To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

As soon as autism gets thrown around on mumsnet you get the #bekind bullshit parents. Biting is serious, this is a 14 year old who actively got out of bed, approached his aunt and attacked her like a dog hanging off her arm. Shes lucky it didnt break skin. It doesnt matter if its a "warning bite" (what is he a fucking chihuaha?) Youre 100% correct to stop all babysitting, that is your right and do not let your sister guilt trip you if your own mother refuses to babysit for the same reasons (HYPOCRITE). go to your partners for xmas and enjoy yourself and keep an eye on the bite. You dont need to break skin to get an infection.

My daughter is autistic and threatened to stab another child at school with her dinner knife. She was internally excluded and I took her to the boys house to apologise to him and his mum. She also missed her club that evening and lost her tablet tine as punishment.

She's never threatened to stab anyone again

According to lots of posters on this thread it was clearly unreasonable of me to punish her for her violent outburst. My poor child

People like you are so problematic. My son is 21, autistic with LD and has never been violent to me. That’s not because of my superior parenting, it’s because his autism doesn’t affect him in the same way that someone else’s affects them.people like you reciting this nonsense just reinforces the misunderstanding about autism and additional needs.

Your sister is struggling and having to deal with this by herself because her dick head of a husband fucked off and left her to it. She found a way to manage, which seems to have worked most of the time. For whatever reason, this weekend those strategies either weren’t there or didn’t work. If this behaviour was autism related (which it sounds like it was), the response now is to understand why this happened, explain that it’s not OK and work out how to stop it next time. Punishment is a bit pointless and would literally be done for your benefit not his. Literally just to make you happy - that’s really what you want?

I think what you really want is an apology and someone to validate how scary it must have been for you and yes, it sounds like it was. I understand you being scared of him, and I imagine she’s feeling embarrassed, sad, hopeless, guilty and lots of other feelings. Would you feel better if she expressed those?

Oh I totally agree. But if people think it’s ‘disgusting’ OP won’t be there for Christmas, did they think she was always going to be obliged to be there for Christmas?

Yanbu OP and don’t let people say you are. ASD is a reason for behaviour but not an excuse, children with asd really do need to be taught boundaries and your DSis is teaching him it’s ok to bite because he was disregulsted. What if it was another child? Don’t be guilted into babysitting again, maybe if your dsis can’t have a night off due to the actions of her son, she will start to correct his behaviour.

It’s not an excuse, it’s a reason. He needs to be helped to understand his own needs and work on transitions.

Was his routine followed exactly? Were the other possible reasons for a meltdown.

Would you punish a diabetic child for having a hypo? It’s a similar thing.

The police don’t care. 😔 My 2yo got violently attacked by an autistic 17yo when we were out in public. I think his care setting got a phone call… And that was it.

I think the main issue here OP is that you don’t feel like your sister cares enough that you were attacked? It sounds extremely scary. I think you should leave it a day or two. Right now you’re probably still in shock.

"It’s one thing to say that you won’t babysit a child who is prone to violence, using a child as an excuse not to go to Christmas is disgusting."

He's not a small child, she's not baby-sitting him as such and he isn't going to be waiting up for Santa and cry if she's not there. He's adult sized and out of control in that moment (that's presumably what overwhelm is). The OP wants her sister to take this seriously, and for him to apologise or see that it is dealt with in a way that lets her know this is taken seriously.

Everyone just says-oh he's demand avoidant, or doesn't like going to bed at 10.30 or she approached him in the wrong way.

So- does he do that at school, in martial arts club or just towards women in the family? How is he going to move forward into adult life if no-one can approach him in the 'wrong way' or he doesn't like any demands and just bites people if he doesn't like their responses.

I worry for your sister, the neice, his girlfriend if he gets one and him as he's being allowed to behave without consequences and is likely to be impacted badly on them himself in the future.

Many autistic people can understand consequences, my daughter is autistic and the one thing she does understand is consequences- if you hit/punch/throw things you lose screen time and that's it, no negotiation, no nothing. She hasn't hit me since a 10-day-long screen ban when she was about 9 years old.

To be honest maybe yes I would? Instead of it being brushed aside as not a big deal, if she acknowledged what had happened and how scary it was I’d feel a little more confident that she would deal with it if it happened in front of her.

Why not a proper apology now from nephew? Why not him using his pocket money to get OP some flowers?

Why is that pointless?

He could have, but he didn’t. Honestly, I was expecting broken skin and severe bruising from what you described. 20 seconds is a really long time to have your arm being bitten so hard that you couldn’t remove it - judging from the slight redness here, that’s not what happened.
Clearly no one should make you feel guilty for not wanting to babysit anymore, but this is a disabled child you’ve known for 14 years, and you’re ok with walking away from him over this? I find that quite sad. When children with autism are going through puberty they really struggle with their emotions.
What would be more effective would be if you actually sat down with your DSis and her son to talk about what happened and why it was wrong. Is that something you think you could do?

It's not because a hypo episode doesn't injure or endanger anyone else. I'd not be babysitting again myself either.

Oh stop it. This is such a ablist thing to say. He's an autistic child and you're saying because he goes kickboxing he's practically NT now? Don't be ridiculous. To be honest, if I was your sister, I'd have cut you out by now, if I knew the sort of rubbish you were spouting about autism. I don't think you should put up with being bitten by the way. But suggesting that you won't see your own sister again as a result is really nasty and selfish. You have NO idea how hard she has it. She needs your help and support, not your rejection.

I have supported her in every way I could since becoming an adult - physically, emotionally and even sometimes financially. But she can’t give me the same support back when her son assaults me and to be honest that hurts.

You don't have to understand at all, this is not your problem, this is your sister's problem, bugger the lot of them, enjoy your peaceful Christmas with normal people around you. Not your problem.

Do diabetic children having a hypo bite people? You seem to be implying OP should babysit again.

This. Absolutely this.

"You have NO idea how hard she has it"

I think she does have an idea, seeing as how she was attacked and not the sister!

Hi OP, have you thought about having a chat with your DN yourself? In a safe space of course, at his age he will need to think in calmer moments about the real effects of some of the things it’s possible to do when in a meltdown. My DS has ADHD and I am autistic. I wouldn’t dream of letting my DS get away with something like that . He’s 19 now but at that age he did a few things that he needed to think seriously about once he’d calmed down.

it sounds like your DN is functioning pretty well outside the house and as he grows up his relationships won’t be only continued through the prism of your sister. He will really need to speak to you if he wants to continue a relationship You could ask him to apologise?

Ah so it's always been women that he attacks? Interesting.

"Hi OP, have you thought about having a chat with your DN yourself?"

Yes, but if she's not backed up by the parent...

Agreed.

I did a supply stint in a school where a 13 yr old aimed sharpened pencils at my legs. I called for back-up. The Depute brushed it off with 'He's got ADHD'.

I saw the same kid in another class and he did the same. I didn't return.

At the same school a few years before, a much more serious incident involving a teacher and a pupil with autism had taken place. Again, sharpened pencils were being used as weapons.

If you realise that your safety isn't being taken seriously, then all that you can do is to remove yourself from the unsafe situation.

I'm not unsympathetic - there's high-functioning autism plus ADHD and OCD in my family. However, you don't put yourself in danger - not even for family.

My ND children aren't and have never been violent. It's just that some of us understand overwhelm and dysregulation and masking and how it can result in what happened to OP. Does it make it acceptable, no. Does punishing afterwards work? Also usually no.

How is removing his screen time or kick boxing suddenly going to make OP safe at Christmas, exactly?

If she can’t even bring herself to say to OP ‘I’m sorry he hurt you, I will get him to write an apology letter to you’, then she deserves zero help and support from OP. It’s not OP being nasty and selfish.

OP, I think the phrase 'no good deed goes unpunished' is the one that applies here.

Love the idea that everyone else's relatives are rushing around to babysit the autistic 14-year-old boys with issues with control/aggression. Form an orderly queue and all that.