vulnerable position with someone who has no clue

If you think the way to manage an attack on OP is to not even apologise or try to arrange some reparation/apology from the nephew, then you have no clue how to manage relationships with family.

Hi OP,

being assaulted can be very scary.

regardless of the “reason” for the assault it is genuinely scary and if it triggers your flight or fight reflex it is very very unsettling.

i have a child with AuDHD and have taught autistic children for many years. It takes a hell of a lot of self control and experience to deal with a violent child and most people who have seen it once do not ever want to see it again.

op, I do not think that your sister would step in to protect you if your nephew flipped again.

I strongly suggest that you do not babysit ever again. School staff who deal with children like this are taught positive handling techniques and this will generally involve either evacuating the room and leaving them to damage property but not people, or if they are already damaging people then using restraint.

these courses are not available to parents any more.

i would strongly suggest that you accept the invitation from your partner’s family and tell your sister and your mum that it is his families turn or that his great grandma is dying and this will be her last Christmas or whatever.

this makes you not being at Christmas not about your nephew which will defuse the situation somewhat. It will give time for all involved to calm down.

then you can have time to think about what if anything you need to do going forward.

personally I was martial arts trained and when dealing with a potentially violent situation what I was taught was rule 1 is run away, rule 2 is only fight if you can’t run away and rule 3 is if you do have to hurt someone to get them off you or similar hurt them hard and fast and then run away.

if you do want to spend time with your nephew going forward consider getting self defence or martial arts classes so that you have more confidence that you can get him off you quickly if needed.

And I totally understand that, you feel invalidated and as if no one cares. I totally feel for you.

it sounds like you’ve all got the defenses up and it’s blocked any helpful communication. Have you found anything which helps before?

😂😂😂😂

I’m sorry @IGrewUpInTheFallOut . That sounds really frightening, and all the more upsetting as you were helping your sister out and now feel as if you are just an expendable chew toy who is not even worth an apology.

FWIW it doesn’t look like he properly bit you.

I would go to partners for Xmas this year, not from rancour or because you would actually be unsafe on Xmas day but just to let the dust settle and give space and not have any bad feeling infecting the day for anyone. Just keep distance for now in a polite way, get some breathing space and see how you feel in the New Year.

Have a lovely Christmas.

That's not your problem. It's sad for your sister, but you've done enough.

What about the mum who has to deal with this potentially every day? It would be lovely if there was sufficient support for parents (single parents especially) dealing with challenging behaviour. Clearly most are not going to have any family support - not blaming family members if it is difficult to physically help but also feeling sympathy for the OP’s sister and her day to day life.

Maybe it's got to the stage she needs to get a professionally trained carer in (preferably male, so stronger), for babysitting duty? The son is only going to get bigger and stronger.

I have sympathy for her but it's not my problem to deal with if the alternative means I'm expected to accept being attacked.

I'm autistic. I've also worked with autistic children and consistently advocated for their needs when I could see that they were being classed as badly behaved when they were just reacting to being overwhelmed. In a better environment, they calmed down.

I give that as context when I say YANBU. Your nephew needs to learn that biting isn't acceptable under any circumstances. Feeling overwhelmed is awful but young people have to learn to manage that feeling without hurting others. Your sister is wrong to blame you - if she knew he was that overstimulated and that's how he usually reacts she should have told you to leave him to go to sleep when he liked instead of putting you in that situation. If he doesn't usually bite, he needs to be shown clearly how serious it is. 'If you hurt others, they won't want to spend time with you' is a lesson he's old enough for if he's got the level of understanding you describe.

It's possible for your sister to both make allowances for him being autistic and realise that him growing into an adult man who bites people is not an outcome anyone wants. Ignoring or completely excusing that behaviour isn't a good idea.

I do absolutely feel sympathy for her. But when it comes down to it I feel like she should be taking my concerns more seriously

I didn’t mention screen time so I’m not sure why you’re directing that question at me.

Surely OP’s sister can acknowledge that her son was overwhelmed and dysregulated and also explain that it’s totally unacceptable to bite his aunt? He should absolutely have been asked to apologise. Allowing a teenage boy to physically attack women with no recourse sets a very dangerous precedent.

Dealing with it every day is no excuse to complete dismiss OP’s feelings. Remember OP’s sister has not apologised, not asked nephew to even write OP a note or sorry card, and instead the sister has told OP ‘in my mind, that’s that’.

Truly awful behaviour.

I agree, that was my point, the OP's sister was luckier than most in having a sister that was prepared to baby-sit, come over, be with her teens so she could have time off and go out. Now she won't. Bad for that family.

Because he is autistic, punishment is difficult and would not be appropriate but she needs to make him understand that it is not acceptable, which hopefully, he does. 'Consequences' for autistic kids are often not helpful.

I would definitely say you are right not to look after him 1-1 again as this violence can become far worse than biting, and this is why many people simply cannot handle teenage autistic kids and adults alone.

But please don't refuse to go to the Christmas celebrations; he is not going to hurt you there. He harmed you because you were his caretaker, the one he was (in his mind) fighting with. While his mum is around, he won't attack you. Don't make the whole family pay for this autistic child's outburst.

As for 'what if I ask him to pass me something ...'. just don't put requests in via him. Request help etc from one of the adults instead. 'What ifs' are also unrealistic.

I wouldn't be spending Christmas with someone who had assaulted me.

That’s not your problem and should have made her realise how serious the assault was.

i wouldn’t like to be attacked by a 14 year old, kick boxing teenager either. I’d also feel terrified, and it’s no wonder you feel all shook up by this.

This type of judgemental attitude really frustrates me! I never allowed my son to throw things and get aggressive but he did - because he was not able to regulate his emotions and was in constant fight/flight mode. Now he is in an alternative learning provision things have calmed down massively.

Op I can understand that it was frightening to have experienced that, it certainly wasn't your fault. If your nephew is anything like my son, he won't respond to punitive punishment at all and it will more than likely feed the shame cycle because I bet he feels horrible about ir. The best course of action your sister can take - in my opinion based on my own experience - is to talk with him about unacceptable behaviour and a diversion tactic to use when he feels so disregulated, but this can only be done when he is not in fight or flight mode. When we used punishment on our son, it didn't work as he just couldn't connect having his xbox taken away because he threw something. You seem to think because she's not dishing out punishment, it means she doesn't care for your safety, which I would lay money on, is not the case but she knows it's not going to have the desired effect you want.
You don't sound like you understand much about autism, as you keep referencing the fact that he is "capable" and in mainstream. Every person with autism is different, however, most have an emotional age normally a few years below their chronological age. Can I ask what research you have done to be able to understand your nephew and his behaviours more?